A Tale of Conflict in the Country

A Tale of Conflict in the Country
The reverberations in the Valley continued into the night on Christmas Eve, 2003 after the day's shocking event.....They were attributed to the fact that we had awoken to find one of our sheep lying up against the pasture fence, 60 yards from our house, with half her flank chewed off, a leg missing, and her throat a bloody mess - slaughtered, it was soon determined, by a mountain lion. Such news travels throughout the area very rapidly.......

Mountain Lions are an endangered species, and as such are protected, but as a result of this policy their numbers have been dramatically rising over the past decade along with the inevitable increase in their appearances amongst 'civilization'. Only the Government Trapper is allowed to kill them, and then only if they are a threat to humans or livestock - it seems a valid policy to me. Most of the grazing land in our region is used up by vineyards and to see evidence of a lion was quite a rare occurrence at this end of the valley where there are less sheep and cattle than further south. However, apart from us and a few others with small flocks/herds, our one neighbour has many, many sheep and lambs at this time of year and is in a constant battle with the threats posed by coyotes and wild pigs....and now a mountain lion had turned up.

At about 8.30 am on Wednesday, Dec 24th, I had stepped on to our deck with a hot cup of coffee in hand to be greeted by the remains of a dead bird (just a few feathers and a beak) courtesy of one of our cats, O.J., appropriately ! .....Ahh, the sight of death in the morning, I thought - little did I realize that this was just the beginning.....I glanced out towards the sheep pasture and did my usual knee-jerk reaction of a head count - only six, not seven !...No real surprise to me as it is ridiculous how often one miscounts sheep and I was just about to recount when I noticed another woolly mound against the far fence, about forty yards from the others, not moving and on it's side. I feared the worse and immediately ran down to the pasture and hurrying through the gate, whilst making sure our four inquisitive border collies stayed outside the fence, I approached the scene. There was quite a lot of blood, although I'm told that coyotes (unlike lions who kill just for food) do this for fun and make a real mess when they get hold of their prey. There was torn wool where the lion had attempted to drag off the 130 pound ewe through the fence to bury it but this had proved too difficult and he had been unable to get it through and into the woods on the other side. It would have been planning to return at nightfall and dig up the sheep to continue with the feast. Fortunately (easy for me to say), the elderly ewe would have died very quickly, either from having her throat ripped out or from a heart attack brought on by sheer panic.

I returned to the house and announced to my wife, Patty, "One of the old ewes has been killed", and promptly called the Trapper. He said he'd be here in an hour which was surprising to me having only just become familiar with 'Boonville Time'. Sure enough he was here at the appointed time and on his arrival at the 'crime scene' he immediately deduced that the culprit was indeed a mountain lion and immediately began to plan for it's capture. He decided not to use his dogs as he was convinced the lion was only a matter of yards away in the woods and "staring at us right now". The dogs would only chase the lion down through the woods to Highway 128 and who knows what might happen at that point. No, a trap would have to be set and the waiting game would begin. Shortly after, the Mendocino County Fish and Game Warden showed up and issued a permit to kill the lion and informed me that the lion would not be saved and released back into the wild - that policy is not adopted when livestock has been killed. I said I understood although perhaps I didn't.

The Trapper continued to set up the trap - unfortunately using the ewe as bait..... As I stood nearby, acting as if I had seen this hundreds of times before rather than never, the Trapper removed her innards, stomach, bowels etc before they began to decay and smell - not very tempting even for the hungriest of lions. He then dragged the ewe's body to the back of a cage about 12 feet long with a 4 feet wide and high opening and a latched door which is only released if the lion gets to the body at the end of the cage and steps on the release device....The trapper said he would come out tomorrow to shoot the lion if we catch it....
"….but it's Xmas day tomorrow", I said, thinking he would be with his family and friends all day...."It's what we have to do," he replied….

Apart from Hugh the Ram, that particular ewe was the most 'aggressive' of our sheep and was the 'lead sheep' amongst the ewes - each flock has one. Having seen her refusing to back off and trying to stare down our sheep dogs, Grace and Rose, we believe she died as a result of bravely standing her ground at the front of the other sheep and confronting a large, wild, hungry lion - the two situations are hardly similar. She had by far the loudest "baaaaaahhhh", and was very pushy - nudging and bumping into me each day as we brought them their alfalfa pellets and oat hay - not pleasant when she represents a 130 pound soggy sponge after it has been raining...

