# 99 - February 27th, 2008

Greetings one and all…Well it was a miserable weekend of weather in The Valley and beyond, with the torrential rain preventing me from attending the Barn Sale – a pardonable sin, but just barely. Nevertheless, as I basked in the warm afterglow of yet another successful eating performance at the Crab Feed to benefit the Senior Center, my spirits could not be dampened…
It was a very nice event, smaller in terms of numbers and less boisterous as a result of a shorter “social hour” than the Crab Feed of a few weeks ago, but the crab itself was arguably better and the crowd was once again drawn from all walks of life in The Valley resulting in a good time being had by all, I’m sure. Many thanks to Melissa, Eddie, Gina, Buffy, and the other organizers for once again putting on this excellent Valley event…Oh, and a special thanks to the High School J.V. Boys Basketball team who were the waiters on the night and efficiently took care of the special needs that certain Turkey Vultures have at any all-you-can-eat event…
Time to get into this week’s Quiz - answers at the end…
1. Which two businesses are at the junction of Hwy 128 and Farrer Lane in Boonville?
2. What happened to The Boonville Hotel in the late 1920’s?
3. From which vantage point did the first white people to visit these parts initially see Anderson Valley?
Quote of the Week – a classic one this week…”There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about” – the brilliant Oscar Wilde sums up the mindset of a couple of people I know in The Valley…Moving quickly on…
An interesting letter in my fan mail this week came from a long-time reader…”Dear Turkey, Your sign-off-refrain has been bothering me ever since you started writing your column in the AVA….Vultures do not ‘prey’. Prey is what birds of prey do - they catch live animals and kill and eat them. That is what prey means. As you must know, vultures are scavengers - they only eat things they find already dead…Please modify either your sign-off rejoinder or your persona. There is enough ignorance, misinformation and misuse of the language around without your contributing to it. Finally, please forgive this, my rant - it is only meant to help. I do not expect nor require a direct response, but I would appreciate if you would consider this advice…Respectfully, Mike Rosen, Healdsburg, CA…”
In response I would say that, as Mr. Rosen wisely points out, I am very aware that we Vultures are scavengers, although I personally prefer the moniker, "nature's garbage collectors". We do not kill, but I can assure him, and others who may be equally as “bothered”, that we most certainly do prey.
Any decent dictionary would tell you, and Mr. Rosen too if he had taken the time to look before beginning his “rant”, that the verb "to prey" has two distinct meanings. Firstly it means, "to hunt and kill for food" - something we really do not have the time nor inclination to do, and secondly it means, and this is where my use of the word is based, "to take advantage of". In our case this is precisely what we do. We search, with superb eyesight and the best sense of smell possessed by any bird, for situations to take advantage of, such as a squirrel in the road as an appetizer, a dead sheep in the pasture for a special feast, and even drunken tourists in Boonville to ridicule and rebuke…I hope this clears up any confusion…
Let me see, what else has been happening around here?...Well, certainly lots of sexual intercourse (!), as witnessed by the number of newborn babies and small toddlers everywhere you go these days in The Valley. It’s almost as if a bunch of parents got together about two years ago and decided to “make babies” over the ensuing months - “Happy Parenting” to them all. With their remarkable resemblance to Winston Churchill I am fascinated by a baby’s ‘look’ and a gurgling, chuckling little human is a lovely sound, although not quite as wonderful as the squawks of a newly hatched Turkey Vulture in desperate need of fresh carrion, I can assure you…
The Variety show is coming up on the weekend of March 7th and 8th – get your tickets soon, it will almost certainly sell out. Many people put in great efforts to make sure this annual event takes place and it always offers several excellent acts and numerous not-so-excellent ones, most of which are worth seeing anyway. That still leaves a few acts that support my decision, as an experienced Variety show attendee, to not rush to get a seat near the front, as some people would advise you to do. Far better to be near the back and then when, shall we say, a “less interesting” act comes on stage, you can avoid interrupting other’s enjoyment as you step outside for a beer and a chat with like-minded friends. Call me a “curmudgeonly bastard” if you like, but in my humble opinion such name-calling would be unfair. Nevertheless, I wouldn’t bother to argue with you other than to point out that I will be far from alone out there in the parking lot, or “Curmudgeon’s Corner”, as it is fondly called…
