#26 - June 29th, 2005

I do believe that over the past few months I've shared so many of my Turkey Vulture family secrets and idiosyncrasies that you've probably had enough by now. Therefore I've decided that this will be the last piece of 'Jive Turkey' for the time being….Here's a couple of final insights to my world …Firstly, any of you thinking of making a surprise visit to The Nest and having a quiet word with me will not have an easy task. You see, we do not actually build nests, preferring instead to find very remote, hard to reach locations and just settling into whatever we find - underneath the floors of old barns, deep inside tree stumps, amongst boulders high in the hills. Yes, The Nest is very difficult to find and I like it that way…Secondly, those of you who assume that we spend all of our time simply sitting around in trees observing the two and four-legged creatures going about their daily routines would be very wrong. I should inform you that if the mood takes us we are quite capable of "getting away from it all" and spiraling upwards to altitudes of 20, 000 feet (yes, twenty thousand !). Up there we can soar around for hours without ever flapping our wings. Everyone needs their space and a little 'R & R' high in the sky is probably as close as us Turkey Vultures are going to get to the fine people and creatures who inhabit heaven - I'm bound to say that it's their loss …..
Please accept my apologies for failing to provide you with a 'Useful Word of the Week ' in recent columns. Hopefully nobody has been too tongue-tied... Well, not to worry if you have, I'm back with a word which I'm sure every one of you can relate to and find many uses for. The word is "lickerish" and its meaning is "lecherous or lustful thoughts". Oh, yeah - as in, " Just the other day, as I was observing a quite beautiful female turkey vulture provocatively bent over as she gnawed at the carcass of a dead sheep, I couldn't prevent a little lickerish from crossing my mind"…Enjoy yourselves with this one…..
Apparently, in polite circles, somebody once said that I might possibly be a fair judge of character. For example, with regards to my long-held opinions about the slow-driving Jay Williamson of Santa Rosa, who does not pull over to permit passing and with whom I have had some disagreements over the past couple of months, perhaps I may have been cruel, but always fair…And even if I was cruel, it was just to be kind… Whatever, for those of you who have had to endure reading the ongoing public 'feud' between my good self, Turkey Vulture, and 'Blue Jay' Williamson, you will no doubt be pleased to know that the final chapter of this unseemly public display of schoolboyish one-upmanship is perhaps about to be written …Let me explain…
This past week the palatial offices of A.V.A. Headquarters received a mysterious package addressed to Mr. Turkey Vulture from "JW, Santa Rosa"... After confirming that nothing was ticking inside, the A.V.A.'s 'Powers that Be', Messrs. Severn and Scaramella, summoned me to appear in front of them. As I stood quivering in their omnipotent presence the parcel was opened. No anthrax, no dead fish, no steaming turds. Instead, quite a pleasant surprise - a purple license plate holder emblazoned with "Scenic and Sober on Hwy 128…Don't drink and drive"…By happenstance, the original plate holder on my vehicle had been smashed against a tree in a fit of pique the previous day (a long story - don't ask) and I immediately attached the new one - "Thank you for the gift, Blue Jay"…
As regular readers will be well aware, I have always enjoyed seeing Mr. Williamson's small novels in the Letters Page and then attempting to decipher his distinctive take on things. Certain contributors to this newspaper have found fault with this widely misunderstood gentleman and his inimitable points of view, so I will be speaking sternly to the culprits, particularly the one who has referred to him as a " mildly annoying gnat" and "someone adept at making a short story long"…Meanwhile, I propose that Blue Jay and I get together for a long and excessive day of wine tasting along Highway 128 in the Valley. Don't worry, he'll not end up as a ' T.V.' dinner up here at The Nest. I'll make sure he gets home o.k. - it's the least I can do….
Two Nights in The Valley (I smell a film script)…Last Thursday evening, as I flew over the High School on my way to The Buckhorn Saloon, I noticed perhaps twenty or more soccer players scrimmaging on the field behind the school. I dropped by and spoke briefly with Head Coach Tom Smith and Assistant Steve Sparks. It was just the second practice of the summer but they said that their belief was that "the season starts now" even though their first game would not be until late August. Last year's team frequently featured five or more freshmen starters so although the team is still young it has some experienced sophomores to complement the five or so seniors and the coaches were looking forward to a very successful campaign. Furthermore, the large number of players signed up for soccer meant that a Junior Varsity team would be playing games whenever the opposition could provide it. I'll keep you posted on their progress…..I moved on down to the bar and entered to find quite a good crowd in attendance and my reason for being there, the N.B.A. Finals' Game 7, was on all the tv screens. Sharply contrasting experiences of life in Michigan and Texas meant I was rooting for the Detroit Pistons but it was to be San Antonio's night, much to the disappointment of the majority of those assembled. Hopefully they were not too upset, and besides, they could comfort themselves with the "All-you-can-Eat" Italian Dinner Special for $9.95 - chicken and pasta, salad, garlic bread…I'd already eaten on this occasion but I'll check it out next time. It's available on Thursday Nights from 5.30pm to 8.30pm - sounds like a plan to me…..
