#30 - July 27th, 2005

Unbelievable ! - there's no 'bar for everyone' in the Valley…Words fail me…almost…As a result I feel this is going to be a bit of a roving, rambling, bumbling, mumbling, disjointed, drifting kind of column. "Not for the first time", I hear you say, but for less than three cents for the whole thing, what can you honestly expect ?…
Onward…I can clearly remember where I was when news of the impending closure of The Buckhorn Saloon reached me. I was flying by the bar, a small piece of fresh squashed squirrel in my claw, when I noticed the large bright yellow sign hanging outside the bar announcing a "Farewell Party". Ironically, the biggest and most noticeable sign I had ever seen announcing a Buckhorn event. The 'party' took place a few days later. That was almost two weeks ago - a sad day in these parts…Well, life goes on, and besides, I'm somewhat encouraged by the "reliable rumors" that it may not be too long before a new bar will be opening up at the same venue in downtown Boonville. At this point in time, I couldn't possibly comment any further on these matters.…
On a related topic, of sorts, we can all remember exactly where we were when first hearing the news that certain events had occurred. We've all had this discussion before, I'm sure. Depending on age these will vary greatly from person to person but generally the more tragic or sensational the event, the more likely we can recall our whereabouts. Since the early sixties for many of you these would probably include the shootings of Dr Martin Luther King and Bobby Kennedy in 1968, President Nixon's resignation, the assassination of John Lennon, the Challenger explosion, the O.J. car chase, the death of Princess Diana, the 9/11 tragedy, (perhaps some will now be adding the 7/7 bombings from earlier this month) and, the 'Big Daddy' of them all, the shooting of President Kennedy. Not that I wish to compare the closing of The Buckhorn Saloon with such momentous events of course, but last Friday it almost seemed like I could as I have little trouble remembering exactly were I wasn't - that would be The Buckhorn Saloon. ("That's quite enough., Vulture, now get over it" - The Editor)……Incidentally, a friend of mine who was hanging around in Dallas back in November, 1963, asked Lee Harvey Oswald the question so many have since pondered: "Do you remember where you were when Kennedy was shot ?"… Unfortunately Jack Ruby got to Oswald before he could answer.....
Now, what did I want to talk about ?…Oh, yeah, after a relatively tame Friday evening at The Brewery Tasting Room with just three "Earlys" (delicious and refreshing Poleeko Gold Pale Ales to be precise), I once again had left it too late to get dinner anywhere other than Moya's Taco stand - not a problem. I quickly devoured the almost obligatory super chicken burrito before heading home and winding down with a bottle of Pinot Noir from Anderson Valley's Husch Winery - "which was nice"…On Saturday evening I decided to have a little get-together of the "Usual Suspects" up at The Nest. Those in attendance included winery employees, brewery workers, electricians, carpenters, teachers, shepherds, sports coaches, other birds of prey, etc. It was at this gathering of such local dignitaries that a strange incident occurred which led me to this week's "Useful Word". Once again I find myself unable to avoid choosing an illness of some kind and in this case it is "cynanthropy" (sigh-nan-thra-pee) - a form of madness in which a person thinks he or she is a dog. As in, "one of the guests was a little confused at being up in the hills far from his normal domain and after a few too many shots of Jameson's Irish whiskey he was suddenly stricken with an acute form of cynanthropy and made a futile and dangerous (for him) attempt to herd the startled sheep around their pastures"…..
As you are no doubt well aware, herding sheep is a job for trained sheep dogs and if there's one group who should not attempt the task it would be inebriated humans who will always fall over and hurt themselves. I'm merely trying to help by passing this insight on and perhaps preventing similar incidents from happening... In the meantime, please be on the lookout for anyone suffering with "cynanthropy". If you come across such a person, offering them a bone will probably help. Any sign of understanding or empathy shown to the 'dog' will also soothe the situation - remember, a wise man, whose name escapes me, once observed, "we are all born mad, some remain so, and some become so once again"…p.s. Our friend is now recuperating in his kennel…..
Sign that the Apocalypse is upon us : # 41 - I have received this from one of my sources in the nation's capital - "A report released Monday by the Federal Consumer Quality-Of-Life Control Board indicates that the cost of living now outstrips the benefits of life for many Americans"… I just thought you should know…..
Helpful Hints : # 27 - Do not visit The County Dump on a hot day…Now I know most of you are more aware than you care to be that I enjoy hanging around The Dump on Mountain View Road just outside Boonville. However, I have to explain that this is the case only if the temperature is under 90 degrees and the smells and "goodies' are fresh. As I may have mentioned here before, we Turkey Vultures will not eat old, rotted carcasses and unless I'm very much mistaken the extremely "ripe" odors at The Dump last Tuesday were emanating from something very old and very rotten indeed. We have the largest olfactory (smelling) system of all birds and I can assure you that on this very hot afternoon (92 degrees F) it was most definitely a diabolically foul smell. Dear, oh dear - even my buddy, Ron the Dump Guy, was suffering. Whereas I am normally full of envy for a man in his position, on this occasion I must admit I felt a little sorry for him, realizing for the first time that perhaps working at The Dump was not all glamour !…..
"Whine of the Week" - I find it a little irritating that people who don't drive slam car doors too hard…I assume we all agree on this ?…Good…
Now it's time for…The 'Wine of the Week'…Although I am not a huge fan of the 'corporate big boys' in the Valley I am not so narrow-minded as to ignore quality when it's poured down my gullet. I'm talking about Roederer Estate's top sparkling wine, the L'Ermitage, and in particular the 1994 vintage which I was privileged to enjoy this past weekend. In the past, I may have teased Winemaker Arnaud that I enjoy sipping his prized sparkling wines mixed with orange juice in a mimosa but that was just to ruffle his tight French feathers. In reality I would not dream of such behavior…In fact, to drink the L'Ermitage on the deck at The Nest in the warm afternoon sun, in the company of voluptuous "lady" vultures joyfully parading topless as they gently sip the nectar, is surely as decadent and as close to a heavenly experience as a Turkey Vulture is going to get. Well done, Roederer, and merci beaucoups…..
I should point out that it was not one of these "lady" Vulture friends who was responsible for the decision to 'dump' an associate of mine. Whilst not handsome in the classic sense (he actually has a face like a bag of wrenches), he is athletic, tall - "about as tall as a six foot three inch tree", and is a very good man, capable of great kindness in a 'cruel to be kind' sort of way.. Anyway, whilst I'm sure she had her good reasons, this act of 'dumping' has led my associate to render a touching and eloquent cry for help in the local Personals' Page…"Bitter, disillusioned Boonville man, lately rejected by long-time fiancée, seeks decent, honest, reliable woman, if such a thing still exists in this cruel world of hatchet-faced bitches"...He's taking it rather well wouldn't you say ?…..
Well, I believe my work here is done …Have a good week, think good thoughts, and may your god go with you…Let us prey….Kind regards, Turkey Vulture…..