As we left the scene, I mentioned that Patty and I were having a leg of lamb for our Xmas dinner, the Trapper grinned and said, " You're not the only one ! "... Despite a sense of sadness, I cracked a smile as the Trapper and Warden laughed loudly.......... As darkness fell we waited to see what would happen....There was torrential rain and very strong winds ...The dogs came inside, the remaining sheep huddled in the corner of their field, no doubt extremely fearful......and for us it was time for a bottle of wine - at the very least.......

At about 10pm we let the dogs out and in a couple of minutes they were back at the door.....We knew something was up. I grabbed a torch/flashlight, and we went onto the deck to be confronted by a thick, damp mist. I peered out through the black night across the land towards the cage where I shone the light.....Two very large, golden yellow eyes stared right back ! It was quite a shock. I scanned across the land and saw the six remaining sheep huddled even closer together than normal in the near corner of the pasture. It appeared that the lion was in the cage with the remains of the ewe although Patty thought he might be on top of the cage, not in it. Should I walk out to the pasture and confirm either way ? Being a City boy and having no idea whether the lion, if not in the cage, would either run off or attack, I decided another glass of wine was preferable to ending up like the ewe. It was just too difficult from our vantage point and with the mist to confirm where the lion was so we decided not to call the Trapper until daylight when we could inform him of the situation either way.....We went to bed and I couldn't stop thinking about the lion and whether or not it should be killed. I have supported over twenty animal charities over many years and this was a very strange situation for me. I had been an animal-loving city boy all my life and now this........

I awoke at 7am, immediately grabbed the binoculars (even before coffee) and went outside into the bright, early morning sunlight - yes, we had a lion in the cage...I walked across the land and approached the cage. The lion was in wonderful condition - big round eyes, huge feet, sleek coat, weighing in at about 80 pounds of rippling muscle. It was a little agitated by my presence but more scared than aggressive, avoiding eye contact, and pacing gracefully from one end of the cage to the other. It had not touched any more of the ewe and the Trapper later informed me that it would have spent the whole night since its capture trying to get out of the trap and would have lost all interest in the sheep the moment the gate had closed behind it. I stayed at one end of the cage for about fifteen minutes, repeating over and over, "It's o.k., it's o.k." as I kneeled down...He calmed down and sat at the opposite end of the cage, occasionally looking at me with those huge eyes. I had nothing but admiration for this wonderful animal and really hoped there was another way of dealing with this. For a brief second or two I thought about releasing him - if only he would just leave our land and catch some of the deer, jack rabbits, and wild hogs way back in the woods instead of killing our sheep...and the livestock of others now that he had the taste....I returned to the house, feeling very subdued, and called the Trapper.

He showed up about forty minutes later with his son and a friend. They immediately walked to the cage. I followed. In seconds he had deduced it was a two year old male most likely ostracized by the rest of its pride and now hunting alone. He aimed his rifle from about twenty feet away and shot the lion in the head…. The beautiful animal reared up and fell in a heap on top of the ewe - blood pouring from his wound and mouth. The magnificent beast shuddered for a few seconds, heart still beating, and then he expired. I was shocked at the suddenness of it all and felt very sad indeed.....

The Trapper and his friend carried out a brief necropsy, measured the lion, took blood samples, and carried it, and the ewe, to their truck to take them for a more detailed exam which would enlighten the authorities as to where the lion had been and what it had been eating recently, etc. We chatted for a time about his job and the continuing battle between man and nature. He told me that the lion would have been hunting alone out there, covering an area of about 100 square miles, and there was a chance I would never see one again - very few people ever do despite living up here.

We wished each other a 'Merry Christmas' and I thanked him for dealing with the problem so quickly and efficiently and we said goodbye. It was a Christmas morning I will never forget and for days later I continued to feel very ambiguous about the whole episode despite the fact that two local farmers with livestock (cattle and sheep with lambs) had already called to ask about what happened and both were in no doubt whatsoever that the lion had to be killed......Despite friends from the City expressing somewhat different points of view, particularly those who had gathered signatures in the 80's to 'save the lions' in the first place, I realise that there was only one way of dealing with such a situation…...