On Friday evening I attended the party to celebrate the official release of the Anderson Valley Brewery's new Summer beer, Cerveza Crema, and to witness the annual ceremony featuring the Brewery's generous donations to the Community. This year this came in the form checks totaling $34,000 which came from the proceeds of the Beer Festival held each year in early May. Nine different local groups were the lucky recipients including The Animal Rescue, The Historical Society, The High School Sports Booster Club, The County Fairgrounds, The Fire Department, The Senior Center, and The Emergency Medical Services. The Brewery Owners, Ken and Kim Allen, were no doubt heartily thanked by all, as they should be. Despite the somewhat unpopular "big business" reputation of the Brewery in certain circles, I have no doubt that the company's prosperity has come as result of their business-like attitude - so necessary for success in what is a very competitive field. In turn, this success has enabled a local enterprise to provide gainful employment with benefits for nearly fifty local people, not to mention the fact that they do produce some splendid beers…..
After the boisterous party a quiet conclusion to the evening was required and so, along with some of the usual suspects, I found myself enjoying a very good (and economical) bottle of Pinot Noir from the Valley's Raye's Hill Winery whilst sitting in the scenic gardens at The Boonville Hotel as the sun slowly sank in the sky. A very pleasant and 'civilized' time I must say, greatly enhanced by the Hotel staff on this occasion, Jim, Derek, and Saffron - I'm already looking forward to the next time…..
Well, no time nor space to share any "Universal Truths" with you this week so I'll bid you farewell and pass on a little Turkey 'wisdom' - be careful out there; stay out of the ditches; and most importantly, don't forget to prey….
Humbly yours, Turkey Vulture….. (turkeyvulture1@earthlink.net)
p.s. Oh, alright, as you insist… here's a "Universal Truth" quickie - "Reading when you're drunk is horrible"….Satisfied ?

#25 - June 22nd, 2005

No Jive-Turkey; no scandal-filled reports on the late night social scene in downtown Boonville and beyond; no 'Useful Word of the Week'; not even a 'Wine' or 'Whine of the Week' …No, although 'normal service' will be resumed next time, this week I have a real tale of life in the countryside which some of you may wish to hear… But before doing so I have to briefly respond to some recent comments made by two wayward fans….
In last week's A.V.A. there were some minor, gnat-like bites directed at my venerable yet vulnerable self by both the newspaper's own 'ms', in his droll section of the 'Valley Living' column, and also by Jay "Just to make a short story long" Williamson in the Letters Page. I fail to see why they bother. I am but a simple 'bird of prey' who wishes to both share some innocuous views of the Valley and also comment on various harmless episodes which occur on 'my patch'. The labored attempts of these two 'serious' writers to discredit me in some minuscule way are clearly acts which I will be filing away under the heading, "ungentlemanly conduct" and I will certainly be referring to them when we make the inevitable final approach towards Armageddon…..
I could not detect what salient point 'ms' was actually trying to make and I did feel his attempts to question my opinions about 'life on the road' were spurious at best. Those opinions came as a result of in-depth research over many hours spent each week driving along the highways and by-ways of Mendocino County. I feel that my observations on this topic, though sometimes cruel, are always fair. Other than that I feel gratified that despite his busy schedule of 'contributing in a major way' to the A.V.A., 'ms' is still able to find time to recall a number of my past remarks on this and other subjects. I can only assume that he will come to his senses, return to the fold, and eventually thank me later…..
