#47 - November 30th, 2005

Well, Thanksgiving, 2005 has come and gone and what a wonderful day was had by yours truly and friends - I hope you did too…Delicious locally produced beers and fine Valley wines, freshly slaughtered lamb from the Yorkville Highlands, and an absolutely stunningly beautiful day, all combined to make it a Turkey Day to remember…
What a superb feast. The leg of lamb – with sautéed onions, white pepper, parsley, rosemary, and garlic cloves inserted into the flank – was served with mashed potatoes with bacon bits, chives, and a subtle amount of melted cheese; yams in garlic butter (yes, we like garlic up here at The Nest); steamed cauliflower, and superb, organic Brussels sprouts ($1.90 a pound from the always excellent Boontberry Store in downtown Boonville and arguably the best Brussels I’ve had for many a long day). All this topped with an onion gravy with a hint of pinot noir…Perhaps the success of the day’s eating extravaganza can be best expressed by the fact that it was still only 5.30pm when I removed my trousers. Fortunately, not only did this allow me to fully appreciate the afterglow of the meal but, as most people understood, it was also a sign of respect for the day as a whole, the food in particular, and for those with whom I spent it...And we’d not even begun to enjoy the chocolate-covered Squirrel-from-the-Forest gateau!...With the flowing wine and ‘civilized’ brandy later in the evening it certainly was a day of excess – just what Thanksgiving is all about, surely…Then in the middle of the night, as I vaguely recall, the rains came pouring down…..
Sure enough, the next morning saw The Nest enjoying the first rain showers for over two weeks. During a break in the weather, I went for a walk along the dirt roads and as I came around a corner I disturbed three turkey vultures feasting on the squished skunk that I had moved off to the side of the road the previous morning. It was Tom, Dick, and Harry – three locals who love to wine and dine.
What a smell!...Skunk in the road is rarely an agreeable thing to most but on this occasion it was at a higher level of unpleasantness than usual. The odor was so over-powering and nauseous that it was if my throat was burning. So, if you don’t already then perhaps you should take a moment to admire the turkey vulture. They have an extraordinary sense of smell and yet, with the largest olfactory (smelling) system in the bird-world, these magnificent creatures were devouring the most malodorous carrion imaginable. Yer gotta like that!...I left the scene quickly but could still smell it one and a half miles away! Just think, engulfed in that smell, one of my fine-feathered friends was no doubt saying, “This smells so great….Move over, Tom, I want to eat some more”…..
Changing gears somewhat…In light of our expose in last week’s “Bird’s Eye View” column which revealed President Bush’s call for the culling of all bald eagles in order to prevent the spread of bird-flu, Balding Eagle was whisked out of Washington D.C. at great expense to me personally and relocated to the edge of Europe from where he continues to perform cutting edge investigative journalism ….Here are his latest ‘words of wisdom’…
‘I am able to reveal that a report will soon be released by the Defense Intelligence Agency that suggests that there is reason to believe that the former Soviet republic of Nukehavistan may be manufacturing nuclear weapons.
The report cited several factors that aroused the DIA's suspicion, including the recent ratification of the Nukehavistan Nuclear Pro-Proliferation Treaty, the hawk clutching several nuclear weapons in the Nukehavistani government seal, and the July release of the commemorative "Great Nuclear Weapons Of Nukehavistan" stamp series.
While U.S. reconnaissance satellites have yielded no conclusive evidence of Nukehavistani nuclear capability or activity, suspicions remain. "High-resolution surveillance images obtained via satellite were marred by a green, glowing hue," says DIA Director, Vice Adm. Lowell Jacoby.
Nukehavistan has neither confirmed nor denied suspicions that they are manufacturing nuclear weapons. Their only response to the mounting investigation came in a vague statement issued late Tuesday from the nation’s capital, Silograd, by Sergei Annihilatovich, who serves as both Nukehavistan's president and its secretary of offensive atomic munitions manufacturing and deployment.
"If this unnecessary investigation by the United States continues, we will have no choice but to nuke them," he said…..’

Regular readers will no doubt be pleased to know that The Completely Bald Eagle has now left Nukehavistan and is recovering from his experiences at a secret venue not a million miles away…..
