# 143 - December 31st, 2008

Greetings one and all…Are you sitting comfortably - then I shall begin…Hopefully you’re enjoying the spirit of the Holidays and may I wish you and yours the very best of health and happiness for 2009...Meanwhile, since you did so well with last week’s Holiday Quiz, how about one more before we begin 2009? Here we go with five more seasonal posers...Answers at the end of the column...
1. To within ten years when was “A Christmas Carol” by Charles Dickens published?
2. Although it first took place on New Year’s Day 1902, it did not become an annual event until 1916. To what am I referring?
3. Who or what is the link between actor George Clooney and the classis Christmas movie, “White Christmas”?
4. On what day do Eastern Orthodox Christians celebrate the birth of Jesus?
5. Who was President twenty years ago - on New Year’s Day 1989?
I read with interest the brief mention in last week’s Valley People of the A.V. Brewery Christmas Party thrown for his employees by owner ‘King’ Ken Allen. I feel as if I’ve perhaps ragged on Ken too much in the past, although it has always been justified of course. Nevertheless, he does keep sinking to new depths of avaricious behavior and now it would appear that the Valley’s own Anti-Santa has done it once again...A Pot Luck for god’s sake??? Good grief, man, get it catered. You and the business are worth millions and yet you expect your staff to contribute to this event? My investigative reporter on this story, The Poleeko Crow, reports that in some cases these contributions were not even covered by the miserable bonuses received and that at least one of these ‘gifts’ was returned by a disgruntled and insulted employee...Ken just doesn’t get it – well, I guess he does if making money is his sole aim. It’s too bad – I have been privy to a decent side of the man on occasions. However, until he begins to put the same value on his people and their sensitivities as he attaches to the value of money then he will no doubt continue to be regarded by many in these parts as EbKenezer Allen...Of course, none of this is really any of my business and all of it is only in my humble opinion – but I just felt like sharing...
But maybe, just possibly, Ken could still change his miserly ways and perhaps reverse the way many people think of him...With this in mind, for the Quote of the Week how about a few wise words taken from “A Christmas Carol” by Charles Dickens. Actually, a few from the mouth of the original Scrooge himself when near to the end of the book he says, “I will start anew; I will make amends and I will make quite certain that the story ends on a note of hope!”...How about it, Ken?
Moving on...I am not usually one of those Turkey Vultures who lavishes praise everywhere he or she goes, but in the past couple of weeks I have enjoyed the company of so many Valley folk at various holiday parties and gatherings that I feel I must give several very big “claws up” to our community, and in particular to the stimulating level of its conversation and, even more importantly, the quality of its food and drink! Delicious cheeses, homemade biscotti and breads; succulent hams, turkeys, hot chicken wings, and rib roasts; unique and zesty guacamole and bean dips, potato salads, garlic mashed potatoes, bacon wrapped asparagus, etc., etc., etc. Not to mention the wonderful local wines, and homemade beers and even grappa (thanks, Rob – wow!)...It has been a veritable Mother-of-all Feasts and Binges. We Turkey Vultures love to eat, drink, and make merry, and many thanks go out to all of you responsible for my general well-being and enjoyment of these important tasks at this time of year...
Talking of Turkey Vultures and our habits, it’s about time once again to share with you a little “interesting and informative” (well I like to think it is) ‘Jive Turkey’…Here we go…Did you know that along with all the goodies mentioned above we also like our ‘veggies’. Yes, folks, a recent study of almost 400 of our pellets collected in the Castro Valley and Livermore areas in California showed that plant material was the single most common ingredient of the Turkey Vulture's diet. The material consisted primarily of grass and leaves. Animal food items in the pellets included: shrew, mole, squirrel, gopher, mouse, rat, rabbit, bird, reptile, insect, muskrat, opossum, raccoon, skunk, badger, sheep, and coyote. If not consumed and sterilized by the TV's, these carcasses would have rotted on the ground and could have spread disease. We truly are nature’s garbage collectors and proud of it - as I’ve said many times before, “trust me on this - you can thank me later.”
Perhaps I should go now – I’ll get my coat shall I?...Be careful out there; think good thoughts; may your god go with you; and may 2009 be good to you and yours…Oh, and of course, one final request, “Let us prey”…Humbly yours, Turkey Vulture…
You can contact me with words of support/abuse by e-mail at turkeyvulture1 @ earthlink.net…
Hi, Silver Swan and Ducklips - have a wonderful 2009!
Quiz answers...
1. 1843.
2. The Rose Bowl college football game.
3. Rosemary Clooney – George’s aunt and one of the stars of the 1954 film.
4. They celebrate his birth and baptism on January 6th.
5. Ronald Reagan – just a few weeks before George Bush Sr. took office...

