#50 - December 21st, 2005

Greetings one and all…Hopefully you are enjoying the holiday festivities and not getting into a blind panic about it all. It’s the season to be merry and bright and a time for sharing with friends, family and loved ones - which can be one and the same of course – even in the Turkey Vulture world…
Enough of this frivolity, let’s get into it…Firstly, I feel I must reply to a letter printed in the ‘Letters to the Editor’ page of this esteemed organ two weeks ago. It was written by someone in Boonville going by the name of Sandhya Abee (so what sort of name is that then? – I like it) and it was addressed to “The Vulture / Advertiser”. In this letter he/she seemed to imply that I was in some way one of those here at the A.V.A. responsible for the recent attacks on the Stewart’s and Wentzel’s for their “exploitation of man and nature” with their new wine producing operations. I am not guilty, your honor…and, whilst he/she was correct in their assertion that Vultures only go after what is already dead, to make a comparison between my apparent actions and the way a Pit Bull behaves was way off base…
Firstly it was disrespectful to that fine breed of dog, which intends to kill only when taught/provoked to do so by humans and secondly, the comparison was totally wrong in this case as I have not said a word about the “exploiters”. In fact, I have met Doug and Anna Stewart. We drank wine together although they probably were unaware of the questionable company they were in at the time. I like them and have no idea what they have done wrong, apart from installing that white plastic faux picket fence, of course…Perhaps, as I sat reading the letter, slowly falling into a wine-induced stupor, I misunderstood Sandhya’s comments and maybe they were only aimed at ‘The Powers that Be’ at the A.V.A. – in which case, I admire his/her courage but have nothing further to add…..
The following enlightening report is just in from The Balding Eagle, our roving investigative reporter who is currently embedded at a location I cannot reveal. If I were to do so I’d have to kill you…Here it is …”For the 50 billionth consecutive week since its inception, life was revealed to be unfair Monday. Death and suffering continued to be dispersed randomly among the planet's life forms, with such potentially mitigating factors as solid community standing, genetic superiority, and previous good works in no way taken into account. Despite the efforts of the Code of Hamurabi, the U.S. Bill of Rights, and People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, life is expected to remain unfair far into the foreseeable future.”…Great work, Mighty Bald One, no doubt many of our readers will feel a little better about their lot having read this….

A tale to fill you with Christmas Joy…
A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Christmas and says,” I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother
and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.”
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"I’m sorry but we can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like hell
they’re getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."
She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT
getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling
my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a
thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he
says,” they’re coming for Christmas and paying their own way."
Moving on…What a beautiful day for some serious sheep herding. I’m talking about last Friday when I flew down the Valley and up to the Yorkville Highlands to watch The Master Shepherd and his assistant, along with their six border collies, work the flock of unsuspecting sheep who had been calmly grazing on the lush green grass for weeks. It was a perfect day and the dogs all performed well, particularly considering it was the first real session of the winter – the ‘season opener’, as it were… The sheep were clearly over-matched and, in N.F.L. terms, it was a very convincing 28-7 victory for the dogs and shepherds. As the latter relaxed with a beer in the sunshine at the end of their endeavors, and the dogs cooled off in the muddy brook, the thought came over me, as I viewed the magnificent scenery and contented men and dogs – “it doesn’t get any better than this”…
I was very lucky to be there because things could have been much worse….Particularly if you were in need of power from P.G. & E that day and happen to live in the Valley north west of Philo. Yes, the power went out at around 7.45am and, despite the early predictions from P.G. & E. that it would be up again “between 8.47am and 10.47am”, by 10.45am, this ‘promise’ had fallen by the wayside and it was announced that it would be 7pm Friday evening before everyone was back on. Not that I’m blaming P.G. & E. of course, after all it wasn't their fault that a pole carrying a main power line was hit by a vehicle just north of Philo. To make matters worse, inside the Philo Post Office one particular doom-and-gloom advocate announced to those in her presence that she had heard that power would be out for days. She shall remain nameless…Besides, if ever your are in doubt you can always call 1-800-743-5000…..
It was whilst at the Post Office that I bumped into quite a cross-section of Valley folks, all busily involved with their Christmas preparations. Ii was a wonderful little scene with everybody in a cheery mood and wishing one another happy holidays. It was good to see J.R. and Jeannie Collins from the High School, along with daughter Leah, back home for the holidays from her studies (academic and volleyball), at Lewis and Clark University; Franz from Starr Auto, in his work overalls and seemingly not as flustered as most with the whole Xmas thing; Saffron Frazer with the boys, Otto and Angus, no doubt counting the days until Santa arrives (in a kilt perhaps?); and Diana Charles, formerly of The Buckhorn Saloon, looking well and certainly far less stressed out than when I last saw her - working all hours behind the bar…Everyone was joyful – even an Ebeneezer like myself!...Yes, country life in a small town is very heart-warming at this time of year…..
Hot off the presses!!…As a result of a top secret, hush-hush meeting between myself and some local entrepreneurs, in a strictly confidential, secluded location which I am unable to reveal, and following an amount of wine I couldn't possibly comment upon, I am able to inform you that the bar/pub/restaurant formerly known as The Buckhorn Saloon will be re-opening, under a new name, sometime in the next two months. I have secured an exclusive interview with these fine people and more will be revealed next week…Oh, yes, folks, exciting times lie ahead - "Trust me on this, you'll thank me later".....
Well that’s enough spreading of the Christmas spirit, it’s time to take my leave and imbibe some of in real 'spirits' of the season…No Wine nor Whine of the week; no ‘Useful Word or Phrase”; no Helpful Hints, Personals, or Universal Truths…No, good readers, it’s Christmas and I’d just like to pass on my best wishes that you and yours have a happy and healthy holiday…Oh, yes, before I forget, a big thank you for your support and the messages of good will that I have received at turkeyvulture1@earthlink.net…I have only one thing to add, and I think you know what it is – “Let us prey”…Humbly yours, Turkey Vulture…..