#59 - February 22nd, 2006

There have been a couple of minor, gnat-like rants in the Letters Page of the A.V.A. in the past few weeks. They were contributed by Don Morris, known up here at The Nest as The Willits Warbler – cruel but fair, I’d say…Anyway, I suppose I am the one responsible for ‘rattling his cage’ because, following excessive worship/toadying at the Church of David, Mark, and Saffron, he called for this column to be rejected from the newspaper on the grounds of its banality, to be replaced with yet more opinions from the Powers-that-Be at The A.V.A.. Strangely, while the editor continues to severely limit my column, The Warbler’s witless letters, lacking in perception and concerned with virtually the same topic each time, were printed in a prominent position on the Letters Page. Sorry, “W.W.”, but you appear to have completely lost the plot. Is it just me or would anyone else rather hand over their life-savings, or even kiss a wild hog’s snout, than spend an afternoon listening to The Warbler’s tedious ramblings?.....
Meanwhile, based on feedback received both at The Nest (turkeyvulture1@earthlink.net) and on the streets and gathering places of the Valley, it would appear that the banality I sometimes offer in this column is actually in demand, along with the healthy smattering of irreverence and large dollops of Valley insights not reported elsewhere. Thanks for your continued support and the encouraging comments that “A Bird’s Eye View” covers ‘stuff’’ which many in the Anderson Valley community want to read about, and that it provides a good complement to the ‘heavier’ issues raised by others in this newspaper… P.S. If you still want to read “A Bird’s Eye View “ in its full, unabridged version then you can find it at www.theturkeyvulture.blogspot.com…
Moving swiftly on with some updates on The Valley’s new and improved small business scene…Hopefully some of you are reading this as you sip coffee and munch on bagels at The Mosswood Market, Boonville’s new coffee shop etc., which opened on Tuesday (February, 21st) – I may be sitting at the table next to you right now. Best wishes to Sharon and Debra for a successful and popular business venture…Tom “Too Shy” Towey has recently been ‘exposed’ as the new owner of The Boonville Lodge – a fact I have been aware of for some months but was sworn to secrecy. He is a good man and I wish him well - he’s the perfect person for the job and has some exciting ideas for the place…The Highpockety Ox, the new bar/restaurant at the site formerly occupied by The Buckhorn Saloon, is still nearly a month away from opening but hopefully it will be worth the wait…The Crab Feed is ON! – this Saturday at The Apple Hall in Downtown Boonville with proceeds going to the Senior Center. Do yourself a favor and be there…
Whilst I’m thinking about food, (“when isn’t he?”, some may say), let me share a guilty pleasure with you - Mrs. Smith’s French Silk Chocolate…Oh, yes, good readers, it’s gooood, and I have no doubt that you will be thanking me for this little tip when you’ve tried it…Now I know it’s not your Mother’s secret recipe, and it may not appeal to the purists, plus it does come out of a box purchased at the Anderson Valley Market, but you’ve got to like the fact that it’s made on Rolling Pin Lane in Suwannee, Georgia and non other than The Green Sweatered Goose from Lauren’s Restaurant in Boonville is a fan. I know Mrs., Smith has quite a following in these parts and so I would expect these desserts to sell out quickly. Don’t be left out. When it’s late at night and you get a hankering for the sweet stuff, then make sure you have some of this decadent, restaurant quality, chocolate creation on hand - trust me on this, you’ll thank me later…..
Finally this week, it would appear that the Valley’s resident “Hill Artist”, Monty Hulbert, has kindly decided to share some more of his work with us. The latest display appears on the hillside above The Hulbert Ranch alongside Gowan’s Oak Tree, just north of Philo to the east off Highway 128., and appears to be in his traditional hubcap-style …However, may be it’s just me but I am not exactly sure what it is saying. The words “I love..” are clearly visible but the crucial third word is not… Is it “U”? Is it a flag?...Or perhaps, like many of the great ones, Monty is leaving it up to the observer to make up his or her own mind. Whatever he intends, I for one am grateful for his efforts…
Now, please,… “Let us prey”…Humbly yours, Turkey Vulture….