# 142 - December 24th, 2008

Greetings one and all…Are you sitting comfortably - then I shall begin…Hopefully you’re enjoying the spirit of the Holidays and may Hummingbird and I wish you and yours the very best of health and happiness at this time of year and for 2009...Meanwhile, since you did so well with last week’s Holiday Quiz, how about another?...Here we go with five seasonal posers...Answers at the end of the column...
1. What headgear did boys receive for Christmas in the mid-fifties?
2. What ‘Saturday Evening Post’ artist was known for his whimsical pictures of Santa Claus?
3. In the song ‘Grandma got run over by a Reindeer’ what did Grandma go to get?
4. What was the angel’s name in the great Christmas movie, ‘It’s a Wonderful Life’?
5. What is the famous Christmas story written by O. Henry?
I feel I must echo the sentiments of the Anderson Valley Chamber of Commerce when I ask all you Valley-folk to shop, eat, and drink locally this holiday season. Support your local businesses; they need your support if they are to survive both the slowest time of the year and the current woeful economic climate. I am of the opinion that these businesses are beneficial to the Valley and we need them to be successful or we run the risk of losing them completely. Then we’d be faced with dealing with that loss - just like my Mum predicts I will feel when she says, “you’ll miss me when I’m gone”...
On that note, my top investigative reporter, Balding Eagle, has already gone. He’s embedded at The Onion Magazine and sends this report from the exotic resort of the Cayman Islands in the Caribbean – ‘Amid the bleak backdrop of imminent economic collapse, worried observers got some good news when executives from the nation's top ten failing companies celebrated the historic $700 billion government bailout with an ultra- extravagant $800 billion party aimed at restoring confidence and bolstering their resolve...Three thousand guests were reportedly flown on 750 separate private jets to the Caribbean, where they commemorated the last-minute financial aid package—which saved their companies from the sub-prime mortgage crisis that has left thousands of Americans without homes—with 4-tons of Beluga caviar, $250,000 bottles of vintage Dom Pérignon served over precious gems, a 36-hour fireworks display, an additional loan of $200 billion to cover the costs of the gala, and a private concert for each attendee with rock legend Rod Stewart..."I'm glad we were all humble enough to recognize that we couldn't do this on our own," said AIG CEO Edward Liddy, sitting in a hot tub filled with Cristal champagne and seven-dozen endangered-quail eggs. "Having come so close to disaster, it is crucial that I eat these 24-karat-gold-leaf-wrapped chocolate truffles to boost stockholder morale and show all the critics and naysayers that we are carrying on just as we always have."...
And speaking of parties and drinking, please be careful over the holidays. Get your designated driver organized and stay off the ‘Train Wrecks’ (Tequila and Whisky) – that’s just silly! Which segues perfectly into the Quote of the Week, this one from Miguel De Cervantes, author of ‘Don Quixote’ and Spain’s greatest literary figure, “Drink moderately, for drunkenness neither keeps a secret, nor observes a promise”...Wise words of advice but I may have some difficulty in following them – oh, well...
Finally this week, many readers of the Valley People section in this esteemed organ will be aware of our Mighty Leader Bruce Anderson’s keen eye for the ‘look-alikes’ that frequently appear therein. I have one to add. I believe that a fine example of a close resemblance would be that between Bruce himself and country singer Kenny Rogers – a silver-haired, still vastly talented entertainer to some; a grey-bearded, out-of-touch, grizzly old buzzard to others. Take your pick. Or perhaps Bruce and Santa Claus may be more to your liking? Now there’s something to ponder as you go to bed on Christmas Eve...
Perhaps I should go now – I’ll get my coat shall I?...Be careful out there; think good thoughts; and may your god go with you…Oh, and of course, one final request, “Let us prey”…Humbly yours, Turkey Vulture…
You can contact me with words of support/abuse either by e-mail at turkeyvulture1 @ earthlink.net…
Quiz answers...
1. Coonskin Hats 2. Norman Rockwell
3. Her medications – she’d have been better off without them!
4. Clarence Odbody 5. The Gift of the Magi