That’s all for now…Be careful out there, stay out of the ditches, think good thoughts, and may your god go with you…
Let us prey…Humbly yours, Turkey Vulture…
You can contact me with words of support/abuse by e-mail at
Quiz Answers…
1. The Highpockety Ox and The Zina Hyde Cunningham Winery tasting room…
2. The hotel, originally built in 1864, was moved back 25 feet to accommodate the new highway through the Valley…
3. From ‘Burger Rock’ on what is now the Johnson Ranch alongside the junction of Hwy 253 and Hwy 128 – a wondrous sight it must have been; “ like a garden of Eden” according to those first settlers, the Beeson brothers and William Anderson…

# 98 - February 20th, 2008

Greetings one and all…As any self-respecting Vulture likes to do, let’s discuss the weather. Despite the recent beautiful spell of sunshine we are not done with winter yet. That mid-February sunny spell is quite common but more rain is on the way and many a March and April can be quite wet. Come to think of it, I remember just a few years ago when it rained even as late as June 7th and 8th so don’t put your umbrellas away just yet…What am I thinking? - the only people I see in The Valley with umbrellas are the limo drivers escorting their customers to the tasting room entrances. The rest of us simply wear the right clothes…
The upcoming weekend in The Valley sees the second and final community Crab Feed of the season. This time the beneficiaries will be the Anderson Valley Senior Center – as good a cause as any, wouldn’t you say?...It takes place on Saturday (February 23rd) at The Fairgrounds in Boonville and will cost you $25. For further information call 895-3609…The always popular “Social Time” starts at 5.30pm with the Feast running from 6pm until 7.30pm…Last call will be shortly before whatever time they ask me to leave…
I paid a visit to one of my favorite Valley hangouts last Wednesday – The County Dump. Bill the Jolly Dump Guy wanted me to remind you that if you have bigger loads then try to go to The Dump in Ukiah. Not only does that help the situation in Boonville but it’s also $8 cheaper per yard so you’re still be ahead on the gas money if you have large loads such as refrigerators. washers, dryers, etc…I would also at this time like to remind you that the hours of operation at The Boonville Dump are 9am to 4pm on Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Saturdays, and Sundays…Oh, and one more thing, Bill would appreciate it if customers turned up with something other than large bills –remember one regular, thirty-three gallon trash bin is $3.25…
Many thanks to Stewart E. Bowen of Suisun Valley, CA for the cartoon he sent me depicting a couple of Turkey Vultures flying over a third Vulture who is struggling to take flight from beside a large carcass of bones with not a shred of meat remaining on them. “Ha, ha, ha, look at Bill”, they chuckle, “He ate so much he can’t take off!”…A flattering and very perceptive comment on my recent “performance” at The Crab Feed…Thanks, Stewart…
So Hummingbird was flittering, as she is prone to do, along Hwy 128 in The Valley the other day when she spotted a C.H.P. car sitting in wait for its prey just north of Philo. Seconds later she leaned out of her window and signaled to an oncoming yellow Toyota Land Cruiser, who was about to go round a corner and be confronted by the cop, to slow down. He was doing about 60mph she estimated. This polite gesture is a common occurrence amongst Valley folk – it is a friendly act, and quite sensible too. However, the driver in question, obviously a visitor to these parts, gave her the customary tourist salute - ‘the finger’! Hummingbird was quite unhappy. Minutes later, after collecting the mail and leaving town, she passed the C.H.P. car at the side of the road opposite The Farm Supply. The cop was giving out a ticket – to a man in a yellow Toyota Land Cruiser…Hummingbird was quite happy…