As for Williamson, a.k.a. "The Tailgaters Friend", at one point in his soporific, somewhat abusive, and profanity-ridden diatribe he managed to make the point that my contribution, in the form of hack-writing for this esteemed organ, actually does have some worth …How kind…I always suspected he was a fan and a signed photograph of myself, slumped drunkenly besides a ''55 mph' speed limit sign, is on its way to him as I write…But I digress…Poor Jay - he has clearly spent many hours
with various people up his ass (when driving, I should add) and with so much free time he has been able to formulate numerous debatable opinions about life in Anderson Valley from his vantage point in Santa Rosa. Typically, with regard to these opinions, not to mention his characterizations of me personally and the vehicle I drive, Williamson's most recent comments couldn't have been further from the truth. Why am I not surprised at this ?
But enough of this gibberish….Last Wednesday it was already 74 F at 8.30 am on the deck at The Nest and after a few pints of strong coffee it continued to look like being a beautiful day - perfect for making some observations from a bird's eye view. I made my way along Mountain View Road to the County Dump. It was quiet up there allowing Ron the Dump Guy and myself to enjoy our usual riveting little talk about "this, that, and the other". At one point he informed me that the weather was just about to turn again. I was surprised. Ron explained, "Yes, Vulture, the guy who was leaving here just as you arrived says we are going to get over an inch of rain in the next two days."…and, as if to counter my look of disbelief and give greater weight to the prediction he added, "He's a dentist, you know". …Well, whatever his day job, the fellow was spot on and the resulting rainstorms left even the old time Valley folks scratching their heads trying to remember the last time we had such heavy rainfall so late in the year…..
However, that afternoon was a warm one…and a sad one too if you happened to one of the fifteen woolly, four-legged Valley dwellers who were due to bid farewell forever that very day to their young (six month old) male offspring. Yes, it was time for me to head up to the Yorkville Highlands to watch a Master Shepherd, his apprentice shepherd, one somewhat experienced border collie, and two younger, 'rookie' sheep dogs, all get together to separate the fifteen lambs from their mothers and send them on the first step of their journey to the dining tables of northern California.
On my arrival, a 'game-plan' was devised and the 'battle' commenced. It started off as it was to continue for most of the afternoon - i.e. badly for the shepherds and dogs. The flock, on seeing the approaching dogs and seemingly aware of their fate, immediately separated into three similar-sized groups of about twenty sheep and headed off to various far corners of the 160 acre ranch. A cunning plan if I do say so myself. Nevertheless some were retrieved fairly quickly and driven to the corral where the lambs were separated from their mothers and then split into male and female groups. The former were to go to the butcher whilst the females will remain on the ranch where they will soon be bred with the Shepherd's trusty Ram, thus providing next year's lamb dinners… Another group were cornered under a huge, impenetrable fig tree where they decided to stay despite the dogs' attempts to move them. Lots of shouting, clapping, and brave moves amongst the tangled branches by the dogs finally moved the sheep out and down the hill to the corral where they were separated. This had not been easy and had taken nearly an hour of hard toil to accomplish. The 'battle' was fairly even at this point but the shepherds and dogs were fading fast on tough terrain in the oppressive heat. Meanwhile, the remaining sheep and their lambs seemed strong and determined to 'win at all costs'…..
This third group of sheep, who had been watching from a distance of about 1/4 mile, now saw the young dog making it's outrun towards them. She was asked to do so by the shepherd whose experienced dog, having done most of the work at that stage, was exhausted and needed a break in the shade with some water. The sheep seemed to know they were dealing with a 'rookie' and immediately bolted in the opposite direction, disappearing over the hillsides and down the ravines, with the dog in pursuit. The 'fun' had just begun. The events which followed make a long, repetitive tale which needs more space than presently available. Suffice it to say, eventually, despite the exhausting efforts of the shepherds and the one remaining young dog, traipsing for miles over the land in a long, tiring, and ultimately fruitless search for the sheep and errant dog, it was finally decided that the sheep had 'won'. Never a pleasant thing to admit for any shepherd but the sheep often do 'claim victory' and many of those who work the flocks do not agree with the commonly held premise that "sheep are stupid"…..
Up to that point all the classic shepherding techniques had been tried and most had failed. The defeated shepherds had only one option - get the quad bike and search the ravines, creeks, woods, etc, by that method rather than continuing on foot. In practical terms this is o.k., it's just not the 'proper' way. Some twenty minutes later the "Gang of Twenty" and the 'lost' dog were located and the panting sheep were gradually driven down to the corral by the 'biker' and all three willing but fatigued dogs. The separation of mothers and offspring was performed far more successfully than any of the earlier exploits in the open fields and, with the job completed, the first beers of the day could be enjoyed - four hours after the 'battle' had begun.