# 141 - December 17th, 2008

Greetings one and all…Are you sitting comfortably - then I shall begin…Finally we’re getting some rain! “We need it,” as everyone will tell you, although I’m sure the accompanying cold weather is not nearly as welcome. Don’t panic - I can help by warming up your brain with a Holiday Quiz? Answers at the end of the column...
1. Who starred as George and Mary Bailey in the Christmas film classic, “It’s a Wonderful Life”? What about the curmudgeonly Mr. Potter character?
2. How many of Santa’s Reindeer can you name – there are eight, or even nine...
3. Who wrote the song “White Christmas”?
Public Service announcement #224: Having previously forewarned pet owners of this possibility, I can now confirm that there will not be a visit to the Valley by the Vets from Mendocino Annual Hospital this month. It looks like you’ll have to combine a visit to the vets with Christmas shopping at Wall-Mart on the same day – sounds like a plan, eh?...And #225: There will be no Barn Sale until March, 2009. The ‘Gang’ at the Catholic Church who put so much work in on this every month are taking a much deserved rest and instead will be concentrating on the planning and presentation of the annual Crab Feed on Feb 7th, 2009 - the most social community event of the year bar none, in my humble yet informed opinion...
Whine of the Week – I have always had difficulty in understanding people who get puppies at Christmas on what is, all too often, just a whim. Many have no idea what they are getting into, resulting in an often sad and stressful situation for all. Pups are not another commodity, like a new iPod or bicycle, which can be discarded/ignored when the next fad that takes your fancy comes along. I believe we are their guardians, and as such should try to be their best friends – they will certainly be ours if treated correctly and with love. Little children cannot raise puppies and parents will end up doing virtually everything and therefore must be prepared to do so when taking on the new family member. Therefore, may I humbly suggest that if you are thinking about getting a puppy for Christmas, unless you intend to be its lifelong guardian, then please think carefully before doing so. It is a big commitment and I strongly suggest you think what this will mean to you and your family and how it will affect your lifestyle. What about the numerous little “messes” during house training? Do you know how to teach/discipline the dog? Will you have the space? What about the time, every day, to exercise your dog? Are you able to get dog-sitters for those weekends away, the vacations, the all-day potluck at which dogs are not welcome? Perhaps most important of all, if you do get a pup/dog, make sure you follow through after collecting it from the breeder/kennel and ensure that it gets all of its shots – I personally know of two local people, lovely folks but obviously not tuned in to their new responsibilities, who failed to do so and in both cases the pups went down with the Parvo virus, a potentially fatal disease. Both pups survived but only after some very expensive veterinary treatment...Enough already - I love dogs and I’m merely trying to help...Oh, and whilst we at it, do get the dog some tags – available inexpensively at www.TagXpress.com...
“What a preaching whiner!” you may be thinking. Well, you may be right to some extent but to me this stuff is a pet peeve – no pun intended...Onward to another item close to my heart - The Wine of the Week...For the second time in the recent past it’s a port - always a treat with some sort of chocolate-based dessert at this time of year. Last weekend I spent an evening at the venue in the Valley known as Cheesecake. Following a dinner featuring some of the most succulent roast chicken I have had in years, I sipped some of the 2002 Esterlina Port as I enjoyed a large slice of delicious chocolate pumpkin cake. Wow! I have to highly recommend this Valley port for anyone of you who enjoys a truly orgasmic experience. Trust me on this; you can thank me later...
Finally this week I must give a brief report on, and expression of gratitude for, my experience at the Independent Career Women’s Holiday Party – to which ‘outsiders with connections’ were invited. Well, I say ‘invited’, but when I arrived at 6.40 (fashionably late for a 6.30 event), everyone was already there. It had begun at 6pm – surely I wasn’t told the incorrect time intentionally?...But I digress...Anyway, I proceeded to have a wonderful time and, despite missing most of the hot food apart from the last few juicy chicken wings and some very tasty samosas, I more than made up for it by devouring vast amounts of fine cheeses and several of Ginger’s superb chocolate mousses. As always with members of the I.C.W., the conversations were stimulating and the membership very elegant in their Holiday best, not to mention that the ‘outsiders with connections’ had “cleaned up” very nicely...Oh, and for those wondering - yes, by the time most people had left (around 8.45pm), I was welcomed to stay and finish the wine with instructions on how to close up and turn off the lights from the staff - yer gotta like that! I finally departed at 10.30pm as Darlington Duck and Healdsburg Hen staggered along just ahead of me, with Hummingbird as our designated driver, of course...
Now I think it’s time to get my coat, don’t you?...Those wishing to get into the Christmas spirit should perhaps think about the Carols Sing-a-long with Lynn Archambault this coming weekend (Dec 20th) at Lauren’s in Boonville – I’ll be the one at the back with the voice like a drowning cat...Meanwhile, be careful out there; continue to avoid the shopping mall “death-crushes”; think good thoughts; and may your god go with you…Oh, and of course, one final request, “Let us prey”…Humbly yours, Turkey Vulture…
You can contact me with words of support/abuse by e-mail at turkeyvulture1 @ earthlink.net…
Quiz answers...
1. James Stewart and Donna Reid were the Baileys and Lionel Barrymore player Mr. Potter...Do you cry every time you se it? - like me!
2. Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen, and in later years Rudolph, Donner’s son, was added.
3. The classic song was written by Irving Berlin.