Not much to report on the Valley Social scene this week as I’ve been hiding out at The Nest most of the time. However, I did get out on Friday evening for an hour or so to enjoy a couple of beers at a very busy A.V. Brewery Tasting Room (The T.R.) and the obligatory, weekly mini burrito from Moya’s Taco stand. It had been a miserable day for weather so flying into town I was somewhat surprised at the number of cars streaming through the Valley - no doubt they were mostly heading for the coast for the holiday weekend and the improved weather which was forecast. They seemed to be traveling in ‘packs’ with numerous examples of a dozen or so vehicles following behind a huge R.V. dawdling along at 35 mph in the 55 mph speed limit outside town. Peering in at the drivers of these monstrosities, as they surveyed the road from their ivory towers, they seemed to have taken on a vacant look as they became increasingly more determined to hang on to their ‘lead’ at the head of the ‘pack’. It seems too bad that they cannot just pull aside, let others pass, and enjoy the drive…But, no – they are miserable and curmudgeonly as they clumsily maneuver their huge containers full of ‘stuff’. They give great credibility to Antoine de Saint-Expuirry’s observation that, “he who would travel happily must travel light”…”Pull over and cheer up” is all I could possibly add…..
Phrase of the Week : I doubt whether many of you are familiar with the term “to build a nest in someone’s ear”. A wise man by the name of Michael Cusack Sr. of County Mayo in Ireland came up with this phrase and added it to his long list of wise, useful, and offbeat phrases known as “Cusackisms” (published by ‘Something like an Egg’ Publications, 1980). It has a couple of interpretations but today I intend to use it in the sense of “to get something from someone by subtle persuasion and cunning”…Now to my point…I am looking to “build a nest in the ear” of a woman in the Valley….
Let me explain…The local group of women, ladies, and sprightly young girls (over 21), known as the Independent Career Women (I.C.W.), have torn down the barriers to their ‘secret’ gatherings and plan to invite men, gentlemen, and rambunctious young boys (over 21) to their Christmas Dinner Party on Friday, December 17th…However, I should point out that not just any male can show up for this exclusive event. Oh, good heavens, no – and rightly so, I say…To be able to attend this extravaganza, the males have to be invited by an I.C.W. member.
So, without further ado, I have to leave you and get out of here to begin my search for an I.C.W. member and then “build a nest in her ear” in order to secure a ticket. The event on the 17th will undoubtedly be an evening of good food, fine wine, and stimulating female company – three of my favorite things - so I will be doing everything in my power to get my claws on one of the ‘hottest’ tickets of the holiday period…Later dudes and dudettes, I’m outta here….
”Let us prey”…Humbly yours, Turkey Vulture…

#46 - November 23rd, 2005

It was a sad beginning to the day up here at The Nest last Wednesday when, as I stood on the deck sipping my first cup of coffee of the day, I peered out towards the sheep pastures and noticed that the Old Ram was laying motionless in the corner of the field as the rest of the flock observed from two hundred feet away. I knew he was dead. As sheep are prone to do when preparing to enter the great sheep pasture in the sky, over the previous week he had been keeping himself to himself, drifting off to be alone away from the flock, and not rushing over with the others to greet me as I entered the pasture with delicious alfalfa hay and/or pellets …..
I walked over to him and sure enough he was gone. It was no surprise, but what did take me back was the sight of blood seeping from the sockets where his eyes had been. Some local Turkey Vultures, no relatives of mine I hasten to add, had clearly been ‘on the job’, and, whilst I couldn’t see any at that moment, I was in no doubt that they had been here just moments earlier. As they were devouring their early-bird breakfast special I must have disturbed them when I’d walked on to the deck with my coffee. They had also made attempts to open up his stomach but had only succeeded in tearing away some wool and had not yet ripped open the fleshy underbelly. I dragged the old boy out of the pasture and left him in the far corner of the field. I knew that in a day or two the Vultures would complete the job…”Happy grazing and wandering, Old Fella, I’ll miss admiring your huge, bull-like head and massive testicles and I know a number of Ewes who will miss you and your special romancing”…..