After many hours spent in their company, it would appear to me that sheep often frustrate even the most experienced of shepherds and dogs. On this day of all days it was acceptable. It has been said by farmers that the greatest change in behavior of any animal is that witnessed in a ewe…Without a lamb they will be generally mellow and submissive but with a lamb at their side they are confrontational, strong-willed, and often quite aggressive - virtually a different being. On this hot day high in the hills their instincts and the resulting behavior, perhaps coupled with a sense of impending grief, led to some extra strong resilience from the ewes. It was always likely to be a tough 'battle' - one in which even the wise shepherds and their tireless working dogs were destined to be second best…Yes, today the Ewes were definitely #!…Bless them… and their doomed offspring…..
As we guzzled a beer, The Master Shepherd, with a glint in his eye, commented, "My good Vulture, we may be big celebrities, earning massive wages with shepherd groupies watching our athletic moves and hanging on our every word but, as you witnessed today, it's not all glamour "…..It had been a special day in many ways and I was almost as tired as the sweaty 'celebrities' and their mud-covered dogs who now all headed home. However, I was still very thirsty so I headed for The AV. Brewery Tasting Room where I gulped down five pints of Police Gold Pale Ale in less than two hours before being driven home to The Nest by a concerned citizen. This had been a splendid day in the country - ya got love it…..
Now I ask that we all prey….
…Kind regards, Turkey Vulture of Lamb Chop City …
turkeyvulture1@earthlink.net

#24 - June 15th, 2005

"The good rain, like a bad preacher, does not know when to leave off"…Well that's all very well for you to say, Ralph Waldo Emerson, but it would be nice to have had some warning… Everyone was talking about it, many saying they could not remember so much precipitation in the Valley so late in the year. I hadn't been in the Anderson Valley Farm Supply for a few days so I'd not had my weather update from Dave "The Weatherman" Gowan, who would surely have known and given me a 'heads up'. Therefore, like so many others, I was not forewarned when those latest rains stormed through the Valley last week and as a result of this surprise I found myself in animated conversation about it all day - exciting stuff, I have to say…..…
Wailing police sirens; pulsating bars full of trendy twenty-somethings talking loudly at each other; seemingly normal looking people walking along the streets talking loudly to themselves; buses too big for the congested streets; noise, noise, and more noise; pretty, attractive, sexy young women of all races in clothes emphasizing that always 'pleasant on the eye' bare-midriff look; vomit on the streets; construction sights and road blocks; wild-eyed crack users, red-eyed pot smokers, and beady-eyed cocaine fiends; knowledgeable banter about the Giants, the N.B.A. play-offs and where to find the hottest new lesbian scene; unpleasant and unrecognizable smells; the witty comments, risqué remarks, and sarcastic asides from the 'at-the-top-of-their-game' bartenders; aloof, unfriendly, irritated attitudes exhibited by those same bartenders just moments later (it's what the 'kids' want, apparently); delicious Thai food, particularly when enjoyed with Singha Thai beer; the unmistakable odor of urine drying in the sun; great coffee and bagels with cream cheese; people of all ages adorned with world class tattoos; occasional real dramas, but more often just melodramas, at every street corner; it never ends - stimulation in every direction…along with yet more noise…..
Just a few reflections on a wild forty eight hours last weekend in San Francisco - a place where so many people seem to spend their whole evening searching for the best bar scene or the best possible 'night out' right through until morning when they're confronted with the sobering thought that they'll have to try again…A place where I spent many, many years in my younger days and from which now, after a couple of nights, I am ready to leave and head for the hills…For this mellowing Turkey Vulture, S.F. is still a wonderfully vibrant city to visit for a short time but the country now seems a more satisfying place to live . As anthropologist Desmond Morris comments, "the city is not so much a concrete jungle as a human zoo" - and I really don't like zoos…..
Wine of the Week… With the passing of Memorial Day, it's usual at this time of year for me to taste the fruits of my winter labors in the sheep pastures. As a result, one day this past week I was delighted to get my beak into a superb leg of lamb and almost as happy to have it alongside an extremely pleasant bottle of Anderson Valley's Navarro Vineyards' Pinot Noir. Free range, alfalfa-fed lamb and a top quality Pinot Noir from the Valley - that's a match made in heaven…..
