#35 - August 31st, 2005

What's happenin' dudes and dudettes ?…Nothin' ?…Then perhaps you have time to read the following words of "wisdom"…..
In recent times when visiting the Philo Post Office on a sunny day, like many others I'm sure, I always found it a pleasure to be greeted by the friendly wave of Thelma Pinoli and husband Johnnie from their porch next door. Thus, despite her recent passing, it was heartwarming this past week to see Johnnie sat out there and to be met with his wave and smile. "Yer gotta like that" - thanks, Johnnie, good to see you…..
"Eating out is fun" is a statement I have made here many times. However, if a recent item handed to me by one of my intrepid reporters is to be believed then the fun may soon be at an end…"Protesting years of discriminatory treatment at the hands of America's restaurants and stores, an estimated 800,000 shirtless and shoeless citizens marched on the nation's capital Monday to demand equal-service rights."…Come on now guys, even I make an effort to dress for dinner…..
I mentioned here a couple of weeks ago that I had attended the 60th birthday bash of local raconteur and stuntman, David Boglingerer who now informs me that his resume, or curriculum vitae for the Latin scholars amongst you, needs to be updated. Apparently as a result of the many hours he has spent in the hills and pastures of Bell Valley, just east of our own Anderson Valley on the way to Ukiah, he became enthralled by the varying types of excrement he discovered on his 'walkabouts'. He assures me that this is a fascinating area for study and recently gave a most illuminating talk on the subject to an enraptured group at The T.R. (The Tasting Room at The Anderson Valley Brewery). So now I am obliged to make an addition to his resume and inform you that he is officially a scatologist and no doubt a very good one…..
Talking of local raconteurs, I know I am not the only one out and about on the social scene of The Valley who has at some point felt 'trapped' by the incessant ramblings of 'those who make a short story long". I'm not sure exactly why this seems to occur, perhaps it's because our socialization here is somewhat intermittent rather than the continual interaction of city life and therefore when we get an 'audience' we want to hang onto it - whatever the reason it has to be stopped… It's only my opinion of course but knowing when to "get in and get out" with your comments without "boring the ass off" your listeners is a social skill we could all use. I'm sure some of you, on rare occasions presumably, have wanted me to shut up. Hopefully I sensed this and managed to "smile and walk away from the microphone" before your boredom levels were pushed too far...To ensure it doesn't happen, I propose, perhaps controversially, a "three sentence rule" to be enforced throughout the social gathering places of The Valley when discussion groups of three or more are gathered. (Hopefully, in one-on-one situations the boredom level will eventually become very apparent although even in this scenario the 'message' does not always get through to the orator)…I should also add that anyone over sixty will be exempt from following this rule because in my opinion they can say whatever they like for as long as they want to - besides the listener can always walk/run away - not that I'm proposing that, of course…..
We have many excellent story-tellers in our midst with wonderful tales to tell and the proposal is not aimed at them. If it's an interesting anecdote which has everyone's attention then obviously the "rule" should not be enforced. However, perhaps it should be applied if the storyteller is saying how they "drove into the A.V. Market in Boonville to get some milk and found that the refrigerator had been moved from the near aisle to the far aisle so instead of going there first I went to the produce section which was nearer and there I found some wonderful tomatoes, not the usual Roma tomatoes which I prefer because they were so sweet, but some other kind, for nearly half the price, which is good because I'm only working part-time since my accident, but I'm doing much better, and so anyway, after getting the tomatoes I went down the aisle to the left..no, to the right..or was it the left ?..no, no, no, it was the left.. where I found the milk and there was fat free, 2% fat, or skimmed and I didn't know which to get as I'm trying to diet because the neighbor who had weighed 300 pounds has lost so much weight and she said cutting down on 'dairy' was a big help, but I'm going to diet gradually as my brother, who loves to eat out at restaurants, is coming to stay with me and therefore it's going to be hard to diet strictly whilst he is here, although he does insist on going barefoot everywhere, even though he owns some very good brown hiking boots, or are they black ?..no, they are brown with black laces..no, no, no, black with brown laces, that's it..anyway I bought them for him for his birthday but he won't wear them so maybe he won't go out to eat very often as most places will not serve him without any shoes on, unless the 'equal-service rights' bill for the shoeless and shirtless is passed and he hopes it will be as he went to Washington D.C., our nation's capital, to join the recent march and he was arrested but it was not his fault because… " …(continued on page 74)…..
Know what I mean ?…In the N.B.A. when a player has been illegally in the paint (close to the basket) for more than three seconds without making a shot the referee blows his whistle whilst holding up three fingers to explain his decision to give a change of possession, thus enforcing the "three second rule". I propose that in a scenario where the speaker is "making a short story long" and his yarn has meandered on and on such as the one above, then "the three sentence rule" can be applied by one of the listening group holding up three fingers. At this point the speaker would gracefully end their 'soliloquy' and everyone, including the offender, has a good laugh at his predicament…Please note that the "three sentence" length is an arbitrary amount and is not meant as a firm rule, merely a rough guideline - trust me, you'll know when to raise your fingers…Surely our leisure time and valuable interaction with friends should not be spent listening to tedious tales full of irrelevant, self-indulgent clap-trap whilst we politely stand by without any recourse. I fully realize that this is a subject which is somewhat taboo and that it will probably really only work amongst friends but it's time it was exposed and the blowhards brought to task - most of us are here not to be lectured at but rather to have discussions with…
I just thought I'd throw this out there for debate before I submit the 'rule' to "The Committee" for their undoubted approval and it's enactment into local law. Meanwhile, before receiving the obvious and inevitable response that I should apply the 'rule' to my writings I would defend myself by saying simply that I'm merely trying to help, and besides, you pay less than three cents for the gobbledygook I offer every week and you should get your money's worth - I may be cruel but I try to be fair… Finally, if I am ever in your company and am guilty of this 'crime' of making a short story long, I sincerely look forward to you giving me the "three fingers" - I'll gladly buy you a beer for your troubles !…
O.K. that's it for my Whine of the Week, now it's time for the Wine of the Week… With regards to the recent Valley social scene, the reason I have so little to report is that I have been away for four days attending a wedding and this is where I came across a delightful wine from here in the Valley. The event was a very plush affair and with the dessert course they served a top class 2002 Zinfandel from the Esterlina Winery on Holmes Ranch Road between Philo and Navarro. Paired with the Belgian chocolate truffles it was perfect and well worth the strange look I received when I asked for more of both - for the third time. Get yourself some too !…..
That's enough of this gibberish, I must go…School started just two days ago and I'm already way behind with my homework assignments. So quickly gather round and "Let us prey"…I'm outta here, humbly yours…Turkey Vulture…..