That’s enough of that kind of talk, let’s move on…Imagine my surprise when I turned to Page 7 in last week’s A.V.A. and, under the headline “Bird’s Eye View by Turkey Vulture”, I proceeded to read a very interesting and well-written article about some quite extreme anti-social behavior and it’s effect on someone searching for justice. “Why was I surprised?”, I hear you ask. Well - it was not written by me…The ‘real’ “Bird’s Eye View” appeared on page 9 and contained the usual fascinating observations, insightful commentary, and fluent gibberish to which you have become accustomed. I do not know how this happened but may I suggest that either Our Mighty Leader here at The A.V.A. has been working too hard of late or perhaps it was a simple case of him forgetting to take his medications which led to this slight oversight…As a good friend of mine used to say when I had similar lapses, “Keep taking the tablets, T.V.”…..
Ducking and diving, let’s continue to move swiftly on…As experts issue increasingly dire warnings of an avian flu epidemic, my hard-working Washington Bureau Chief, The Balding Eagle, reports on some very disturbing developments – particularly worrying for our brave correspondent himself, I should add…Here is the transcript of the recent fax he sent to my office…
‘Dear Mr. Vulture, I fear for my life. The President signed an executive order on Tuesday authorizing the mass slaughter of “all bald eagles found anywhere within our borders.”
I couldn’t believe my ears… “As president, my first duty is to protect the American people, whether the threat is terrorists or deadly, fast-mutating bird viruses," said Bush, standing on the lawn of the National Mall before a specially built pyre stacked with recently killed bald eagles. "This proactive initiative will rid our nation of this potentially disease-ridden winged animal. I want these birds rounded up, tied down, and their throats slit."
According U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service Director "Whooping" Dale Hall, the killing strategies are many and varied. "Bald eagles may not be as imposing as, say, bears or wolves, but they are surprisingly difficult to kill," Hall said. "We can blow them off their perches with air rifles, stun them with ball-peen hammers, or break their wings, beaks, and necks, but still, some survive." Hall urged Boy Scout troops to join in the effort by ferreting out eagle nests and smashing the eggs underfoot.
The Office Of The White House Counsel, which oversees the usage of all executive-branch insignias, is expected to approve a new eagle-free presidential seal as early as next week…
You gotta get me outta here, Turkey Vulture. I am really scared right now. I’m not sure that I’ll survive this madman’s rule of terror!!!’
Leave it to me, Balding Eagle…Rest assured that I am looking into this terrible state of affairs. Our people will talk to their people and I’m sure we’ll be able to get you out in time for the holidays….
Talking of Our President, I could not help but overhear the angry words of local raconteur and stuntman, David Boglingerer, last Friday at The T.R. (A.V. Brewery Tasting Room) in Boonville. He was clearly most upset with the “leadership”, or lack of it, shown by Gee Dubya and the whole mess the country was embroiled in as a result in Iraq. Addressing his eager, yet inebriated disciples out in the Beer Garden under the stars, Mr. B spluttered, “Bush couldn’t even lead a hunt for wild dogs in downtown Baghdad...and I don’t care who hears me say this and that includes Turkey Vulture!”…Well I did hear and I couldn’t agree more. Nice one, David…..
A weird and wacky chain of events was certainly exposed in the “I caught the lions” article by Tony Pardini (as told to Editor David Severn) that appeared in this esteemed organ on the front page of the November 9th issue. I have obviously been ‘on the case’ myself, along with my crack team of roving reporters, and I have to say in conclusion that the Hollywood movers and shakers will be chomping at the bit for the screenplay of this illuminating and poignant tale of Nor Cal country life. It had everything - lion cubs in Philo; drug busts in Fort Bragg; guns and marijuana; Government agencies from the California Department of Fish and Game to the Mendocino County Major Crimes Task Force and the article’s implication of their collusion in making drug busts; lies, untruths, and facts; humor and frivolity alongside serious issues; and ultimately, numerous unanswered questions. A damn good read I must say...May be I’m a little twisted but I’d rather kiss a bear’s ass than entertain thoughts of leaving this place…..