Whine of the Week …Now I may be just a naïve, once-upon-a-time city slicker currently residing in the countryside with a strong predilection for hack-writing about the local events and tales of life in a northern California valley, but surely I am entitled to an explanation as to why, when we put a man on the moon nearly forty years ago, the "Rough Road" sign at the 35.2 Mendocino mile marker on Highway 128 between Boonville and Yorkville has been a permanent fixture for well over a decade. This is not a 'biggie' and the stretch of road has become such a part of the landscape that I do believe at this point that I'd almost miss the little yellow warning sign and the bumpy little ride around the gentle bend, both accompanied by the sense of well-being which comes with knowing exactly where you are and how far you are from your destination. Many attempts have been made to satisfactorily repair this section of road - each has failed. I'm sure there have been the usual 'budget restraints' and 'technical difficulties', blah, blah, blah, but after such a long time and so many fruitless efforts isn't it a little ridiculous at this stage ? It's only my humble opinion of course but instead of the half-hearted attempts made so far shouldn't somebody be stepping in and doing the job correctly ? Who are those responsible for these continual failures ? Are they still working on the problem ? Why haven't they been replaced by somebody who can successfully complete a job for which they will undoubtedly be well paid ?…I think we should be told…..
On a lighter note, a little further south east on Highway 128, at approximately the 48 mile marker, is the beginning of Mountain House Road, or Route 111 as it is officially known. If you take this delightful little drive to the east it will bring you out at Hopland on Highway 101 and, due to it's lack of traffic and beautiful NorCal scenery, it is referred to by some insightful locals as quite simply, "The best little road in the West " !…Having flown along this "way less traveled" recently I have to say they may be absolutely right and I just thought you should know…..
I'm aware that you're excited to get to the important stuff so here we go - it's 'Jive Turkey Time'…On our journeys of up to 200 miles in a day, not only do we have to swoop at speeds of up to 60 plus mph (or should I say 55mph to keep the CHP happy) to avoid being 'mobbed' by those annoying ravens and jays, but we also have to share our knowledge of the thermal currents so that the 'lazy' hawks can also enjoy the 'ride'. Yes, we can virtually float in the sky using these thermal currents (rising columns of air) and will use very little energy doing so, rarely flapping our wings. Whilst we Turkey Vultures may be ignored, or even treated with disdain, the hawk gets all the plaudits. I've heard people comment, "ooh, look at that elegant hawk smartly using the air currents" when in actual fact that same hawk has been watching us find the currents before taking advantage of them and claiming all the glory. We are used to the lack of respect, we actually thrive on it, but hopefully, despite our bald, red-headed appearance and tendency to thrust out heads into the body cavities of rotting animals, you now know who the "elegant and smart" ones really are…..
With the extended daylight hours of late I've tended to hang out in the evenings on the deck at The Nest and thus have done little 'eating out' on the Valley scene. My apologies. However, at least I have been very diligent about the Friday night appearance in the Boonville "metropolis" and last week was no exception…I arrived at the Anderson Valley Brewery Tasting Room around 6pm - perfect for "Earlies", which began with a delicious pint of Poleeko Gold Pale Ale. The smartly dressed bartender was in fine form and the usual suspects were in attendance along with a smattering of tourists and a number of the Brewery staff. It was certainly a good beer-drinking crowd and "Earlies" were extended to about 9pm when it was clearly time to eat before having a few 'night caps' at The Buckhorn Saloon. The crowd began to head out and once again I had left it late for Boonville dining - my only option being Moya's Taco stand. No problem at all - I salivated at the thought…On my arrival I was tempted to be sensible and have the $4 mini-burrito (the size of the average guinea pig) but in a moment of great clarity I decided to order the $7 Super Chicken burrito (the size of a small baby) with a cunning plan to save half for lunch on Saturday. It was delicious, I couldn't stop eating…Well, I think you can guess the rest - Late drinks never happened, I was sound asleep in The Nest by 10pm, and I didn't particularly enjoy the buttered toast I ate for lunch the next day…..
Finally this week, I thought I'd share another of those "universal truths" with you…I was reminded of this one first hand last weekend in S.F. and it goes something like this - "At the end of every party there is always a woman crying and a man drunk, although they're not necessarily together" - I have to say that sometimes it's the other way round but apart from that I assume you can relate….Perhaps we should just all prey….
Kind regards, Turkey Vulture…..