Finally this week, I have to share another letter in my fan mail - a very interesting and thought-provoking one from my #1 Fan – “Confused” of Comptche, California… Following my “insightful” political comments in last week’s column, with regards to those white women over thirty-five of whom the large majority are at this point firmly behind Hilary Clinton in the Democratic race for Nominee for President, “Confused” has written…“Dear Turkey Vulture…I had a epiphany about the majority of white women over thirty-five who are currently backing Hilary and how they should justify moving to Obama’s camp for the remaining primaries and thus give the Democrats a better chance of winning the General Election…As a long-time researcher into “adult” behavior I am quite well aware of many of the sexual fantasies harbored in the minds of the men and women of this country. Brett Kahr’s excellent “Who’s Been Sleeping in Your Head?: The Secret World of Sexual Fantasies” is highly recommended for anyone interested in joining me in my scientific studies here in the woods of Comptche…With this in mind, and putting political issues aside for now (just as the candidates so often have), let’s get personal…I have a proposal for the group of women in question who are wary of an inexperienced Obama and not sure whether they can turn their back on another woman as she strives to become the first female President. I suggest that they put their sisterhood aside for now and instead of voting for Hilary, embrace their “Sex with an African-American Male” fantasy that many of them have suppressed until now – just read the literature! This can be done quite simply by manifesting their sexual fantasy into a vote for Obama! Talk about killing two birds (no Vulture pun intended) with one stone! I feel confident that the women who take this step will feel a certain sense of ‘satisfaction’ and the Democrats will get a contender who can beat McCain and will lead the U.S., and in turn the World, to a brighter future…As you yourself might say, Vulture, ‘Please trust me on this; you’ll thank me later’…Regards, Confused of Comptche, CA”
Wow! Quite a mouthful, so to speak. This politically incorrect rant, which could be accused of having underlying themes of alternative eroticism, sexism, and racism, would seem to indicate that “Confused” has finally gone over the edge. Having said that, some people might think he has a good point...I couldn’t possibly comment…
I think I’ve said enough – I’ll get my coat shall I?…Sorry, no room for Whine/Wine of the Week; The Quiz; Jive Turkey, not even “Good thoughts, rampant rumors, and a few moans and groans from The 3-Dot Diner” – there’ll be plenty next time…
Be careful out there, stay out of the ditches, think good thoughts, and may your god go with you…But first, “Let us prey”…Humbly yours, Turkey Vulture…You can contact me with words of support/abuse by e-mail at turkeyvulture1@earthlink.net

# 97 - February 13th, 2008

Greetings one and all…I hope you’ve all recovered from “Super Duper Tuesday” and are now looking forward to a further nine months of political bickering. Having said that I know many people have found this year’s races more interesting than most and we now know for certain that history will be made no matter who gets the Democratic nomination…As for those many citizens who voted by mail and had chosen John Edwards before he withdrew – it would appear to be, “too bad!”. Our Supremo at The A.V.A., Sir Bruce Anderson, was one such person and his frustrations and annoyance expressed in last week’s issue at this ridiculous situation are understandable. Surely this system must be changed…Now he’ll go with Ralph Nader as he cannot vote for “Hilary The Unacceptable”. If too many people do this, or decide not to vote at all, the Republicans will win and Armageddon really will be upon us…
More Political Carrion…Meanwhile Senator John “I’m not dull and uninspiring” McCain certainly seems a shoe-in at this point for the G.O.P. and, if Mike “Praise the Lord” Huckabee becomes his running mate, the Republicans, despite their woeful performance over the past eight years, would have with a large percentage of their base-following represented and might actually have a good chance of winning in November. Sad but true!...“What about Condoleesa Rice as running mate for McCain?”, I hear you ask. Obviously she is an African American woman and, with her connection to the Bush White House, by putting her on the Republican ticket this would satisfy both the Bush followers and perhaps those independent voters who on election day decide to make a politically correct vote based on sex and race – many Democrats seem to be doing just that…Once again this is sad but true and would provide another possible tough ticket for Obama or Hilary to beat...