#58 - February 15th, 2006

Welcome to the unabridged version of “A Bird’s Eye View” - almost twice the size of the published version appearing in The Anderson Valley Advertiser – an organ that has unfortunately been shrunk from twelve pages to eight resulting in all contributors suffering the “snip”…..
Before I get going I should like to point out that in last week’s issue my column appeared in three separate parts for reasons known only to the “Powers-that-Be” here at the A.V.A. It was in its usual place and then two separate places in the Valley People section. This is fine, I suppose – anything to help, but I was not aware that it would happen that way and it may have confused regular, caring readers…On a more serious note, at the end of the piece I jokingly suggested that any complaints you may have about a reduction in the size of this column, and those of other contributors, could be made by calling the Editor’s home phone number. I teasingly noted that this number could be found on “page 74’…Obviously I did not actually offer the number. However, the editor decided to print his number at the end of my column, making it appear as if I was revealing it. This implied that I was somewhat indiscreet to say the least. More disturbingly, it would appear that the editor has now decided to add bits to columns rather than simply edit them…Strange but true…..
The much-anticipated football game took place the Sunday before last after which many of the participants gathered at the A.V. Brewery Tasting Room to watch the Super Bowl and devour hot dogs, chili, and beer…Yes, folks, the 2nd Annual Boont Bowl, played at The Boonville Fairgrounds between The Grizzly Beers and The Mild Turkeys, was a much closer fought battle than last year but once again the Grizzlies took the title with a 28-21 victory. After a number of last minute free agent signings (ringers), the Grizzlies had just a little too much all round ability and, more importantly, fitness, for a Turkey side full of aging veterans, many of them a few large burritos past their best. For the Grizzlies, MVP receiver Tino “The Catch” Martinez had an outstanding game and was ably supported by Danny Cuny at quarterback, and a fine line on both sides of the ball led by ‘J.W.’, Olie Erickson, and Matt Meyer. With ‘Disc Golf’ Jay, Dave “First Down” Gatlin, Tom “Go To” Towey, and of course, Tino, all picking holes in the opposition defense, it was always going to be tough for the Turkeys.
However, with star Q.B., Jason Paige, playing the game of his life, savvy veterans, Jason “Hustle Up” Schrider and Todd “X’s and O’s” Capuzelo bringing their vast experience to the fore, and skilful receivers Neal “I’m open” Atkins, Jim Snyder, and Uncle Joe making some key plays, the result remained in some doubt to the end. The hefty line of Steve Sparks, Ari Sturtevant, Bruising Bob Sykes, and Bill Teague were determined if not athletic and if a fumble return for a touchdown by Sparks had not been controversially disallowed, who knows how the game may have finished? As it was, the crowd on hand was treated to a wonderful display of “Sunday morning” football played with 100% effort by all the participants. I’m sure those in attendance enjoyed the game almost as much as they did the ‘refreshments’ and cookies…
I attended a wonderful fundraiser for High School Arts held at Handley Cellars Winery last Thursday evening. Together with the fine wines and tasty hors d’oeuvres there was a wonderful display of the work by numerous Valley artists and crafts-persons with a percentage of the proceeds to go to the school. It was also enjoyable on a personal level when at least three people I spoke to commented on how much they enjoyed the Turkey Vulture column (including the A.V.A’s own splendid writer Bruce Patterson). “Too bad about a reduction in the column’s length” was the overwhelming consensus. Over the next few days this seemed to be a something I heard repeatedly around town.…I couldn’t possibly comment…..
Business Briefs…At press time, I have not been into town since the weekend but The Mosswood Market has apparently delayed its opening by a week until Monday, February 20th… As requested, they will have bagels and cream cheese – yes, these two women, Sharon and Debra, will go far!...The new bar/restaurant, The Highpockety Ox, will open in about a month…The Boonville Lodge has changed ownership and I predict subtle changes will follow which everyone will be pleased with – the new owner? - I’m still trying to persuade him to let me reveal him to the public even though many people already are aware of his involvement in the bar. Perhaps he is very timid and was once beaten up by Quakers?…..
The Social Scene…It gives me great pleasure to announce, to those who haven’t heard yet, that one of the Valley’s best social events of the year is actually going to take place despite previous announcements to the contrary...Yes, folks, the Crab Feed is on!...It will be at The Apple Hall on Saturday, Feb., 25th. This year the proceeds will not be for The Catholic Church, which had difficulties in getting organized this year, but instead the Senior Center Gang has stepped in and saved the day. I suggest you make sure nothing stops you from being there…I won’t…..
A minor rant from Don Morris of Willits appeared in the Letters Page of the A.V.A. last week. Following excessive worship at the Church of David, Mark, and Saffron, he called for my column to be rejected from the newspaper on the grounds of its banality, to be replaced with more opinions from the Powers-that-Be. However, based on feedback received at The Nest (turkeyvulture1@earthlink.net), it would appear that the banal is actually in demand, along with a healthy smattering of irreverence, a large dollop of frivolity, and perhaps more than a hint of a sense for the community of Anderson Valley. Come on, Don, this esteemed organ hopefully appeals to all sorts in this corner of Mendocino and beyond, perhaps you should climb down from your ivory tower and meet a few of them…
Now on to more uplifting matters…Let me share a guilty pleasure with you - Mrs. Smith’s French Silk Chocolate…Oh, yes, good readers, it’s gooood, and I have no doubt that you will be thanking me for this little tip when you’ve tried it…Now I know it’s not your Mum’s secret recipe, and it may not appeal to the purists, plus it does come out of a box purchased at the Anderson Valley Market, but you’ve got to like the fact that it’s made on Rolling Pin Lane in Suwannee, Georgia and non other than The Green Sweatered Goose from Lauren’s Restaurant is a fan. I know Mrs., Smith has quite a following in these parts and so I would expect these desserts to sell quickly. Don’t be left out. When it’s late at night and you get a hankering for the sweet stuff, then make sure you have some of this decadent, restaurant quality, chocolate creation on hand – it’s a smooth and sophisticated answer to your munchie needs…..
To send a bill by mail– 39 cents…A gallon of unleaded gas in Nor Cal - $2.89 …A ticket for The Crab Feed in Boonville - $25 (still a bargain though)…A sunny and warm Sunday afternoon in February walking along the beautiful coastal headlands in Mendocino – priceless – in fact it really cannot get much better than this…
Carrion has been detected in my vicinity - I must go…But first, “let us prey”?…Humbly yours, Turkey Vulture…..

