#7 - January 12th, 2005

A deep sense of sadness settled over the sheep fields of The Valley this past week with the news that Hugh the Ram had passed away in his sleep at the ripe old age of eleven, approximately. This wily veteran was particularly well known around these parts for both his sexual prowess and the charming way he had with the ewes, who would never fail to respond to his romantic approaches - not to mention his famously enormous scrotum sack and testicles. Playboy's Hugh Hefner, his namesake and mentor, would have been proud….

….But I digress…..In his later years Hugh fell quite ill and at one point a little over a year ago he was not expected to make it through the night - the buzzards were circling. However, he was still breathing the next morning and it was decided to send him, hog-tied in the back of a pick-up truck, to the Retirement Home for Elderly Ewes in Philo where perhaps he might show some signs of recovery if surrounded by a number of his former 'ewe-friends'.

After a twenty-five mile drive he arrived at his new pasture and was unloaded to the ground on a tarp, coughing and spluttering, eyes rolling in his head, nose running profusely. It looked like the end was fast approaching but at that moment a small group of four ewes walked curiously by and 'baaahed' seductively. The effect on the old fella was immediate. He slowly stood up, peered towards the ewes, and proceeded to stagger unsteadily towards them. Soon he was amongst them, no doubt pulling the wool over their eyes in that suave way he had, and the humans who were present to observe this interchange jokingly commented that he'd be 'mounting' them later that night….

How right they were!…. Yes, despite his obvious physical difficulties in getting around, plus the continuous snotty nose which even the most promiscuous of ewes would have second thoughts about being around, at some point in the ensuing few days he must have 'sweet-talked' the ewes and performed his duties as a Ram because five months later four healthy lambs were born !.

He continued to hang out with his offspring for the remainder of his days and since his death, in their presence I might add, they have been somewhat confused and lost. This will fade of course and then it will be the annoying border collies nipping at their heels which they have to worry about. Hugh's body was taken out into the far reaches of the property and left for the 'birds' to do what they do best - some very unsavory characters I must say, and not related to me in any way, I assure you. He will be missed but all who knew him should be grateful that he lived for exactly one very productive and happy year to the day from his arrival at The Home……R.I.P. Hugh….

If anyone is still reading, I have to report more disappointing news with my observation that The Horn of Zeese breakfast and lunch establishment in downtown Boonville has closed its doors. Not however, as in the case of many local businesses, as a temporary measure over the holidays. Apparently it was a decision taken by the local authorities with regard to certain health codes and in particular inadequate refrigeration. This really is too bad as I had just thoroughly enjoyed a delicious chicken-fried steak and eggs breakfast there a few days earlier and business seemed quite good. Hopefully something can be done but from what I am hearing it is not looking promising at this point…..

Whilst we are on the subject of food, and regular readers will be aware that it is a topic which appears in this column frequently, last week a number of people were gathered at The Brewery Tasting Room to watch the finale of the College Football season and by halftime, after numerous ales had been guzzled, many in attendance were hungry. The peanuts at the bar were excellent and plentiful but hardly enough. What was open and serving food at 7pm ? Everywhere in The Valley had either closed for the holidays or just simply because it was a Tuesday night. Everywhere, that is, except Lauren's restaurant and Moya's Tacos and on this occasion it was burritos all round and the night was saved….. Many thanks go out to both establishments and hopefully people will appreciate this 'dedication to duty'…..Apparently they do - two nights later one of my assistants up here at The Nest was downtown and, being a top-notch investigative reporter, decided to make a follow-up visit to Lauren's - it was packed and ya gotta like that !……

A number of our local restaurateurs are no doubt taking a well-earned break at this time of the year but the question remains - when is someone going to keep their restaurant open over the holidays ? The locals would support it I'm sure as they'd like to get out after all the sitting around at home. As for the visitors staying at the many bed & breakfast's at this time of year, a number of which are fully booked so I hear, surely they need some place to eat in the evening and they can't go to either Lauren's or Moya's every night. At this time there is very little choice…..


Final food references of the week - Public service announcement #1 - The best day to get your produce in the Valley would be Tuesdays at The Boontberry store in Boonville when they get their fresh 'stuff' in - it doesn't get much better than this…..#2 - Despite the wishes by many residents to the contrary, and previous comments in these pages, it would appear that the convenience stores at the Deep End of The Valley continue to close at 5pm - this is not very convenient…..

As I left the Philo post office last Wednesday my ears were assaulted by the roar of a logging truck as it thundered into town doing at least 45 mph and not slowing down. If anyone had been turning out of the parking lot there or at Lemon's market they would surely have been ploughed under. Even a very hard-of-hearing pedestrian would have heard the truck approaching but at that speed they would have had no chance whatsoever of getting out of the way. Fortunately most drivers, both locals and "brightlighters" alike, now slow down through town and the recently installed warning lights and speed indicators have been very effective according to locals. Nevertheless, it should be of little surprise, given that a number of loggers clearly believe they are 'The Kings of the Road', that the following day one of their ilk came unstuck near to Gowan's Oak Tree and took out some power lines. Fortunately nobody was hurt but the incident left a vast area without power from the Greenwood Ridge, through to Philo, and inland to Comptche….. "Kings of the Road" ? - in cases like this more like Jesters wouldn't you say ?

I read with interest and was somewhat accepting of the criticism by 'ms' in last week's issue. My comments regarding the Mendocino Road Workers and their liberal use of the "Prepare to Stop" signs (when they are not working so there is no need to stop at all) were perhaps a little harsh. I briefly thought this at the time of writing but soon got over it. It's not a big deal but worth a mention I decided and I do not think it was "unnecessary" as 'ms' wrote last week. Many people have made similar comments and I was a little surprised at the leap to their defense made by 'ms' as I was not questioning the road guys' work ethic, merely their organization…'ms' states that they are an "easy target" and he is correct but perhaps he could try to appreciate that a curmudgeonly Turkey Vulture has to do whatever is necessary when searching for prey and the weakest/"easy targets" will always be taken first at times when the pickings are slim…..
Have a good week…Yours hungrily, Turkey Vulture.