On the Democratic side, it could go either way. Hilary is slightly ahead as I write and she has two firewalls to protect her from Barack’s stirring efforts – Latinos and working-class whites (particularly women over-35), both of which tend to be suspicious of Mr. Obama’s high-flown rhetoric – he is straight from the Martin Luther King book of speech-making and can be very convincing; but is there any substance? The votes of these two groups went a long way to saving the teary-eyed Clinton candidacy in New Hampshire and Florida. There is a long history of racial tensions between Latinos and African Americans in big cities such as New York and Los Angeles etc and this partly explains why many Latinos are firmly in the Clinton camp and will not be Obama voters. Older (than thirty-five) white women in particular are also solidly pro-Clinton for numerous reasons, including the obvious, and on behalf of those who believe that Obama has the best chance of beating the Republican nominee, whoever that may be, I hope these groups become aware of the following polls…
When pollsters offer voters hypothetical match-ups, Mr. Obama does better than Mrs. Clinton against Mr. McCain. For example, a Cook Political Report poll of registered voters released this week found Mr. McCain beats Mrs. Clinton, 45 percent to 41 percent. But Mr. Obama beats Mr. McCain, 45 percent to 43 percent. The latest Washington Post/ABC News poll found similar results…Mr. Obama does surprisingly well among evangelical Christians, an important constituency in swing states. For example, Relevant magazine, which caters to young evangelicals, asked its readers: "Who would Jesus vote for?" Mr. Obama was the winner and came out 27 percentage points ahead of Mrs. Clinton…Given the chance, Obama might beat whoever is on the Republican ticket; Hilary might not…
Moving on…How about some good old “Jive Turkey”?... Were you aware that we T.V.s are 50,000 times more protected from Botulism (poisoning from extreme toxins in food) than humans – if you’d seen what I’ve eaten today you’d say this is just as well for my future survival!…
Not so much a “Quote of The Week” this time, but rather a t-shirt I spotted been worn by large bearded man in the heart of Boonville last weekend. On the front was printed “Jews for Jesus” and on the back, “Vegetarians for Pork Chops” – life can be so confusing at times…
My old sparring partner, Jay “Just to make a short story long” Williamson of Santa Rosa sent me gift last week. The suspicious looking package sat at The A.V.A. office for a number of days with Messrs. Anderson and Scaramella in a state of mild fear as they toiled away. I eventually picked it up and found it to be an inoffensive jigsaw puzzle of a ‘Vulture Collar’ – a form of a chest adornment that was worn by mummies in the tomb of King Tutankhamun. Very thoughtful, I'm sure, and at nine hundred and thirty eight virtually identical pieces it is probably something J.W. has never completed himself. I have little time to work on it at this point so perhaps I should return it to him. After all, based on his recent correspondence to the A.V.A., the general consensus around these parts is that Mr. Williamson clearly needs to exercise his mind a little more…Either that or increase his medications…Many thanks, J.W...…
Meanwhile, my No. 1 Fan, “Confused of Comptche, California” has decided to share some of his vast wealth of experiences with you all in the form of a number of “tips on life”…Here is this week’s little gem - “Hey, Vulch, perhaps some of your readers will be interested to know that if they wish to conduct a life of celibacy and emotional solitude, without joining a monastery, they can do so by simply living with my wife. It's more comfortable than a monastery and you'd be able to watch TV and use the Internet”…Anyone interested – she’s a lovely woman, I’m sure?…
I think I’ve said enough – I’ll get my coat shall I?…Be careful out there, stay out of the ditches, think good thoughts, and may your god go with you…But first, “Let us prey”…Humbly yours, Turkey Vulture…
You can contact me with words of support/abuse by e-mail at turkeyvulture1@earthlink.net

# 96 - February 6th, 2008

Greetings one and all…So wasn’t the Crab Feed a wonderful, and particularly local, occasion once again? Those in attendance came from all walks of Valley life and they undoubtedly had a good time as the crab seemed endless and the wine flowed freely. The most enjoyable social hour beforehand, the enthusiastically supported raffle, and the lengthy gathering of friends following the Feed were all testaments to the great sense of community in The Valley and together create the special fondness so many of us have for this event. Many thanks for all the effort put in by the organizers, particularly Gloria Ross, Eva and Bill Holcomb, and John Schultz, and a personal ‘thank you’ to the excellent wait staff who took particularly good care of me and my ‘special needs’…
