#56 - February 1st, 2006

Following extensive research and investigative reporting of moderate quality, I can reveal that the discussions concerning the new ownership of The Boonville Lodge are moving forward and soon this Valley landmark will join The Highpockety Ox and The Mosswood Market on the ever-growing list of New Business Ventures in the downtown ‘metropolis’ of Boonville. The new owners of The Lodge will no doubt look to make some improvements and innovations whilst maintaining a welcome for the crew of ‘usual suspects’ who currently make the bar their local hangout. I wish them well and I’m sure they will add positively to the revitalized scene in The Valley…..
Whilst we are on this topic, may I just suggest to the whiners out there, whom I have already heard dismissing the potential success of these new operations, that they give the new operations a chance to prevail before they judge them to be failures. It seems that some of these people often have the loudest voices and yet they say little of any consequence…It’s unfortunate that a few individuals have nothing better to do, particularly those “know-alls” who despite never having worked in the service industry claim to know all about it. Together with the “nay-sayers” who rarely venture into such places as bars or coffee shops, these moaners will always find something to complain about …Cheer up, you miserable bastards, and feel free to come and join me for a panini sandwich at The Mosswood followed by a delicious pint of Guinness at The Ox before a game of pool at The Lodge – trust me, you might enjoy yourselves.....

Meanwhile, as promised last week, my elite team of roving reporters has reported back on their investigations into the mysterious ‘goings-on’ at The Toll House. This beautiful Victorian house, and the three hundred and twenty acres it sits on at the six-mile marker of Highway 253 in the Belk (Bell) Valley region east of Boonville, has been for sale for some time. A few weeks ago, in the Valley People section of the A.V.A., it was reported that local entrepreneur, Charlie Hiatt, was in escrow to buy the property but, whilst this was no doubt true, my team has uncovered numerous rumors connected with this purchase. Some of these scandalous whispers indicate that the parcel is being sub-divided into eight forty-acre parcels. Others have the property being resold by Charlie to new buyers already. Along with the previous article’s gossip of a casino being installed, the beautiful house has also been the subject of some ‘Valley speak’ implying that it is to become a hotel, or perhaps a restaurant, or even home to a high class escort service!…It’s only my opinion of course but The Brothel in the Belk has a certain enticing ring to it. Not that I know anything about being enticed into brothels, of course…..

Moving very swiftly on…I briefly watched a television documentary the other evening in which I heard Britain’s Prince Charles utter the words, “She was madly generous”. He was referring to his grandmother, The Queen Mother, who died a couple of years ago. I thought it was a strange phrase and I really like it but it does not qualify for the “Useful Phrase of the Week” because, not being a member of the British monarchy who speak in that peculiar way, I cannot imagine ever using it, which is too bad…Speaking of the Royal Family, rumors continue to surface regarding the sexual preferences of Charles’ youngest brother, Prince Edward. He has been married for some years now but let’s be honest, what does that prove?
Actually, I personally don’t care whether Edward is “light on his feet” as Lord Ned of Warwickshire might say, or if he “plays for the other side”, as many other Brits may delicately put it. Similarly, I would be indifferent to news that he is ‘shagging’ his attractive wife from dusk to dawn every night. Whatever he does behind the castle gates is fine with me - he’ll no doubt be pleased to hear that. In fact, I have no strong opinions on any of the current monarchy although I have admired a few of their ilk in the past I must say…Henry “pass me another chicken” the Eighth comes to mind, as does Richard “you can’t prove I killed my nephews” the Third…Not to mention the lovely Lady Diana – “cor, blimey, she was a bit of alright”…Now that's certainly a trio one can imagine having quite an interesting evening with - if eating, villainy, and attractive women are your thing…..

It’s time again for the “Greatest Sporting event in the World”! This claim, made by the N.F.L. and it’s minions in the sporting press, refers to Super Bowl XL (that’s ‘forty’ for the non-Romans out there) and certainly, living in this country, this perspective would appear to be an accurate assessment, although others residing elsewhere may disagree. I am a big fan of our “made-for-TV” sport and will be riveted to the screen on Sunday afternoon at The A.V. Brewery Tasting Room devouring copious amounts of hot dogs and Pale Ales, This year’s Big Game features Pittsburgh against Seattle with the Steelers currently favored to win by 3 ½ points. This figure represents the estimated margin of victory as calculated by those crafty rascals in Las Vegas where gambling is known to take place on occasion. People such as myself are invited to either choose Pittsburgh to win by more than this figure or alternatively we can pick Seattle to lose by less than this amount, or win.
Despite our former leader, George Washington, describing gambling as “the child of avarice, the brother of iniquity, and the father of mischief”, betting on this event will be in the millions of dollars, with every aspect of the game being wagered on, even including the toss of the coin at the start of the proceedings. For entertainment purposes only (of course), I shall be choosing ‘”heads” on the coin flip and taking Pittsburgh to win by more than 3 ½ points. I advise you to do the same…..

On Saturday evening I was kindly invited to attend the belated end-of-season gathering at the school cafeteria for the players, families, and friends of the A.V. High School Boys Soccer team organized by Coach Tom Smith . For those of you who have forgotten, the team completed one of the most successful seasons in the history of the program, winning their league and progressing well into the play-offs before finally falling at the semi-final stage. The season’s success was celebrated in fine style with some absolutely wonderful Mexican food prepared by the players’ mothers. This was followed by an edited video version of the three hour epic play-off victory over Branson High School which saw everyone crowd into the computer room at the school for the viewing. It was a special evening. Well done, Tom, and many thanks to the cooks - fantastic job - I still can't stop thinking about that food!.....

Before I leave you this week, I just want to thank a couple of readers who have recently commented on the column. Firstly, my friend, The Red-Breasted Scouse Grouse wrote to me at turkeyvulture1@earthlink.net and accused me of being too nice, even “brown-nosing”, after I had written complimentary remarks about a few people and places in last week’s piece. May be he is correct. However, I have to say in my defense, that I call it as I see it and if I find something pleasant and positive to write about as I observe from my bird’s eye view, then I will certainly do so…Secondly, I’d like to thank “L.Shrieve of Philo” for the kind remarks in the Letters page last week. I am not sure if we are acquainted but clearly you have great wisdom and I look forward to meeting you one day…In the meantime, I’m outta here!…“Let us prey”…Humbly yours, Turkey Vulture…