(turkeyvulture1@earthlink.net)

#23 - June 8th, 2005

Once upon a time, although it was actually one day last week, I decided to make my way out of the Valley and fly westwards to the coast through the beautiful redwoods on Highway 128. As the road snaked through the shadows of the surrounding titans the temperature quickly dropped and I could tell that the oppressive heat of the Valley would soon be replaced by the cool climate which the coastline frequently provides. Yes, I'm referring to the California north coast's natural "air-conditioning" - it's a wonderful thing and on this day it was thankfully turned on to 'full'…..
I was very hot and sweaty after paying a visit to the County Dump outside Boonville where I had enjoyed the usual lively conversation with Ron, the Dump Guy. Apart from commenting on the relatively sudden arrival of the hot weather, we had our usual moan and groan about the world of politics both in this country and abroad. After discussing the chaos in the Middle East and Africa, and how many of the governments in these regions seem to do everything but serve the best wishes and welfare of their people, we inevitably returned to the topic of G. Dubya Bush and his failures in this country. Whimsically, we thought it somewhat surprising that nobody has yet made a concerted effort to 'take him out'. Obviously this was 'Dump Talk' and what's discussed under such circumstances has few boundaries….
At this point another customer, whom neither Ron nor I had seen before, pulled up alongside and began to off-load a huge amount of empty beer and wine bottles into the recycling container. He had heard some of our comments and decided to offer an opinion. He mentioned how we have all heard Bush's gun lobby cronies fondly reminding us that 'guns do not kill people, it's people who kill people', but now our new acquaintance added with a knowing look, "I know guns alone may not kill people, but they sure do make it easy !"….No, no, no, Mr. President, I'm sure he was just kidding - as if a wine and beer guzzling country fellow in Nor Cal would be serious about committing such an act……
Strange but true #22…One of the first stops on my recent travels to the real world a few weeks ago saw me come across some rather fervent Catholics in a seedy bar not far from the Mitchell Brother's Adult Entertainment Club - The O'Farrell Theatre in San Francisco. These young gentlemen were eagerly awaiting the announcement of the new Pope and like myself they were hoping that whoever it was would do as good a job as their all-time favorite, Gregory XV …Meanwhile, whilst they waited to hear the momentous decision in the company of some very exotic characters, they were well aware that they had a been left 'alone' for a short period of time and, with no 'leader' to keep a judgmental eye them, they were planning to seize the opportunity to indulge in various sins without fear of reprisal. It appeared that these sinful acts were certainly going to involve the participation of some of the scantily dressed women in the bar who were taking a break from their 'performances' across the street at The O'Farrell…As I've said many times before "it takes all sorts", but these young papists were some very strange folks indeed and the activities which followed cannot be discussed in a family newspaper such as this - not that I was in any way involved, I can assure you. However I can reveal that when one of the young women removed her (continued on page 74)…..
Isn't it about time for time for some Jive Turkey ?…I thought so…Well, I may have informed you in the past that if one of my Turkey Vulture brethren is spotted with wings outstretched wide, sitting still in a tree, on a pole, etc, then he or she may be informing friends and family that in the immediate vicinity there is some 'good eatin' to be had. However, if this occurs in the early morning sunlight it is more likely to be a spot of sunbathing to increase the body temperature after a cool night. Conversely, to cool themselves off during the hot summer months, we may have to resort to defecating on our feet …. What ?…What ? - I humbly suggest that you reserve judgement until you've tried it for yourselves…..
On one of my flights into Boonville last week, I stopped at The Redwood Drive-In to get some gas and enjoyed a lively conversation with someone I always enjoy seeing - Duck Lips. She mentioned that it was good that I was known as Turkey Vulture and not Buzzard as there had already been a Buzzard in this Valley and there would only ever be one. This was Luster Bivens and he earned the right to be referred to as 'Buzzard' due to the way he appeared to the swoop into town every day from high up in the hills. Duck Lips had taken care of the old fella during his later years before he finally passed away at the grand old age of ninety nine years and eleven months !!. Many, many years previously Buzzard had planted the two large redwoods outside The Rookie-To Gallery which continue to provide some wonderful shade in downtown Boonville as the sun beats down during the summer months - a great parking spot if you can get it.. As Duck Lips notes, Buzzard also was well known for his skills in making bone-handled cutlery. Apart from one fork most of his own collection was lost in a fire. He used that fork to eat his eggs with every morning - "Something to behold", she mused, "It was mind boggling"…I'm not quite sure what she meant but it was a lovely little talk we had and I look forward to the next one…..
Funny line in the on-line satirical magazine, 'The Onion Weekly Dispatch'… "I've just heard that Tom DeLay's blood was in the water and the sharks were circling him, but unfortunately it turned out to be just a metaphor"…Well I laughed anyway…..