Later on Christmas Day we tucked into a beautiful leg of lamb with the usual 'fixings' and the irony of eating such a meal only hours after a dead sheep had left the land with only three legs was not lost upon us......... All day long the remaining sheep were quiet and that behaviour continued for many days thereafter. They repeatedly stared across at the fence area where the ewe was found and would not walk down that way. We gave them some apples and extra alfalfa but they seemed very skittish and the smallest one was particularly frightened for a couple of weeks. We have not had any more sightings or evidence of any predatory animals on or around our land since then but with the winter months here once again, and food a scarcity in the hills and forests where they reside, it would not shock me to have a repeat visit……but what do I know, I'm just a confused city boy in the country..........
R.I.P. The Mountain Lion......and the Ewe…...

#51 - December 28th, 2005

So another Christmas day has come and gone giving me the ideal opportunity to introduce this week’s question for debate in the ‘Jive Turkey’ section of the column – “Is Christmas really only for kids and gay men?”…I eagerly await your views…

Meanwhile, we are still in the midst of the Holiday Season and now have to face a night of drunken debauchery in the form of New Year’s Eve. It’s a night I rarely enjoy if I venture out with the masses. As a seasoned veteran over the years of many a “very good drink”, I generally find December 31st a most annoying and ‘ugly’ night of socializing. It’s “amateur night” and the obnoxious antics of some of the revelers, many of whom are out for their one big night of the year, is something that I can do without…. But what are you going to do – I’ll be out and about as usual, hope to see you somewhere…..

On the subject of strange behavior, our resident investigative reporter, Balding Eagle, has just uncovered a highly confidential study into the private lives of Americans and passed it on to me via The Onion magazine. It is entitled, “100% of Americans lead secret Lives”, and I hope you find it enlightening…Over to you, Baldy…
The study shows that 100 percent of Americans fail to disclose the full truth about what they think and do in private.
"While startling and often embarrassing revelations about the private lives of politicians, pro athletes, and celebrities surface on a routine basis, our research indicates that Americans out of the public eye also have a lot to hide," said Berkeley sociology professor Dr. Mia L. Greene, who headed the 10-year study. "Surprisingly, famous people aren't the only ones participating in shady business dealings, substance abuse, and peculiar sexual activities."
"The secrets of the people living next door are often just as icky as the scandals that make the papers," Greene said. "If Claire Mallon, a 43-year-old bank teller from Rockingham, VT who still sleeps in the same bed as her elderly mother, were to receive the level of attention we give Kobe Bryant, we might see headlines like, 'Cash-Doling Sicko Snuggles Mommy.'"
The Berkeley study, based on exhaustive surveillance of thousands of individuals, as well as information gleaned from personal diaries and nosy neighbors, undoes any perception that people living in quiet obscurity are without bizarre tendencies. According to Greene, every single study participant had a history of abnormal behavior.
"While hotel heiress Paris Hilton's infamous sex tape was breaking, Cleveland piano teacher Jon Knowles was sitting at his kitchen table eating a bowl of cat food," Greene said. "And, while the Monica Lewinsky scandal was threatening to unseat a president, Clay Pulvermacher of Wauwatosa, WI was busy mailing birthday cards to himself."
One expert in human behavior said that the study's repercussions will be minimal. "Human beings have a remarkable ability to keep themselves from recognizing their own flaws while attacking others," San Francisco-based psychiatrist James Dowling said. "This whole thing should blow over as soon as the initial sting fades. Besides, the fact that I like to be spanked—hard—is no one's business.”
Which reminds me…I must take a moment to pass on sincere best wishes for a happy and healthy 2006 to my favorite A.V.A. ‘man of letters’, David Bedliner. His contributions to the Letters’ Page are always very welcome. Not only is he the Valley’s most daring stuntman and fascinating raconteur but he just happens to be a good man - and I don’t care what others may say…..
