#19 - April 13th, 2005

Let's start things off with some good old "Jive Turkey"…I may be a little biased but I sense the public would like to know that our favorite local bird of prey, the Turkey Vulture, is on average about two and a half feet long/tall with a wingspan of six feet and yet we only weigh about three pounds - I am the exception….Furthermore, and once again I am a departure from the norm, we can swoop at speeds up to sixty (60 !) miles per hour although this feat is more often than not done to avoid being "mobbed" by those miserable bastards known as ravens or jays rather than when we are going after prey….In concluding this fascinating topic for the week, I'm sure you're keen to know that we generally live to be around twenty years old… and yes, you guessed it, I am an oddity in this category also …..
This weeks Useful Word is "corybungus" which is another way of referring to a person's bottom or fanny…As in "she (or he) has a very shapely corybungus"… or maybe, "I'd rather kiss a bear's corybungus"… or perhaps even, " The other evening my friends and I really felt like some of that wonderful pizza from Lumberjack Pizza in Boonville but they were closed. If I owned that place I'd work my corybungus off and be open for more than just seventeen hours a week"…..
It is very rare for me to reply to letters of no substance or those
where the writer clearly has 'issues' or an axe to grind. However, I have to comment on one such letter from a certain Jay Williamson of Santa Rosa which appeared in last week's 'Letters to the Editor' section. Williamson made implications that your intrepid, respectable, and high-flying reporter, Mr. T.Vulture, might possibly have a need for the illegal drug commonly referred to as "speed" - apparently because I do not like to drive at a "snail's pace". He went on to disingenuously offer his hopes that my well known enjoyment of a pint or case of beer and a glass or bottle of wine will not result in me being charged with a DUI…To paraphrase a Texan friend of mine, "what crawled up his corybungus and died ?"…
His mean-spirited comments about myself ,and his expressed
annoyance with many others on the road, came as a result of my simple suggestion that, for both courteous and legal reasons, people who wish to drive slower than the legal limit should pull over for those of us who wish to drive at that very speed limit. Most of us on Highway 128 know the road very well and are safe drivers merely trying to get work at a speed of more than 45 m.p.h. Thanks for your input Williamson but your remarks are really quite foolish. I imagine with your attitude and outlook on life that you may be quite lonely so perhaps we could meet in The Boonville Lodge, enjoy a chat over copious amounts of alcohol, and after a large dose of amphetamines to keep me awake, I'll drive you home - at a "snail's pace" of course…and on that I give you my word as a drunken speed freak…..
Moving on. A number of Valley dwellers gathered at The Anderson Valley Brewery last Friday evening to wish a very fond farewell to The Atkins-Reed Family of Philo who are re-locating to Louisiana for a number of reasons. First and foremost, micro-biologist Neil, who has been very efficiently running the lab at The Anderson Valley Brewery for the past couple of years, has been offered a position at the Abita Brewery, New Orleans' local brew house. This will allow him to achieve his long sought-after role as a fully-fledged brewer. It's a loss to The A.V. Brewery and he will also be missed on the local social scene where he and I have exchanged informed gibberish on many occasions…A second big reason for the move is that Neal's partner, Courtney, will be much closer to her family in Houston and Atlanta so gatherings with aunts, uncles, and proud grandparents will be much more frequent. Her co-workers at Esterlina Winery on Holmes Ranch Road will miss her hard work, vitality, and, most importantly, friendship. As for Big Owen, their under-two year old, he will be as equally missed as Mum and Dad but if all goes according to plan I look forward to either listening to him in my retirement years at the annual New Orleans Jazz Festival or watching him playing for the U.S.A. soccer team at the 2026 World Cup - or both…Good luck to you all…Best wishes, and may your dreams come true…
Whine of the Week : Not a 'biggie' but It has come to my attention that on the cluttered public notice boards in our local stores, restaurants, and post offices, there seems to be so many postings that the events or services which help benefit the local community are often lost in a 'sea' of self-promoting, money-making schemes for those who are not even from this area. Now I accept they should be able to showcase their 'products' also but not at the expense of the local scene. I asked about this at the Boonville Post Office and was told they only allow local non-profit posters to go in their window - it would appear they have not checked lately. Surely someone can come up with an easy way of improving this situation - I can't……
Wine of the Week : As I dove into the delicious chocolate torte
dessert I felt that the glass of wine I held in my claw would greatly add to the experience - some superb Handley Cellars '01 Zinfandel from the winery on Highway 128 about seven miles north west out of Philo….I was right and strongly recommend you follow suit at your earliest convenience… or sooner…..
Having in the past made a couple of negative comments about Ukiah - The Big City round these parts, I must mention that last Saturday I had a very pleasant time there. Firstly I swooped into the Azteca Mexican Restaurant on South State Street for some delicious heuvos rancheros before embarking on a visit to big bad Wall-Mart. It was not nearly as bad as I had expected and, thanks to the friendly staff and the particularly helpful Rebecca in the shoe department and cashier Brendan, I departed in a good frame of mind. I had spent much longer there than planned and as I approached the door to the Bank of America it was just after 2.30pm and they were closing. In the City of S.F. I have been turned away in similar circumstances but not here. Assistant Manager Adriane very kindly let me in and I was able to complete my transaction …So an enjoyable few hours were spent in the oft-maligned Ukiah and that's got to be a good thing…..
On entering the local Post Office one day last week, I was greeted with the words, "Where have you been, you dirty old man ?" from a wild-eyed woman in purple polyester pants, a blouse emblazoned with big pink flowers, and large round spectacles. I was surprised to say the least. Surely my secret was not out, I thought …Thankfully, an elderly gentleman was a few steps behind me and the comment was directed at him. He chuckled and replied to his 'admirer', "There's nothing wrong with being a dirty old man is there ?…In fact you can't beat it - just like a sore peter !". They burst into laughter in unison and the three of us watching and listening to this exchange couldn't help but laugh too…Valley living - it's a wonderful thing….. On that note I'll bid you farewell…Be careful out there…Let us prey, Turkey Vulture…..
p.s. For three weeks in succession in this column I have felt compelled to mention the act of kissing a bear's posterior. My apologies. It will not be mentioned next week - I'll kiss a bear's ass if it is…..