This past Friday I was pleased to see that it was 'business-as-usual' with regards to the 'night life' scene in the heart of the Valley… A good crowd of drinkers, both professional and amateur, had assembled at The Anderson Valley Brewery Tasting Room for "Earlies" which, thanks to the excellent hosting of Todd behind the bar, managed to stretch to a little past 9pm for quite a few of the usual suspects. Although I left the Brewery in fine fettle, peanuts and pretzels had not been sufficient so it was most comforting to know that Moya's Taco Stand would naturally be on hand to supply the much needed sustenance to set up the evening's final 'session' …A tasty mini-chicken burrito ($4) later, I flew down Highway 128, swooped up the ramp into The Buckhorn Saloon, and moments later I was quaffing a pint of nourishing Poleeko Gold Pale Ale very capably served by Barman Tom. The beer, wine, and laughter flowed as a group of local characters shared weird and wonderful tales of life this past week in the Valley. Of course I couldn't possibly comment on what was revealed - if you wish to know this important 'stuff' you'll just have to be there next week ….. ….
The Word of the Week on this occasion is the splendid and, in my opinion, very onomatopoeic, "groodles", which is another word for "leftover food"…I actually used the word just yesterday when a couple of guests up at The Nest failed to eat all the meat off the baby back pork rib bones which I had generously bbq'd for them. I politely inquired, "If you're done eating, I'd love to nibble on your groodles" -what could they say ? Enjoy the word - it has great potential…..
Well unless something amazing happens in the next few seconds that will be all for this week other than to leave you with a reminder of another "Universal Truth" which I experienced at a gathering in town over the weekend - "One of the most awkward things that can happen in a bar is when your beer-to-toilet cycle gets synchronized with a complete stranger"… Yes, be careful out there…
On that note, I would imagine it's time for us all to prey….kind regards, Turkey Vulture (turkeyvulture1@earthlink.net)

#22 - June 1st, 2005

Greetings one and all…Turkey Vulture here, back after another short break and now looking forward to an enjoyable summer of observing 'this, that, and the other' around the wonderful Anderson Valley and beyond……
In polite conversation, most people like to drop in a few words about the weather, so, being a polite sort, I thought we'd start there…Valley people were rightfully grateful for those last few days of heavy rainfall which finally came to an end a week or so ago. As a result of those late downpours our wells, and the water table in general, will hopefully be at high levels to get us through the long, hot, dry summer ahead. However, as Dave Gowan, owner/operator at the Anderson Valley Farm Supply so wisely points out, this will also mean a potentially bad 'fire season' later in the year. "You can't have it both ways", says Dave, who, when not imparting valuable information about agriculture and livestock happens to be the best weather person around. His forecasts are repeatedly more accurate than anything the tv weather guys come up with or whatever you may find on the radar weather channels on the internet. My advice - if you have to find out what the weather is really going to be like - just ask Dave…..
Meanwhile, changing gears somewhat, I hope everyone is driving in accordance with the California Vehicle Code on our local highways and by-ways. I mention this because a number of supportive readers have indicated to me that in my recent absence a very long and rambling letter was published in the A.V.A. Letters Page from none other than Jay "Thou shalt not pass" Williamson of Santa Rosa. I checked the records and, sure enough, his 'short novel' appeared in the April 27th issue of this esteemed organ. He certainly is a fine wordsmith although he continues to disagree/misunderstand with what I was saying about people driving at 40 mph who refuse to pull over for those amongst us who wish to drive at a legal 55 mph. Not to worry, I can accept his points of view being different to my own although this is a person clearly well versed in making a short story long.
Of the numerous readers who wrote and expressed disagreement with the remarks Williamson made in reply to my suggestion that these slower drivers follow the law and show some common courtesy by pulling over, perhaps Mark Tokarski of Bozeman, Montana, best sums up their feelings when he wrote in the letters page a couple of weeks ago - "Williamson confessed to knowing the law and knowing that he is slowing others down. He enjoys it. He uses his driving habits as a control mechanism - he likes the idea that he can dictate speed to others."…. Meanwhile, I'm disappointed that Williamson has refused my kind offer to spend some time together drinking excessively in The Boonville Lodge. I'm afraid that scenario remains the only one in which I can imagine spending any time in the company of this "fascinating" man, unless of course he cares to visit me at The Nest where I would have no problem in showing him how to (continued on page 74)…..