# 140 - December 10th, 2008

Greetings one and all…Are you sitting comfortably - then I shall begin…And what better place to start than with the good old Valley Quiz. Answers at the end of the column...
1. What was recently achieved by the three fall sports’ programs at the High School?
2. What is the local frequency of our public radio station, KZYX & Z, situated in Philo?
3. Need a notary? We have at least three in the Valley that I am aware of. Who are they?
It has come to my attention that the streets of downtown Boonville and beyond always seem to be very clean and litter free – San Francisco it is not! “Who is responsible for this?” I have often wondered...Well, following a little investigative journalism (?) and some undercover observations (?), it can be revealed that for some years now, local ‘Boonvillianette’, Ducklips a.k.a. Arlene Guest, is the do-gooder. Unfortunately, not everyone respects her efforts. A certain pompous ass was recently overheard to say that Ducklips’ efforts were demeaning! What an idiot! Don’t worry, I know who this person is and where they live. They will be “spoken to” and if any such outburst is repeated they will be dealt with in the time-worn Boonville manner – strung up from the Hanging Tree on A.V Way before being fed to the pigs on Ornbaun Road...But I digress...Meanwhile, Arlene’s community work should be applauded by us all and I’m sure she would not be averse to a “thank you” now and again - or even a nice glass of wine...
With Christmas just over two weeks away - yes, two weeks! - the usual displays of decorations and lights are beginning to appear around the Valley. Some are very impressive – tastefully done, pleasant on the eye, and color-coordinated; some are not, and I think that if someone’s lights are so ‘over the top’ that they can possibly be seen from outer space then they should be prepared to buy a glass of Christmas cheer for those living nearby...but perhaps that’s only the opinion of a curmudgeon at Christmas time...
With “Crazy Time” about to take over many people’s lives perhaps a few words from one of the greatest of all Americans would be appropriate as an early December Quote of the Week for the Holidays...It was Benjamin Franklin who said, “How many observe Christ’s birthday! How few, his precepts! O, ‘tis easier to keep holidays than commandments”...Wise yet miserable wasn’t he?
This coming Sunday (December 14th) sees the Independent Career Women’s Christmas Party – one of the most sought after tickets of the season, for men anyway...I hope to be there, representing my gender and species, and, as is my custom over the years at such premium Valley events as The Crab Feed, The Variety Show, and the St. Patrick’s Day Dinner, I shall endeavor to be the last to leave. I think I’ll have a good chance of keeping up my record, unless of course I am asked to leave early following some kind of unfortunate misunderstanding...
Sign that the Apocalypse is Approaching #51 – Another fine piece of Valley history will soon be gone from our landscape when the Old Ranch House on Horse Haven Ranch is demolished, along with the other old buildings alongside. For those not sure, it is the faded pink-ish building on the east side of Hwy.128 at mile marker 15, halfway between Floodgate and Navarro. Obviously somebody has their reasons but it’s too bad – they go way back and can no doubt tell a tale or two...Surely you don’t think vines will be replacing them?!?...