On a more heart-warming note, may I wish everyone a most enjoyable Thanksgiving. It’s my favorite holiday by far – eating and drinking to excess with friends with no gifts to give out seems like the perfect day to me. It’s a wonderful American tradition and so much better than many of the others – snotty-nosed children being allowed to behave like adults or fathers chasing kids around with power tools are a couple which immediately come to mind…
Anyway, I hope I your holiday allows you to enjoy the company of others and to take the time to appreciate family and friends. May you devour and savor the beef, pork, lamb, chicken, fish, rabbit, squirrel, old sheep, young deer, basic carrion, veggies, or whatever it is you have for the ‘big meal’. (Some wisenheimer was telling me how traditionally it’s Turkeys that are slaughtered in their millions at this time of year – yeah, right, as if)….
Now my work is done here for the week...I’ll leave you with a few of my favorite farewell salutations... Be careful out there…Stay out of the ditches…May your god go with you…And, of course, let us prey…Humbly yours, Turkey Vulture…..

#45 - November 16th, 2005

A couple of weeks ago I enjoyed a weird and wonderful time for "All Hallows Eve", a.k.a. the Eve of All Saints Day, or perhaps "Halloween" to some, as I flew in and around Boonville for the festivities… My first strange experience of the evening came in the downtown area when I was suddenly faced with some very strange yet vaguely familiar folks - Angry Villagers! This pitchfork-carrying, torch-burning, disgruntled mob was in turn confronted by a congregation of what were clearly Zombies. Upon seeing the approaching 'Walking Dead', the Angry Villagers seemed to forget about harassing a Turkey Vulture with a confrontational attitude and deep thirst and turned instead to deal with the even bigger issue of Zombies on the prowl…
Apparently this is an annual skirmish and innocent bystanders like myself are advised to stay well clear of the showdown between these two disenfranchised 'tribes' as they sort out their differences. I actually felt some kind of affiliation with the Angry Villagers and will perhaps look into joining their group at some point in the future but on this occasion I heeded the advice and zoomed down to the A.V. Brewery Tasting Room for a calming pint of ale - for medicinal purposes of course…..
The usual suspects were in attendance, beers were flowing, and Chef Capizzalo was 'doing his stuff' in the kitchen - and what good 'stuff' he had! As half time in the Steelers/Ravens game approached, my comrades and I were presented with 'The Full Package' - a six cheese / double salami feast which had the eyes bulging and the mouths drooling. It was Chef Cappy's best yet and, accompanied with a pint of Poleeko Gold Pale Ale, it was a dining experience that those present would doubtless have fought for no matter how many hungry Angry Villagers and Zombies might show up… Luckily it didn't come to that as the Sheriff, who dropped by to ensure we were behaving ourselves, informed us that the all was now calm in town. The two factions had been separated and dispersed without too much bloodshed, burnings, cannibalism, or whatever else they may indulge in on their 'big night out'…
After all this mayhem, pizza, and beer, it was time for some fresh air and what better place for that than the Indian Creek campground just outside Philo where 'Ranger' Robert was holding a Halloween Music Bash amongst the towering redwoods. As I flew into the vicinity I could hear the raspy yet dulcet tones of Kevin Owens' voice as he headed up the Rockslingers band alongside Pilar Duran with her wonderful guitar licks and Rod DeWitt pounding away on the drums. On landing in the glade amongst the trees, I could see there was quite a gathering of people with a good mix of locals and Robert's traveling band of hipsters. After sipping a little wine and admiring some of the dancing girls' moves I mingled in the crowd and listened to the band. It was very evident that these three had played together many times before, in and around the Valley and Nor Cal over the years, and their performance was very well received - good to see them all 'at it' again together…
With mild temperatures continuing into the night and a perfect ambience amongst the magnificent trees, a second band, The Humans, with front man none other than' Human' himself, began their set. They were very good indeed with a sort of mix between calypso, reggae, rap, The Velvet Underground and blah, blah, blah. Whatever it was, I'd see them again and I don't often say that these days. By midnight, with the party still in full swing, I decided it was time to leave. I still had a number of miles to get home to The Nest and it had been a long night. Besides, a friend was also going my way at that time and I didn't fancy leaving all alone later on and running the risk of confronting any Angry Villagers or Zombies out for a late night stroll…..