Let’s straight in to the T. V. Quiz - answers at the end…
1. Which road joins Hwy 128 at the Mendocino mile marker 18?
2. Who is the A.V. High School basketball coach?...What about this past season’s football coach?
3. Who is the Director of The Anderson Valley Theatre Guild?
Quote of the Week…“Never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television”…Author Gore Vidal offered these wise words to live by and it’s very difficult to argue with him…
More Crab Feed…Carnivaal in Rio? – annoying men, beautiful women; Halloween in S.F.? – wild and crazy; New Year’s Eve in London? – boisterous and boozy; The Crab Feed in Boonville? – the best of the lot!...The crab was good, particularly if you dipped it in the melted butter thoughtfully provided by the professional “Feedsters” I sat with; the garlic bread and salad seemed even better this year; and Esterlina’s pinot noir is clearly amongst the best wines in The Valley…
The much-anticipated raffle, with M.C. John Schultz on the microphone, was a huge success apart from the fact that one table won nearly half of the prizes – the table where the Priest was sitting, I should point out. This became so obvious that at one point Hummingbird moved to that table to change her luck. The Priest welcomed her to his ‘flock’ but still her luck didn’t change whilst others at the table continued to win prizes. Perhaps he somehow knew that she hadn’t been to mass or confession since she was 18 – a very lapsed Catholic indeed…I am certainly not suggesting a fix was in for the raffle, I just thought you should know, and surely it has to be attributed to an act of God!…Finally, I am pleased to say that, following my early-ish departure last year, I returned to my usual form and was once again the last to leave when the hosts and staff finally, and deservedly, sat down to their own Crab Feed at about 10pm…
It was Super Bowl Sunday the next day and whilst I was very much looking forward to the game I had to agree with Sports’ Commentator, Dave Zirin, who had summed up the Super Bowl perfectly in his column earlier in the week…”One headline preceding the big game read ‘Phoenix Faces Super Bowl Parking Woe: Where to Put Gulfstreams?’…The Arizona host committee expects 800 to 1,000 private jets, or more, to use the airports before Sunday's game. That will be at least double the number when nearby Tempe was the site of the Super Bowl in 1996. Giants co-owner Steve Tisch spoke about the pugilistic plutocrats at the airport talking of how, when the game's over, a lot of people who've flown on private planes want to go home and everybody feels that they're entitled to be the first to take off, that's when it gets interesting. A lot of people are saying to their pilots to tell the tower, ‘Do you know who I've got on my plane?'…What a terrifically charming slice of life. Is now an appropriate time to tell Mr. Tisch that 21.2% of children in Arizona live below the poverty line? Or 40% of Native Americans? Can he hear me over the jets?...The thought of corporate execs swinging their egos to get their planes out of an airport hangar is a perfect snapshot for the excess that’s smothered the game. The Super Bowl has no soul”…I couldn’t agree more and unfortunately it seems to sum up “America in 2008” as much as anything….
As for Sunday’s broadcast by the “let’s appeal to the lowest common denominator” Fox Channel, finally at about 3.15pm a football game broke out and interrupted the previous offerings of unadulterated crap that had been served up to that point. The low point, of many low points, was surely the appearance of Paula Abdul, one of America’s least talented ‘celebrities’, who gave an awful performance of an awful song and, despite the irritating fawning of her #1 fan, the utterly inept Ryan Seacrest, hopefully no discerning adult could have thought otherwise about her pathetic display – this silly cow really should be put out to graze…
As for the game, I found it to be a thoroughly interesting tactical battle with the crucial confrontation arguably taking place between the offensive line of the Patriots and the Giants’ defensive line. The latter harassed and battered New England quarterback, Tom Brady, all afternoon and with his usual effectiveness largely nullified the New Yorkers were always in with a chance of victory, which they took with seconds remaining. The Giants won, I took home a few dollars, and “The Perfect Season” of the Patriots was in tatters, with a book of that same title shortly thereafter being withdrawn by the on-line bookstore, Amazon.com - greedy bastards that they are…
That’s enough for now…Be careful out there, stay out of the ditches, think good thoughts, and may your god go with you…But first, “Let us prey”…Humbly yours, Turkey Vulture…
You can contact me with words of support/abuse by e-mail at
Quiz Answers…
1. That would be Nash Mill Road – now you know…
2. Jim Boudoures is the school’s basketball guru whilst Pastor Bill Nobles led the Panthers in their most recent football campaign…
3. Rod Basehore is the man. The Guild’s next play will be coming your way at The Grange in June 2008…