Talking of good men, what about my buddy Old Crow?... He came through for me last week when, despite the weather, I hoped to enjoy a Christmas tipple with the Michigan Magpie out on the coast and, thanks to Crow, I was able to head that way when the old fellow volunteered to be our designated driver. He had to do some Christmas shopping in Fort Bragg and said he’d drop us off in the town of Mendocino and pick us up a couple of hours later... The rain was torrential and we had been experiencing such weather for a couple of days so as we traveled west along Highway 128 it was already awash with rainwater in many places..…
Old Crow dropped Magpie and myself off downtown at 1pm and we enjoyed a brisk and bracing walk along the cliff tops before getting down to business. We had a fine lunch (good cheese burger, average fries) and three excellent pints of Guinness at Patterson’s Pub in Mendocino where the very efficient and sweet-smiling Teresa served us well. From there we decided to have a couple of “conversationals” at Dick’s Place overlooking the ocean while we waited for Old Crow’s return. It turned out that he was delayed so this turned in to a “very good drink” consisting of a couple of pints of Poleeko Pale Ales from our own A.V. Brewery, followed by some vodka/grapefruits for myself and a trip along the whisky shelf for Magpie. We tried to leave for a walk around town but the lovely Yula was working behind the bar and it was still drizzling outside so it was a no-brainer to be truthful and we stayed for more drinks. Finally, at 6pm, a miserable Old Crow turned up and we said our fond farewells and hit the road…..
Just as we reached the bridge where Highways 1 and 128 meet at Navarro Point, the Caltran tucks appeared and one of the workers announced, with some glee in his voice it appeared to me, that Highway 128 was closed with two feet of water flooding over the road at the nine-mile marker…We knew this meant backtracking and then returning to the Valley via Comptche - a detour adding about fifteen miles to our journey. It was quite an adventure with some slick and winding roads to negotiate but much merriment was had by at least two of us - I cannot be sure that Old Crow enjoyed the singing and gibberish as much as myself and The Magpie…Hey, that’s what friends are for sometimes… I owe you one, Crow – Just like Bedliner, you’re a good man, too…..
Public Service Announcement #21: Useful numbers at this time of year…For road conditions and closures use 1-800-gas-road (427-7623) and for power problems and outages call 1-800-PGE (743)-5000….I’m merely trying to help…..
This week I had hoped to have an exclusive interview with the new proprietors of the new bar/restaurant establishment, formerly The Buckhorn Saloon, in downtown Boonville. This plan had to be somewhat modified as little time was available due to all of the holiday festivities but after my discussions with both parties, I am at least able to inform you of some of the developments.
I can confirm that, after some months of negotiations, Jason Schrider and Anna Kamitses have secured a new lease from landlord Ken Allen at The A.V. Brewery and everyone concerned is looking forward to creating a successful business venture and enjoyable gathering place for ‘all sorts’. The new bar hopes to be open in the next couple of months and will feature local beers from the A.V. Brewery along with some imports…The menu will consist of American fare, featuring as much local produce as possible, with breakfast on Saturdays and brunch on Sundays. They will do lunch during the week, dinner every night, and bbq during the summer months…There will be t.v.’s showing sports (not necessarily with sound) and the music will be predominantly blue-grass with live bands planned for the future – an inspired choice I have to say…I know Jason and Anna to be very bright, community-minded, enthusiastic, and hard-working individuals who have good knowledge of the bar/restaurant business. I wish them every success and believe that they will do a fine job…and hopefully a great one…Oh, and the name of this new bar in town?...I think it’s perfect but at this point I’m sworn to secrecy…although I do have my price of course.....
Well, that’s all I have time for this week, so without further ado here’s hoping for a happy and healthy 2006 for all of you...and now for the final time in 2005, “let us prey”…Humbly yours, Turkey Vulture…..

