# 113 - June 4th, 2008

Greetings one and all and I’m sure you’re all be fascinated to know that the polls for the “Unofficial Mayor of Anderson Valley” will close this coming Sunday, June 8th...So, you have just a few more days to get your ‘votes’ in and I’ll have the results next week…Whilst I’m here you should be aware of just one more of the points in my own manifesto - a vote for Turkey Vulture would be a vote for no more vineyards. This would be vigorously enforced, particularly if one was to be owned by a wine-guzzling know-it-all who has made their millions in an entirely different field of expertise and for some reason therefore assumes they can make wine; someone who has never lived here full-time, and who wouldn’t know a wild hog if it bit them in the ass or a Turkey Vulture if it defecated on their head…But I digress…
Current standings in the poll are: Lauren 14%; Bruce Anderson 12%; Turkey Vulture 11%; Bruce Hering 10%; Captain Rainbow 9%; Ross Murray 8%; Vince Bellew 7%; Bruce Patterson, Emil Rossi, Wayne Hiatt, and Coach Kuny all on 4%; Frida Fox and Cheryl Schrader (A.V. Rescue) both on 3%; Cindy Wilder and Leslie (All that Good Stuff) each have 2%; and a newcomer to the poll, Quinn Reilly- Kalinowski, has 1% of the votes, but she may prove to be unelectable as she is only nine months old – although some might say this may be the best reason for voting for her!…Gene Herr, Ken Allen, Scott Frazier, and Robert (A.V. Brewery) all have .5% each…
Whine of the Week - If you are like me you will find it strange, even annoying sometimes, that when you ask some people a question about something about which it soon turns out that they know nothing or very little, they still feel the need to come up with an answer of some sort, no matter how incorrect it may be or how long it takes them to offer their response. They do mean well of course but the simple reply of, “I don’t know” does not seem to be an option. To me this is a very acceptable reply. It is much more helpful in the long run and it will save everyone lots of time…I’m just merely trying to help…
Wine of the Week – I have drank so much wine over the past several days that I am unable to come up with a clear and concise thought on this...As a result, all I can say is that we have some excellent wines in The Valley and I encourage you to taste as many as possible, as often as you can. It goes almost without saying that you can trust me on this, and can thank me later…
It may not have been on the scale of the famous “Rumble in the Jungle” or ‘The Thrilla in Manila”, each of which featured Muhammed Ali in heavyweight boxing world title fights against George Foreman and Joe Frazier respectively, but last week’s frantic, and at times frightening, “Man against Beast in Philo East” between Tom Towey, owner of The Boonville Lodge Bar & Grill and Big Bad Llama was certainly something to behold…I was flying over the hills, high above Indian Creek in Philo, when I spotted Tom helping his neighbor Carroll Pratt around the ranch. Suddenly there was a swirl of dust and I could just make out The Big Bad Llama (there to protect Carroll’s sheep and perhaps feeling that Tom was threatening or approaching them in an inappropriate way) as he launched an attack on the unsuspecting bar owner and do-gooder.
I zoomed down for a closer look and could see that this was a serious situation with the “Nastiest Llama in the West” going for an early knockout. Judging by its viciousness, the brawl was obviously not going to last long and soon it had developed into an apparent fight to the death. Big Bad Llama, after ramming Tom in the ribs, repeatedly bit him on the shoulder, on his back, arms, and leg, tearing away Tom’s t-shirt and jeans in the process. Tom, not a wimp in anyone’s book, fought back with punches and various well-rehearsed wrestling and judo moves. Twice Tom was on top and each time he backed off giving the Llama the opportunity to move away but the four-legged Maniac kept coming back for more. Finally, Tom managed to pin the Llama on the ground in a strangle hold and tightened his grip around the Llama’s neck. The angry beast growled at first but his resistance slowly subsided and, as he entered his final gasps of life, he thrashed around on the ground with Tom pressing home his advantage. The Llama groaned breathlessly and it was at this point that Tom, being an animal lover at heart, relaxed his grip, slowly backed off, and stood up. The Llama hesitated for a moment, looked up at Tom, and rose to his feet. Tom was ready. The Llama seemed to weigh up his options and, as quickly as he had started the ‘rumble’ five minutes earlier, he decided to count his blessings and staggered off to the pasture where he began to enjoy a little lunch…
The next day Tom was in plenty of pain. The bruises and wounds he had sustained meant he had hardly slept. The Llama meanwhile seemed fine as he grazed contentedly in the field. It had been a short yet classic battle and the crowd (myself, Carroll, and a couple of bemused sheep) felt we had surely been entertained as much as the millions worldwide who had witnessed Ali’s two heroic battles in Zaire and the Philippines back in the 70’s…We also learnt that Tom of The Lodge is not a man to be messed with!!!
On a very different note indeed, I should remind you that the final two performances of this year’s production by the A.V. Theatre Guild will take place at The Grange this Friday and Saturday at 7pm each night. I have heard good things so far about the two short-ish comedies that feature about a dozen of our local actors, several of them who attend our local schools…My advice - come out and support your local theatre and its hard-working and talented actors...I’ll see you in the cheap seats...
Meanwhile - be careful out there, stay out of the ditches, think good thoughts, and may your god go with you…Oh, and of course, one final request, “Let us prey”…
Humbly yours, Turkey Vulture…
You can contact me with words of support/abuse by e-mail at turkeyvulture1 @ earthlink.net