#23 - June 8th, 2005

Once upon a time, although it was actually one day last week, I decided to make my way out of the Valley and fly westwards to the coast through the beautiful redwoods on Highway 128. As the road snaked through the shadows of the surrounding titans the temperature quickly dropped and I could tell that the oppressive heat of the Valley would soon be replaced by the cool climate which the coastline frequently provides. Yes, I'm referring to the California north coast's natural "air-conditioning" - it's a wonderful thing and on this day it was thankfully turned on to 'full'…..
I was very hot and sweaty after paying a visit to the County Dump outside Boonville where I had enjoyed the usual lively conversation with Ron, the Dump Guy. Apart from commenting on the relatively sudden arrival of the hot weather, we had our usual moan and groan about the world of politics both in this country and abroad. After discussing the chaos in the Middle East and Africa, and how many of the governments in these regions seem to do everything but serve the best wishes and welfare of their people, we inevitably returned to the topic of G. Dubya Bush and his failures in this country. Whimsically, we thought it somewhat surprising that nobody has yet made a concerted effort to 'take him out'. Obviously this was 'Dump Talk' and what's discussed under such circumstances has few boundaries….
At this point another customer, whom neither Ron nor I had seen before, pulled up alongside and began to off-load a huge amount of empty beer and wine bottles into the recycling container. He had heard some of our comments and decided to offer an opinion. He mentioned how we have all heard Bush's gun lobby cronies fondly reminding us that 'guns do not kill people, it's people who kill people', but now our new acquaintance added with a knowing look, "I know guns alone may not kill people, but they sure do make it easy !"….No, no, no, Mr. President, I'm sure he was just kidding - as if a wine and beer guzzling country fellow in Nor Cal would be serious about committing such an act……
Strange but true #22…One of the first stops on my recent travels to the real world a few weeks ago saw me come across some rather fervent Catholics in a seedy bar not far from the Mitchell Brother's Adult Entertainment Club - The O'Farrell Theatre in San Francisco. These young gentlemen were eagerly awaiting the announcement of the new Pope and like myself they were hoping that whoever it was would do as good a job as their all-time favorite, Gregory XV …Meanwhile, whilst they waited to hear the momentous decision in the company of some very exotic characters, they were well aware that they had a been left 'alone' for a short period of time and, with no 'leader' to keep a judgmental eye them, they were planning to seize the opportunity to indulge in various sins without fear of reprisal. It appeared that these sinful acts were certainly going to involve the participation of some of the scantily dressed women in the bar who were taking a break from their 'performances' across the street at The O'Farrell…As I've said many times before "it takes all sorts", but these young papists were some very strange folks indeed and the activities which followed cannot be discussed in a family newspaper such as this - not that I was in any way involved, I can assure you. However I can reveal that when one of the young women removed her (continued on page 74)…..
Isn't it about time for time for some Jive Turkey ?…I thought so…Well, I may have informed you in the past that if one of my Turkey Vulture brethren is spotted with wings outstretched wide, sitting still in a tree, on a pole, etc, then he or she may be informing friends and family that in the immediate vicinity there is some 'good eatin' to be had. However, if this occurs in the early morning sunlight it is more likely to be a spot of sunbathing to increase the body temperature after a cool night. Conversely, to cool themselves off during the hot summer months, we may have to resort to defecating on our feet …. What ?…What ? - I humbly suggest that you reserve judgement until you've tried it for yourselves…..
On one of my flights into Boonville last week, I stopped at The Redwood Drive-In to get some gas and enjoyed a lively conversation with someone I always enjoy seeing - Duck Lips. She mentioned that it was good that I was known as Turkey Vulture and not Buzzard as there had already been a Buzzard in this Valley and there would only ever be one. This was Luster Bivens and he earned the right to be referred to as 'Buzzard' due to the way he appeared to the swoop into town every day from high up in the hills. Duck Lips had taken care of the old fella during his later years before he finally passed away at the grand old age of ninety nine years and eleven months !!. Many, many years previously Buzzard had planted the two large redwoods outside The Rookie-To Gallery which continue to provide some wonderful shade in downtown Boonville as the sun beats down during the summer months - a great parking spot if you can get it.. As Duck Lips notes, Buzzard also was well known for his skills in making bone-handled cutlery. Apart from one fork most of his own collection was lost in a fire. He used that fork to eat his eggs with every morning - "Something to behold", she mused, "It was mind boggling"…I'm not quite sure what she meant but it was a lovely little talk we had and I look forward to the next one…..
Funny line in the on-line satirical magazine, 'The Onion Weekly Dispatch'… "I've just heard that Tom DeLay's blood was in the water and the sharks were circling him, but unfortunately it turned out to be just a metaphor"…Well I laughed anyway…..
This past Friday I was pleased to see that it was 'business-as-usual' with regards to the 'night life' scene in the heart of the Valley… A good crowd of drinkers, both professional and amateur, had assembled at The Anderson Valley Brewery Tasting Room for "Earlies" which, thanks to the excellent hosting of Todd behind the bar, managed to stretch to a little past 9pm for quite a few of the usual suspects. Although I left the Brewery in fine fettle, peanuts and pretzels had not been sufficient so it was most comforting to know that Moya's Taco Stand would naturally be on hand to supply the much needed sustenance to set up the evening's final 'session' …A tasty mini-chicken burrito ($4) later, I flew down Highway 128, swooped up the ramp into The Buckhorn Saloon, and moments later I was quaffing a pint of nourishing Poleeko Gold Pale Ale very capably served by Barman Tom. The beer, wine, and laughter flowed as a group of local characters shared weird and wonderful tales of life this past week in the Valley. Of course I couldn't possibly comment on what was revealed - if you wish to know this important 'stuff' you'll just have to be there next week ….. ….
The Word of the Week on this occasion is the splendid and, in my opinion, very onomatopoeic, "groodles", which is another word for "leftover food"…I actually used the word just yesterday when a couple of guests up at The Nest failed to eat all the meat off the baby back pork rib bones which I had generously bbq'd for them. I politely inquired, "If you're done eating, I'd love to nibble on your groodles" -what could they say ? Enjoy the word - it has great potential…..
Well unless something amazing happens in the next few seconds that will be all for this week other than to leave you with a reminder of another "Universal Truth" which I experienced at a gathering in town over the weekend - "One of the most awkward things that can happen in a bar is when your beer-to-toilet cycle gets synchronized with a complete stranger"… Yes, be careful out there…
On that note, I would imagine it's time for us all to prey….kind regards, Turkey Vulture (turkeyvulture1@earthlink.net)