#50 - December 21st, 2005

Greetings one and all…Hopefully you are enjoying the holiday festivities and not getting into a blind panic about it all. It’s the season to be merry and bright and a time for sharing with friends, family and loved ones - which can be one and the same of course – even in the Turkey Vulture world…
Enough of this frivolity, let’s get into it…Firstly, I feel I must reply to a letter printed in the ‘Letters to the Editor’ page of this esteemed organ two weeks ago. It was written by someone in Boonville going by the name of Sandhya Abee (so what sort of name is that then? – I like it) and it was addressed to “The Vulture / Advertiser”. In this letter he/she seemed to imply that I was in some way one of those here at the A.V.A. responsible for the recent attacks on the Stewart’s and Wentzel’s for their “exploitation of man and nature” with their new wine producing operations. I am not guilty, your honor…and, whilst he/she was correct in their assertion that Vultures only go after what is already dead, to make a comparison between my apparent actions and the way a Pit Bull behaves was way off base…
Firstly it was disrespectful to that fine breed of dog, which intends to kill only when taught/provoked to do so by humans and secondly, the comparison was totally wrong in this case as I have not said a word about the “exploiters”. In fact, I have met Doug and Anna Stewart. We drank wine together although they probably were unaware of the questionable company they were in at the time. I like them and have no idea what they have done wrong, apart from installing that white plastic faux picket fence, of course…Perhaps, as I sat reading the letter, slowly falling into a wine-induced stupor, I misunderstood Sandhya’s comments and maybe they were only aimed at ‘The Powers that Be’ at the A.V.A. – in which case, I admire his/her courage but have nothing further to add…..
The following enlightening report is just in from The Balding Eagle, our roving investigative reporter who is currently embedded at a location I cannot reveal. If I were to do so I’d have to kill you…Here it is …”For the 50 billionth consecutive week since its inception, life was revealed to be unfair Monday. Death and suffering continued to be dispersed randomly among the planet's life forms, with such potentially mitigating factors as solid community standing, genetic superiority, and previous good works in no way taken into account. Despite the efforts of the Code of Hamurabi, the U.S. Bill of Rights, and People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, life is expected to remain unfair far into the foreseeable future.”…Great work, Mighty Bald One, no doubt many of our readers will feel a little better about their lot having read this….