It was wet and windy as I flew out to the Coast early last week – tough flying conditions for a Turkey Vulture of any age and condition never mind one like myself! I stopped for a rest at the Little River Inn and enjoyed a short chat with an old friend. Upon leaving I found myself at the door as a large group of diners were approaching. They were a mixed group of men and women, ranging in age from early thirties to late fifties so I immediately seized the opportunity to conduct a little test study and held the door open for them as they entered. Five minutes later the final few stragglers were inside and the results of the study were in. Under what were clearly strict scientific guidelines, the test showed that I had been thanked politely by nineteen of those entering. Conversely nineteen had walked in with no acknowledgement of my courteous gesture whatsoever. Fifty per cent! I found this quite shocking. With a bald red head and wet feathers did I look like a doorman? And even if I did is this the way people behave? Apparently it is, and so I went after them and said in no uncertain terms, “What is wrong with (continued on page 74)…..
Just wondering…If I want exactly one gallon of gasoline and the price is $2.99 and 9/10 a gallon what change do I get from three one-dollar bills?
With the cooler climate upon us it’s approaching the time of year when I am able to spend a few hours each week up in the hills above the Valley watching shepherds and their sheep dogs hard at work with their flocks. Firm plans to get out there have not been made as yet but this is the right way to go about sheep herding according to The Wise Shepherd. “You do not wish to get their hopes up”, he advised me, “I find it’s best to surprise the sheep”…I think I understand his meaning…..
I was not too surprised to read an item in last week’s ‘Valley People’ section in which the scribe once again made an attack on the wine industry. The comments were summed with the announcement that the “wine industry is worse than the logging industry”. Apparently this ‘fact’ is supported by an incident wherein a driver employed by a winery had not pulled over to let others pass when negotiating Highway 253. The Esterlina Winery employee should certainly be spoken to by his/her employees but to make a comparison with logging truck drivers and then claim that this group always pull over is laughable - in fact I laughed my socks off!...As many of you are aware I have a ‘pet peeve’ about slower drivers not pulling over but in my vast experience on this matter I have not found this particular distinction between the two industries to be true. Both groups have good and bad drivers.
At least this very questionable comparison was not as bad as a previous attack on the wineries in the very same section of the paper. On that occasion it was claimed that the evil-doings of the wine business could be compared to the damage done to individuals by methamphetamines. That was absolutely ridiculous…At least this latest jibe is merely just very silly - I suppose we should be grateful.
On that upbeat note I shall leave you. I hope you are all on top of your plans for Thanksgiving dinner next week but if you’re feeling a little overwhelmed feel free to contact me at and perhaps I can offer some cooking advice - as long as it’s not Turkey you’re having, of course…Now let us prey…Humbly yours, Turkey Vulture…..

#44 - November 9th, 2005 - Remembrance

With the eleventh hour of the eleventh day of the eleventh month of the year upon us, I would humbly suggest that everyone give a few moments thought to both those who gave so much in wars of the past and to those who continue to do so in and around the war zones of the world – lest we forget. The significance of this particular time and date, Veteran’s Day, or Remembrance Day in Europe, is that it signaled the end of The Great War, or First World War as it become known. In its wake, empires and monarchies fell, political systems realigned, social order turned upside down, and class distinctions, along with codes of behavior, changed forever. Today, as a result of the catastrophic number of dead, both civilian and military, there is scarcely a city, town, or village in Europe without a memorial to its “lost generation”…yet still we go to war…..
A few moments of reflection on the horrors of war and its consequences is the least we can do and hopefully it will allow us a deeper understanding of the sacrifices made by those before us and currently, and a greater humility in, and appreciation of, our lives today…..
“Let us pray”….Sincerely yours, Turkey Vulture…..

#43 - November 2nd, 2005

A number of local readers have commented since the last issue, either in person or by e-mail, expressing their disappointment on what they feel was a significant omission from my closing comments last week. The editor of this esteemed organ makes decisions on what must be excluded from the final edition but it does seem to be strange that a critical part of the weekly rapport with readers should have been deleted. I know "The Powers That Be" at the A.V.A. work very hard for little reward but to leave out my "Let us prey" request is a regrettable omissionŠIn the past they also have been known to disregard my farewell salutation, "Humbly yours, Turkey Vulture"ŠI think both of these comments are 'important' and always include them in the article I send into the A.V.A. headquarters each week - after all I believe it's rude not to. Why does this happen ? Do "The Powers That Be" wish to discourage my humbleness and are they concerned that their readership are out there preying ?
