#27 - July 6th, 2005

Hot enough for ya ?…Well, despite having a red bald head, it's certainly been too hot for me in all these black feathers so to cool myself down, as any smart Turkey Vulture would, I've been defecating on my feet for over a week now. As I've mentioned here before, it's what we Vultures do in such circumstances and if I were you I wouldn't knock it until you've tried it…..
Moving very swiftly on; up, up, and far away from the unsavory happenings around my feet, here's some "Enlightening News" I received from my Vulture Brothers and Sisters in far away lands, via The Onion Magazine…
1 - Fenghua, China - Chen Hsien, an employee of Fenghua Ningbo Plastic Works Ltd., a plastics factory that manufactures lightweight household items for Western markets, expressed his disbelief Monday over the "sheer amount of shit Americans will buy." - Hey, he was just sharing….
2 - Geneva, Switzerland - After years of sectarian violence, a coalition of Jews, Muslims, and Hindus signed an international resolution Monday, confirming their mutual appreciation of chicken dishes. "Whether it is breaded with matzo, served as shwarma, or covered in tikka masala sauce, chicken is the one meat upon which all faiths can agree," said spokesman Jerome Maliszewski, addressing an assembly of rabbis, mullahs, and shamans. "Let this friendly exchange of recipes be the first tentative step toward everlasting peace." - Chicken ? - It's claw lickin' good, I say…..
…And this week's favorite from the 'Personals' - "Optimistic Boonville man, 35, seeks a blonde 20 year old double-jointed supermodel, who owns her own brewery, and has an open-minded twin sister" - I wish him well in his search…..
Now over to the sports' desk for the latest Sheep Herding Results from the pastures…
As we head for the 'dog days' of the baseball season I thought I'd use baseball score lines and analogies to perhaps help you interpret the recent important results in the Yorkville Highlands …
Tuesday, June 14th - Sheep 8 Shepherds and Dogs 2…
As reported here two weeks ago, with the ewes and their lambs fighting off the latter's 'final elimination' , it was a stunning victory in favor of the resilient Sheep. The Shepherds and Dogs were clearly outplayed all over the field(s) and The Master Shepherd could only utter his now infamous line, "Shepherding is not all glamour, you know"…..
Tuesday, June 28th - Sheep 1 Shepherds and Dogs 5…
It was payback time as the focussed Shepherds and their tireless border collies produced their most complete performance of the young season so far. With faultless defense in the outfield, a solid offensive display, a spectacular performance by the dogs in the pen, and some sloppy errors by the Sheep, the result was rarely in doubt. Hopefully some of you caught it on ESPN!…..
It may not be a 'biggie' but nevertheless it's all I have for - "The Whine of the Week"…As is often the case, the remedy for my little complaint is not going to win any Nobel prizes. However, a solution to this week's Whine would be a most welcome surprise…I have been in a few households and many bars of late where the music being played for my listening pleasure comes from the tv - in the form of a service called Sirius, provided by Dish Network. There must be nearly fifty stations featuring every type of music imaginable and it's an excellent alternative to continually changing discs or tapes. However, other than just the name of the artist and the title of the song, the tunes are accompanied by a blank screen. Fine, you may think, and I once would have agreed, but now I wish I had a fresh piece of carrion for every time the conversation turned to guessing what year the song was released. You are not informed of this important fact and reference point and the resulting arguments/discussions can never be resolved at the time of asking. It's frustrating and, although it's only my opinion of course, surely it would be very easy to rectify if somebody, somewhere would do that tiny little bit of extra research. After all, how hard can it be ?…..
Continuing on with this rather hectic and rambling column, we now move quickly to The Wine of the Week… I hadn't cooked a T-bone steak on the grill since last summer - shameful, I know. Therefore, despite having attained my Master's degree from Big Bob's BBQ School at The University of Texas in Austin, as I stood before the grill on July 4th I felt a little rusty and realized that I'd have to fully concentrate on my duties as Grill Master. This meant less beer… It was tough but I pulled through. However, when the succulent steaks were served I was in dire need of a special drink pairing for such magnificent meat. I found one - Anderson Valley's own Handley Cellars' 2001 Zinfandel. Full-bodied, with strong flavors of dark berries and a hint of spice, it was a wonderful match and one for which I hope my god, and yours too, continues to bless America…At least for being, in the words of the song, "the land of the Zinfandel grape and the home of the bbq"…..
Which reminds me - here's your Word of the Week.. It's "to eruct" and it means "to belch loudly"…As in, "After the T-bones had been devoured and the wine drank most of the guests couldn't contain their eructions"…or perhaps even, "In polite circles it is frowned upon to eruct at the dining table but this is not the case at the home of Turkey Vulture where such behavior is encouraged"…What can I say other than "enjoy your eructions"…..
Last Friday, you may be surprised to hear that I spent a couple of hours at Ken Allen's A.V. Brewery Tasting Room for some "Earlys" (three pints of Poleeko Pale Ale) and once again complained, to anyone who wished to listen, that it would not be a 'real' bar until a bar-rail was installed. I know that most experienced and serious bar patrons would certainly agree - trust me on this, Ken, you'll thank me later… Onwards…As I had threatened to do the previous week I then showed up at The Boonville Hotel for my "late-night conversational" - a bottle of Raye's Hill Pinot Noir from here in the Valley. It was a wonderful evening and the Hotel's garden was a delightful setting in which to stare at the stunning display of stars in the night sky. My cohorts and I enjoyed three bottles of the ruby red nectar before heading to The Nest (courtesy of our long-suffering designated driver) where I voraciously ate some delicious chocolate chip ice cream and cookies. It's a Turkey Vulture's life…..
Before I leave you there's just time for another Universal Truth I'd like to share - "Every man has, at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way through and then raced against the flush". It cannot be denied…So, with that to ponder, I bid you farewell…Tom of The Coast (KOZT 95.3 FM) would advise you to, "think good thoughts" and I assume you already know what I propose - yes, "Let us prey"….
Kind regards, Turkey Vulture (turkeyvulture1@earthlink.net)
p.s. As always before I submit a column to the A.V.A.'s 'Governing Council' I have a quick read-through of its contents. As a result I am shocked and must apologize for the more than acceptable amount of hedonistic behavior, toilet humor, and basic smut contained herein…In my defense it has been a crazy, hazy Independence Day Weekend ,and besides, such faux pas are a common occurrence when a bird of prey is allowed to 'sound-off' to the public. This stuff sometimes just rolls off the beak before we can say, "tasty squirrel"… Nevertheless, I will endeavor to raise the quality of my offerings in the future…Now it's hot and I must attend to my feet…..
p.p.s. The slow-driving "Blue" Jay Williamson of Santa Rosa will not be pulling over to permit passing. He is not exactly a bad person, but (continued on page 74)…..