A tale to fill you with Christmas Joy…
A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Christmas and says,” I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother
and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.”
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"I’m sorry but we can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like hell
they’re getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."
She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT
getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling
my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a
thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he
says,” they’re coming for Christmas and paying their own way."
Moving on…What a beautiful day for some serious sheep herding. I’m talking about last Friday when I flew down the Valley and up to the Yorkville Highlands to watch The Master Shepherd and his assistant, along with their six border collies, work the flock of unsuspecting sheep who had been calmly grazing on the lush green grass for weeks. It was a perfect day and the dogs all performed well, particularly considering it was the first real session of the winter – the ‘season opener’, as it were… The sheep were clearly over-matched and, in N.F.L. terms, it was a very convincing 28-7 victory for the dogs and shepherds. As the latter relaxed with a beer in the sunshine at the end of their endeavors, and the dogs cooled off in the muddy brook, the thought came over me, as I viewed the magnificent scenery and contented men and dogs – “it doesn’t get any better than this”…
I was very lucky to be there because things could have been much worse….Particularly if you were in need of power from P.G. & E that day and happen to live in the Valley north west of Philo. Yes, the power went out at around 7.45am and, despite the early predictions from P.G. & E. that it would be up again “between 8.47am and 10.47am”, by 10.45am, this ‘promise’ had fallen by the wayside and it was announced that it would be 7pm Friday evening before everyone was back on. Not that I’m blaming P.G. & E. of course, after all it wasn't their fault that a pole carrying a main power line was hit by a vehicle just north of Philo. To make matters worse, inside the Philo Post Office one particular doom-and-gloom advocate announced to those in her presence that she had heard that power would be out for days. She shall remain nameless…Besides, if ever your are in doubt you can always call 1-800-743-5000…..
It was whilst at the Post Office that I bumped into quite a cross-section of Valley folks, all busily involved with their Christmas preparations. Ii was a wonderful little scene with everybody in a cheery mood and wishing one another happy holidays. It was good to see J.R. and Jeannie Collins from the High School, along with daughter Leah, back home for the holidays from her studies (academic and volleyball), at Lewis and Clark University; Franz from Starr Auto, in his work overalls and seemingly not as flustered as most with the whole Xmas thing; Saffron Frazer with the boys, Otto and Angus, no doubt counting the days until Santa arrives (in a kilt perhaps?); and Diana Charles, formerly of The Buckhorn Saloon, looking well and certainly far less stressed out than when I last saw her - working all hours behind the bar…Everyone was joyful – even an Ebeneezer like myself!...Yes, country life in a small town is very heart-warming at this time of year…..
Hot off the presses!!…As a result of a top secret, hush-hush meeting between myself and some local entrepreneurs, in a strictly confidential, secluded location which I am unable to reveal, and following an amount of wine I couldn't possibly comment upon, I am able to inform you that the bar/pub/restaurant formerly known as The Buckhorn Saloon will be re-opening, under a new name, sometime in the next two months. I have secured an exclusive interview with these fine people and more will be revealed next week…Oh, yes, folks, exciting times lie ahead - "Trust me on this, you'll thank me later".....
Well that’s enough spreading of the Christmas spirit, it’s time to take my leave and imbibe some of in real 'spirits' of the season…No Wine nor Whine of the week; no ‘Useful Word or Phrase”; no Helpful Hints, Personals, or Universal Truths…No, good readers, it’s Christmas and I’d just like to pass on my best wishes that you and yours have a happy and healthy holiday…Oh, yes, before I forget, a big thank you for your support and the messages of good will that I have received at turkeyvulture1@earthlink.net…I have only one thing to add, and I think you know what it is – “Let us prey”…Humbly yours, Turkey Vulture…..