Local Business News...Following the information shared in the Valley People section last week, I should add that according to their sign in the window, the operating hours of ‘Zub Zub’, the downtown Boonville Ice Cream/Coffee Shop, will follow “Boonville Time” (i.e. somewhat approximate)...And furthermore, you will be able to slurp/sip your ice cream/coffee just behind Zub Zub when buying your yarn/wool, etc, etc at “The Knitted Brow”, soon-to-be-opened under the talented auspices of Angela DeWitt. I should add that I’ve heard from ‘those-in-the-know’ that spinning/sewing/knitting etc. is the new rock ‘n’ roll!!! So, please support your local small businesses – they’ll really appreciate it and apparently you’ll be ‘cool’ for doing so!
Finally this week, I would like to pass on the very best wishes of many (myself and Hummingbird absolutely included) to Clay and Natalie Matson and baby Spike, who are leaving the Valley and moving to be near Natalie’s family in northeast Washington State where they will be able to help the grandparents in raising Natalie’s nieces and nephews. They have been popular regulars on the Boonville “scene” for several years and Natalie owned Boonville’s One Horse Espresso coffee stand whilst Clay worked at various Valley horse ranches and with the Brewery’s shire horses. Although they are moving close to the Canadian border, they hope to make the eighteen-hour journey to visit old friends a few times a year. They will be missed...p.s. Don’t forget your thermal underwear!
Be careful out there; stay out of the shopping mall death-crushes; think good thoughts; and may your god go with you…Oh, and of course, one final request, “Let us prey”…Humbly yours, Turkey Vulture…
You can contact me with words of support/abuse by e-mail at
turkeyvulture1 @ earthlink.net…
Quiz answers...
1. The Football, Boys’ Soccer, and Girls’ Volleyball programs all reached their respective play-offs; the girls going all the way to the Championship game...
2. They are at 90.7 FM...
3. I f you need a notary in the Valley call Bridget Reilly at 895-9260, Lee Montana at 895-2150, or Jimmy Humble at 895-3762...

# 139 - December 3rd, 2008

Greetings one and all…Are you sitting comfortably - then I shall begin…Well I imagine you’ve ‘recovered’ from your Thanksgiving Day experience and now, as we move full-steam ahead into the holiday season, I have to warn you to be careful out there. Having said that, I feel certain that the good readers of the A.V.A. will not indulge in the kind of shopping frenzy that engulfed some of the Day-after-Thanksgiving customers at a Wall-Mart in New York State who stormed into the store crushing an employee to death in the process. Unbelievable but true...
Meanwhile, as a result of my own excesses over the holiday weekend, the column will have to be brief this week – please accept my apologies...To justify my actions I must refer you to the words of English novelist and all-round know-it-all, W. Somerset Maugham, who wisely observed, “Excess on occasion is exhilarating. It prevents moderation from acquiring the deadening effect of habit” – just what I was thinking...
I’m history...Be careful out there; stay out of the shopping crushes; think good thoughts; and may your god go with you…Oh, and of course, one final request, “Let us prey”…Humbly yours, Turkey Vulture…
p.s. Just time to re-remind those who think badly of us that a fellow by the name of Charles Darwin said about Turkey Vultures, “A disgusting bird whose bald scarlet head is formed to wallow in putridity” – Thanks for the compliment, Charlie – you’ll go far…
You can contact me with words of support/abuse by e-mail at
turkeyvulture1 @ earthlink.net…