Meanwhile, last Saturday proved to be one of those days when no matter how hard I tried to get stuff done I felt like I was walking knee deep in mud and nothing would go right. Basically I was up against a series of plumbing problems which had arisen at The Nest. You know the ones - those that if they'd been addressed at an earlier time would have taken a few minutes but which, by hoping they would go away, were now substantial. I was in a hole and the deeper I delved the more problems I exposed. My difficulties were greatly alleviated, however, thanks to the gang at Jack's Valley Store just outside Philo. This hardware store has everything you can ask for and Master of Many Trades, Kevin, is worth his weight in gold to an 'amateur' plumber like myself. His attitude and knowledge were much appreciated whilst at the cashier's desk there was the upbeat, chatty, and very efficient, Julia. Thanks to these two my plumbing experience was not all that bad (it only took me six hours to solve) and the frustration of feeling like a hamster on the wheel was more than offset by these helpful folksŠ Š..
Talking of hamsters on wheels, as anyone who has ever owned a hamster will know, this particular animal spends an inordinate amount of time sleeping. I have owned two, both named Hamish for reasons too banal to explain, and after an exhausting night on the wheel they would sleep for most of the day, understandably so, you may think. After my 'Pets Corner' paragraph last week on the comparison between the relative 'smarts' of cats and spiders, I thought a couple of you may be interested to know that much research is being done into the sleeping habits of these creatures in order to more fully understand the mysteries of human sleep.
Dreams simulate reality in several intriguing ways. For example, you could see yourself being eaten by a snake in an exact replica of your bathroom - i.e., an incredible act being performed in a real, spatially coherent environment. Furthermore it is entirely possible for you to experience the sensation of being swallowed while maintaining a steady stream of perception throughout the whole dream. This is hard for science to understandŠMeanwhile, what is the hamster dreaming during all those hours it spends asleep ? Inquiring minds would like to knowŠ..
But I digressŠ.By late Saturday afternoon I had completed the work and began to make plans for The Boo-Bash Halloween Party at The AV. Brewery Tasting Room. Flying into Boonville I suggested to my companions that this event might have anything from twenty to eighty in attendance and so I was very pleasantly surprised that it was very close to the higher figure by 10 pm. From the room decorations and DJ and karaoke machine to the splendid buffet and many excellent costumes it was obvious that many people had made a big effort to ensure the night was a success.
Best costume award went to Henry Hill for his Devil Man outfit and superb make-up job. Anthony and Cleopatra, whom I did not know, came in second - "nice costume, Cleo !". In third was a Viking warrior and his 'Warriorette' ("very nice costume, Hannah !"), whilst special mention went to a number of Brewery employees who were deemed ineligible for prizes - cruel but fair. These included The Grim Reaper and his bludgeoned cheerleader companion (Head Brewer Dave Gatlin and better half, Erica), Old Granny and Blue Collar Guy (Rod De Witt and companion Julie respectively !), and Peter Suddeth as a British rocker - clearly a look he has been looking forward to portraying for some time and one which he may stay with !Š
My own personal 'special mentions' go out to Jack and Peggy Ridley as 'simple farm folk' - "a little too convincing, Jack"; Clay from Navarro's Horse Haven Ranch asŠerŠwell, as a bloated, cigar-chewing, beer-swilling, lecherous, far from handsome old geezer (extra points to Clay for choosing a mask through which he could still drink !); and Patty Liddy's sleazy 50's guy with greasy, slicked back hair and pencil-thin mustache whose 'package' seemed to get plenty of attention, particularly from 'Jackie Onassis' !ŠA fine time was had by all and hopefully it will become an annual event. Many thanks to the organizers and particularly T.R. manager Todd Capuzelo who not only was the main guy setting up the bash but also performed tirelessly behind the barŠ..
An appropriate snippet of news at this time of year which I received from my roving reporter, The Balding Eagle, as he continues to uncover the stories others are afraid to exposeŠ"Responding to "a possible threat of terror and fright," Department of Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff announced Monday that trick-or-treaters will be subject to random bag searches this Halloween season"Š..
On that disturbing note I shall bid you farewell before I run out of spaceŠbut before I do, may I just say, "Let us prey"ŠHumbly yours, Turkey VultureŠ..