#49 - December 14th, 2005

With Christmas fast approaching the “headless chicken syndrome” is increasingly prevalent. Whilst casually perusing the shopping district in Fort Bragg last week I was buffeted out of the way by a couple of panic buyers who hardly noticed I was there. Those who know me would find that hard to believe and yet these shoppers continued on their chaotic way without a word. Not only are the buyers in a trance, it seems that many of the sales assistants are similarly affected. This cannot be said of three very personable and hard-working staff at the Radio Shack in town. Kathy, Mary, and Randee couldn’t have been more helpful and patient in trying to solve the difficult cell phone problems I confronted them with…Thank you ladies/women/girls – it was tough at times but we got there in the end…..
As someone who watches an unhealthy amount of sport on T.V., I feel qualified to comment on the ever-increasing number of car and beer commercials which dominate the breaks in the action. Strange phenomenon really – the marketing gurus seem to be encouraging us to drink and drive, in other words, to go f*** ourselves. Not very nice of them, I have to say…..
Things People Say - # 34 : I overheard this from a curmudgeonly old man in the Philo Post Office the other day…Referring to his nephew who had suffered financial ruin, he commented, with tongue in cheek I would hope…“If they didn’t want to go bankrupt, they should have thought about that before deciding to pursue their dreams”…..
A number of you have enquired about the whereabouts and well-being of my Senior Roving Reporter, The Balding Eagle. Well, he is still mentally scarred from the shock of hearing about President’s Bush’s tentative plan to cull all Bald Eagles to prevent the spread of avian flu but otherwise he is in fine health and back at work. Last week he headed east and, from his base in Amherst, Massachusetts, has filed this report entitled, ‘80% of all hermits are recovering from broken hearts’ —‘According to conclusions reached by researchers at the University of Massachusetts, four-fifths of the world's dedicated recluse population were once luckless in love. "We have conclusively linked heartsickness to the behavior of dwelling in remote mountaintop caves, in bramble-covered forest huts, and on nameless unmapped islands," professor of solitary psychology Ludwig Meyer said Monday. "The loss of a lifetime's one true love seems to be enough to drive some people into splendid isolation in arctic regions and trackless jungle wilds." The study noted that the remaining 20 percent of hermits were driven from human contact by the desire to run naked around the woods, urinating though their knee-length beards.’…Yes, folks, the Eagle has landed…and is doing a fine job, obviously…..
Thanks to those of you who have written to turkeyvulture1@earthlink.net with your kind/unkind comments and questions. If you haven’t received a reply yet, don’t panic, I shall reply to everyone in time – it would be rude not to…Meanwhile, just to clear up any confusion which apparently has surprisingly arisen in some quarters on the topic of my farewell salutation, “Let us prey” …When I ask you to “prey” with me I am not saying “pray” with me – far from it actually. I am simply requesting, or suggesting, that you be on the lookout for anything which may be of some benefit to you or your loved ones – as, for example, the discovery of some carrion would certainly be for me and my Gang. Whilst I obviously accept any of you praising any god of your choosing, I myself am still ‘searching’ and have not come to a definitive conclusion on this deepest of matters. Thus it is not a religious comment. Furthermore, it’s only my opinion but I do not believe that Church and Turkey Vultures mix too well.
Moving on…I thought, “What a festive idea”, when I was invited to bake cookies and watch Christmas movies one evening last week. As you can imagine, obviously I wasn’t going to be the one doing the baking, merely the one in charge of quality control. Anyway, it didn’t quite happen that way…The movie turned out to be the classic “Harold and Maude” - not Christmassy at all but great stuff all the same, and the cookies couldn’t be baked because, as the explanation went,” there’s a rat’s nest under the oven”… “What?” I asked incredulously, seeing my planned feast of cookies go by the wayside. “Isn’t that taking the ‘dog ate my homework’ excuse to a whole other level?”…..”It’s not an excuse, Vulture, you crazy coot” the hostess replied. ”It’s true!”….The baking was not going to happen and it was true - a small wood rat nest was there and the oven was temporarily out of commission… As I sulked in the corner munching on chips and salsa instead, I couldn’t help but think that this particular explanation would have to go in the “Only in the Country” file…..
You know when the holidays are upon us when the number of kids in and around town during the day reaches ‘mob’ proportions. They are off school for three weeks – nice work if you can get it…Meanwhile, the Christmas decorations are being put up in downtown Boonville at many of the houses and businesses and the annual Chamber of Commerce award for the best exhibits will be a close call I’m sure. Unfortunately, the usual excellent display at The Buckhorn Saloon will not be seen this year with the potentially wonderful downtown bar remaining closed for business. I continue to hear rumors of it’s re-opening but I’ll only believe it when I am sitting on a barstool with me feet on a bar-rail and a pint of Poleeko Pale Ale alongside a plate of spicy wings in front of me… It’s too bad – I know many people miss Diana, Jo-Ann, and the Crew and the numerous festivities they were a part of at The B.S. at this time of year…Happy holidays to the “Gang” if I don’t see you around…and best wishes to all the competitors in this year’s competition…..
A Christmas tale of Valley life and country cunning…….
"Hello, is this the FBI?"