Strange but true #23…Whilst on my recent travels, I found myself at an Indian restaurant in deep conversation with a friend of a friend - a very entertaining man originally from a small rural village in the Indian state of West Bengal. After a delicious chicken tikka masala curry and some Kingfisher Indian beers we moved on to a bottle of brandy and at some point in the evening he shared one particular insight with me which was most enlightening. With tears welling up in his eyes he stated that since living in 'the West' what he missed so very much about his homeland was "the pleasure in feeling the grass tickle my buttocks as I defecated in the fields". Interesting ! As I once again reached for the bottle, the possibilities of what new pastimes may be enjoyed in the pastures and hills of Anderson Valley were certainly something to ponder …..
Moving swiftly on….It's time for a little 'Jive Turkey'…I just thought you should know that if I, or any of my Turkey Vulture brethren are ever harassed by strangers or perhaps disturbed in an unpleasing manner, we will resort to just simply throwing up on the person or beast who is bothering us. No hesitation, no warning, no fooling around…If you want to mess with us, be prepared to pay the consequences… and just in case you wondered, yes, even the Vulture babies will do this …Otherwise, we are quite pleasant, although I did once react to an annoying (continued on page 74)…..
Useful Word of the Week : I do not wish to make light of people's problems but it's part of my upbringing and therefore, as it's been some time since we've had a disease or ailment in this category, let's go with "atremia" - a hysterical condition in which the victim cannot stand up straight….As in ,"At midnight last Friday it appeared that a number of people of my acquaintance in the Boonville Lodge were suffering from a severe case of atremia"…..or quite possibly, "After devouring a whole rotisserie chicken from Safeway the other day I then ate a quart of chocolate chip ice cream. I washed it all down with a couple of beers and suddenly felt quite atremic when I tried to get up from the park bench"… You do understand that I make these scenarios up, I hope ! …..Anyway, good luck with trying to fit this word into your conversation this week - I know some of you will have no problem…..
Speaking of Safeway - is there a store with friendlier employees than the one in Ukiah ? I realize it's the 'company policy' and I'm sure they are reminded to behave in such a way but it's quite pleasant all the same and they've convinced me that most of them mean it. Besides, with so many surly, easily-irritated 'customer service representatives' dealing with the public these days it's most refreshing to feel that someone working in a place where you are spending your 'hard-earned' is pleased to see you… Keep it up, I say…..
Finally, it came as something of a surprise the other day to read an article in a respected European publication by a travel writer who had recently visited Northern California and points beyond in his search for the world's tallest trees. I thought you might wish to know how the Valley can be perceived by outsiders who make a brief visit to 'our neck of the woods' so here is the relevant passage from a much longer piece…
"The next day I made my way slowly back west from Napa towards the coast, stopping in the sweetest little town of Ukiah to ogle the local beers at a micro-brewery before driving down the glorious Anderson Valley, passing through the town of Boonville, the inhabitants of which have invented their own language for communication between themselves when the rare stranger appears in town. It’s not the most difficult language, outsiders are known as "headlights" because that is often how they are first spotted in the valley. But I felt that there were probably quite a lot of "samenames" about, or "kissing cousins" as we know them, so I moved on quickly.
"The last ten miles to the coast took me into my first proper redwood forest and I wasn't disappointed. I felt a strong urge to park the car, leave all my clothes in a neat pile and lose myself in the forest. However, I quickly changed my mind and drove on. Driving in the U.S. is pretty easy. Almost every car has a sticker on it indicating which way the occupants voted in the election. The rules are simple. If the car ahead of you has a Bush/Chaney sticker, approach with caution, don't overtake, and let them do want they want because they are certainly heavily armed rednecks willing to make you "squeal like a pig" at the drop of a baseball cap. If, however, the hydrogen-fuelled vehicle in front of you sports a Kerry/Edwards sticker then put your
foot down, force them to pull over, take their valuables or whatever - don't feel bad, they'll blame it on your underprivileged upbringing and forgive you…."
So now you know how others view us….Anyway, despite the obvious inaccuracies I thought you may like to read this insight by a somewhat confused "brightlighter"…. Well that's more than enough for now, I need to finish this rambling and get out of here and do some 'observing…Meanwhile, I'll leave you with another universal truth that I have become aware of over the years - "you never know where to look when eating a banana" - well, now that I've mentioned it I'm sure you won't !….
…Kind regards, let us prey, Turkey Vulture…..