# 476 - 16th September, 2015

   Greetings one and all. Are you are sitting comfortably? Then I shall begin… With The County Fair taking place this coming weekend, I would like to remind some of you, particularly the younger generation, that it is not all about the carnival rides and looking cool with your date – important though such pastimes certainly are. Try to also check out the various display halls featuring arts, crafts, agriculture, etc, along with the impressive livestock corrals, the traditional rodeo, and the always-exciting sheep dog trials. This Fair is a really unique event and one of a dying breed, so why not broaden your horizons and enjoy everything ‘The Best Little Fair in the West’ has to offer? In my humble opinion, that would be cool too…

    Public Service Announcements (P.S.A.’s)… Calendars and pens at the ready… #544 - The Vets from the Mendocino Animal Hospital will be visiting the Valley on one more occasion this month - that’s next Thursday, September 24 at the Anderson Valley Farm Supply on Highway 128, north of Philo… #545 - There’s Karaoke at The Buckhorn tonight, Wednesday, September 16. The show is hosted by Sarah Songbird Larkin of The Real Sarahs and it runs from 9pm until close… #546 - And we have Open Mic at Lauren's Restaurant, also in downtown Boonville, this coming Saturday, September 19. Dinner is served from 5-9pm with the Open Mic starting at 9pm. All styles and expressions welcome - well almost all. Info at 707 895-3869… #547 - The Mendocino Bookmobile returns to the Valley on Tuesday, September 22. They are here on alternate Tuesdays for 45 minutes at each of these places and times: Navarro Store 9am (for just 30 minutes); the Floodgate 12.30pm; Philo 1.30pm; Boonville (Apple Hall) 2.30pm. Phone 463-4694 for further details… #867 - The A.V Museum is open every Saturday and Sunday, from 1pm-4pm. Situated in The Little Red Schoolhouse next to the Elementary School on A.V. Way, this is a perfect thing to do in the Valley when you have a couple of hours spare on a weekend afternoon. It is not without reason that it is generally regarded as ‘The Best Little Museum in the West’…
    As a bonus P.S.A. here is the menu for the Community lunches and dinners over the next week at the Senior Center at the Veterans’ Building in Boonville. The Center asks for a $6 donation from seniors for both lunches and dinners and charges $7 for Non-seniors for lunches and $8 for the dinners… Tomorrow, Thursday, September 17, the lunch, served by Marti Titus and her crew at Noon, will be Steak Pizzola with Root Beer Floats for dessert… Then, next Tuesday evening, September 22 at 6pm, the dinner will feature Fish & Chips and Lemon Bars for dessert. All meals include vegetables, salad bar, and fruit, plus milk, coffee, tea, and lemonade. What a deal - it maybe the best $7 you’ll spend all week!  Hopefully you will be able to attend, and remember – ALL ages are welcome! Hope to see you there… 

    Moving quickly on to a few of the topics and Valley events under discussion this week at The Three-Dot Lounge – yes it’s “Moans, Groans, Good Thoughts, and Rampant (yet surprisingly reliable) Rumors” from my favorite gathering place in the Valley, a somewhat secret location that sees people get together and share their thoughts about life in Anderson Valley and often far beyond, and where we subscribe to the Winston Churchill philosophy that “A lie will get halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to put on its pants”… So, with that in mind, I shall quickly put my pants on and continue…
... Let’s start with some intriguing questions that were raised by Three-Dot regulars about this weekend’s County Fair... Will the attendance be an increase on the last couple of year’s slightly down numbers?... Will the A.V. Brewery’s former Supreme Leader, Ken Allen, last place finisher in the unofficial A.V. Mayor’s election five or so years ago, turn up and for old times sake jump to the front of the line upon his arrival at the Sam Prather Dinner on Saturday night?... Will the Varsity Football team put a ‘big hurt’ on Mendocino High in The Apple Bowl?... Can Yorkville’s Gel and his handler/shepherd Kevin Owens bring the County Fair Title back to the Valley at Sunday morning’s Sheep Dog Trial? (Kevin and wonder dog Bren won two successive years in 2012 and 2013)… Will Pickles the Clown scare any small children?... Will any teenage girls run off with a Carny?... Will any local school boys run off and become a Carny?... Will the corn dogs be as good, unhealthy, and diarrhea-inducing as ever?... Will I win the Carrion-Eating Contest for the tenth year in succession?... All this, and possibly more, will be revealed at The Mendocino County Fair and Apple Show this coming weekend, September 18-20…
… On the topic of what will be revealed at the Fair, there will be a special appearance by County Sheriff Tom Allman at The Fair on Saturday, September 19 at 3.30pm in the Redwood Grove. He will be relaxing in the sunshine, meeting-and-greeting, prepared to answer questions folks may have or accept any ‘advice’ they may wish to pass on… However, if the  Large-breasted Boonville Flasher turns up, the same one who has revealed her enormous orbs to the Sheriff on previous occasions, Tom may have to make a quick exit before he finds himself in some compromising and undoubtedly soon-to-be viral photographs …
… It’s been a ‘war zone’ once again in the Christine Woods region of the Valley, and quite possibly other places too. Following the early spring offensive by the frost-protecting helicopters, I am now referring to another annoying practice adopted by the wineries - in this case it is the use of ‘bombs’ to get rid of gophers. Or perhaps it is their use of ‘bird bangers’ that duplicate gunfire to ward off birds from pecking at the grapes. Either way, and I suspect it to be the former, this latest offensive by the wineries is well underway. The ‘bombs’ are gas explosives inserted in the burrows which are supposed to kill gophers with concussion. Some experts believe this really isn’t very effective, and can cause fires and damage pipes. Given the fact that winery folks are not entirely sure of the actual impact gophers have on vines, I can assure them that the impact of their ‘bombing raids’ in the dawn hours and often through the mornings, are most annoying to many nearby residents… I would like to believe that these comments, ones that incidentally do represent the feelings and thoughts of the many other Valley folks who are awakened by the ‘bombing raids’ and then repeatedly taken aback at each ensuing explosion, will result in the winery bigwigs scrambling to come up with a different technique to rid themselves of the gophers, one that will not upset their neighbors… Or is my faith in human nature misplaced and naive?…
… … On a lighter note, from our 3-Dot regular, The Old Buzzard, comes another in his insightful series – ‘Signs that the Apocalypse is Approaching’… Buzzard reports, “On my travels through the Valley recently I stopped by at a local store and witnessed the following interchange. A customer had just walked out forgetting a bag of his purchases and upon his return to collect this from the clearly amused cashier he sheepishly said, ‘And I’m not even stoned.’ The next customer in line, with a wide grin on her face, said ‘I’m not stoned either.’ At which point the cashier commented, “Well, neither am I.” Now while this is obviously not a sign of the Apocalypse’s approach, it is certainly a sign of our times and a undoubtedly an accurate slice of Valley life that is led by some folks around here…”

    Well now I think it’s time to take our leave - besides I’ve got see a man about a sheep… So, that’s enough, “take me drunk, I’m home,” and until we talk again – ‘Keep the Faith’; be careful out there; if you break a leg don’t come running to me; stay out of the ditches; think good thoughts; be wary of strangers with more dogs than teeth; please remember to keep your windows cracked if you have pets in your vehicle; and may your god go with you… Oh, and of course, one final request, “Let us prey”… Sometimes poking, often stroking, but almost always humbly yours, Turkey Vulture…
p.s. You can contact me with words of support/abuse either through the Letters Page or by e-mail at
p.p.s. Missing the Venerable Pheasant everyday… On the sheep, Grace… Keep on humming, Hummingbird…