"Yes. What do you want?"


"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob Smith. He is hiding
 marijuana inside his firewood."


"Thank you very much for the call, sir."


The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house. They search the 
shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of
 wood, but find no marijuana.

 They swore at Billy Bob and left.


The phone rings at Billy Bob's house.

 "Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?"


"Yeah!"


"Did they chop your firewood?"


"Yep."


"Merry Christmas, Buddy"
Anyone out there who thinks people in the country are ‘simple folk’ should learn something from this…or they just might end up having to kiss a bear’s ass…..
Well, my brain doesn’t seem to be working too well this week so I’ll take my leave a little early…Enjoy your Christmas parties and try to stay out of the ditches on the way home…May your god go with you - but meanwhile, let us prey…Humbly yours, Turkey Vulture…

#48 - December 7th, 2005

Hello everybody!...How are you all?...Enjoying a good read of the A.V.A., I hope…Although some may beg to differ, more often than not I’m sure this highly regarded newspaper/esteemed organ is sufficient as a source for an insightful view of your world. Ground-breaking lead stories; Letters to the Editor; “Off the Record”; Valley People; Fred Gardner; Dave Zirin; Charmian; The Sheriff’s log; local school sports; political cartoons; Stella Day; James St. Clair; Alexander Cockburn; Valley Living; etc; etc - what more would you need?.....
Well, perhaps just a little more…With that in mind, I must extol the virtues of that splendid weekly periodical, The Economist. Those of you who already read this excellently written and refreshingly objective magazine will no doubt agree. Those unfamiliar should not be put off by the name if economics is not their thing – the economic sections are only a small part of the contents. For a well informed, weekly ‘check-in’ with the world at large in a wide variety of ways, this is the most enjoyable read and most reliable source I have found by far…What a wonderful surprise it would be if someone were to renew my subscription as a Christmas gift…..
Moving subtly on…I was fortunate to be flying around downtown Boonville one day last week when I bumped into a couple of the High school coaches who informed me that the first award ceremony of the school sports’ year was about to begin at the High School gym. I zoomed down to the school and was just in time to hear Coach ‘Flick’ MacDonald introduce the marvelously successful girls’ volleyball teams. Both J.V. and Varsity teams had done remarkably well with the latter finishing with a 34-2 record, a league title, and great progress in the play-offs until eventual defeat in the regional semi-final…Girls soccer was next and despite a poor season in terms of results, their efforts and team spirit never wavered – a tribute to the girls and their coaches. Coach Tom Smith, ably assisted by Coach Steve Sparks, then introduced the boys’ soccer teams, and again this was a story of a successful season. The J.V. were unbeaten and the Varsity won their league before, like the volleyball, they lost in the regional semi-final, finishing with a 24-3 record. Ricardo Martinez won the Jorge Solano award for league M.V.P. and received the huge trophy from Jorge himself…Finally it was Coach Jason Page, in the absence of a temporary disabled Coach Schrider, who did the honors with the football team. Despite numerous setbacks through the season the players’ will to win and determination to work for each other was never in doubt and great things are expected in the next year or two when the Varsity program will return…
The lunchtime event was brought to a vibrant close when, with the Redwood Classic basketball tournament due to start the next day, the school cheerleaders challenged each class in attendance to come up with new cheers – particularly one for the Panther’s opening game in the tournament, against the Tule Lake Honkers – yes, Honkers…Soon there was now too much shouting and screaming going on for my liking so I made for the exit. It had been a wonderful event and the school spirit and obvious support for each of the sports from all quarters never ceases to impress me. Nevertheless, after all that excitement and youthful enthusiasm I was in need of a nap….
Wednesday night witnessed the arrival of the first real storms of the season and so on Thursday morning, faced with strong headwinds and heavy rains, I bravely headed for the coast – hey, I didn’t get where I am today (“and where might that be?” – Editor) by sitting around at The Nest and eating and drinking myself into a stupor - as some might think…Well, it was a tough flight with some tricky moments on the cliff edges as I approached Elk/Greenwood (which is it?) but overall it a rewarding experience. Particularly pleasant on the eye was the drive along Highway 128 through the mighty redwoods with the different shades of fresh, wet green leaves contrasting vibrantly with the bright ‘burnt’ orange of the fallen foliage…..
It had been an invigorating afternoon and on my return I was ready for a ‘good drink’. As I approached The Nest I was very pleasantly surprised to be met by the smiling face of an old friend, The Orlando Buzzard, visiting from Florida with his new girlfriend. They were just stopping by on the off chance that I was around. I hadn’t seen him for about twelve years but that was nothing compared to their relationship - they were on their third date, the previous two being in 1981! At that time fate had stepped in and, through no choice of their own, they had gone their separate ways and had not spoken since. She was an intelligent, attractive, funny Falcon and the two of them were getting on like a house on fire – it was as if they had been together for years and certainly something to behold…Wine flowed, Libby’s fine Mexican cuisine was devoured, and a wonderful evening of reminiscing and laughter ensued. They stayed for a further day and their growing love for one another was obvious. With all the hate and suffering in the world today, it was most refreshing to witness the obviously joyful reconnection these two were making and their utter delight at discovering that they had re-discovered their soul mates…Their visit revitalized my own flagging faith in human nature - may their gods continue to bless them…..
Back to business….I bumped into highly respected local raconteur and stuntman, David Not-Beglingerer, last Friday. Having thanked him for his kind words in last week’s ‘Letters to the Editor’ section, I apologized for my error in miss-spelling his name. I can confirm that it is not ‘Bog-lingerer’ – that is merely his vocation…With a pint of beer in his hand, he soberly slurred, “I do not go to the A.V. Brewery Tasting Room to get insulted”…To which I inquired, “Well, where do you normally go?”…He didn’t reply…..
Whine of the Week - I have often sung the praises of Moya’s Mexican food in downtown Boonville so I am qualified, and I believe justified, in registering a small complaint. When ordering extra’s such as sour cream or cheese, why is this simple request forgotten more often than not? I am not alone with this complaint…I recently asked if the extra sour cream had been added and received the curt reply “of course it has”. Naturally I was ‘gun-shy’ the next time I ordered so I didn’t check. Sure enough, when I returned to The Nest to devour my feast of super chicken burrito (the size of a small human baby I should add), there was no sour cream – I was not a happy Vulture. Now what do I do next time? Should I ask if the extras are there and risk their disdain or just hope they have got it right and have some sour cream at home in case they haven’t?. Your advice, please, to turkeyvulture1@earthlink.net…..
Wine of the Week – The other day Hummingbird created a delicious burger meat pie with a crusty pastry top and served it with her ‘famous’ roast potatoes in onion gravy. I have to say that the meal, albeit very good, was made extra special when paired with a glass or two of 2002 Petit Verdot from Yorkville Cellars. The grapes are organically grown and the wine would pair well with lamb, pork, and, although it kills me to say it, turkey too…The winery is on Hulbert Ranch Road, just off Highway 128 at the 40.42 mile marker, opposite the Yorkville Post Office and I look forward to my next tasting of a number of their excellent reds…..
Although I ‘d rather pluck the eyes out of a dead sheep’s skull, I do occasionally enjoy ripping into the tasty insides of a crab. Yes, folks, it’s that time of year and Lemons’ Market in Philo is doing their usual top class job of offering the freshest available. As fate would have it, I have one prepared in front of me as I write. So, before I do some damage to the keyboard with my drooling, if it’s o.k. with you, I will just say “Let us prey” and get on with my dinner…Humbly yours, Turkey Vulture…..