#57 - February 8th, 2006

The Supreme Commander here at The Anderson Valley Advertiser has decided that, with a new “leaner and meaner A.V.A”, contributors will have to cut back on the size of their columns, no matter how popular they may or may not be. Whilst I understand the reasoning behind this request I will not accept any responsibility for the public outcry and street demonstrations that will undoubtedly ensue as a result of “less Turkey Vulture”. I may be a “hack writer” who has been known to concern himself with basic local lifestyle issues (eating and drinking) and the occasional irreverent discussion but often it’s all that many readers want from their A.V.A. experience…..
I cover my numerous topics briefly; I get in and I get out as it were. This is in contrast to the “heavier” readings other, more accomplished writers bring to the page – both have their place I would like to think. It’s unfortunate that with less space I will now have to disrupt the usual free flow of banter as I attempt to adhere to a restrictive word count…Regardless, I will endeavor to do my best and continue to concentrate mostly on the Anderson Valley matters not covered by others – I know that’s all many of you want to read about anyway. The good news is that loyal readers with Internet access can still read a complete, unabridged version of “A Bird’s Eye View” each week. It’s not quite the same as reading it in a newspaper but check it out at either www.turkeyvulture.net or www.theturkeyvulture.blogspot.com …Meanwhile, “don’t let the bastards get you down” (Turkey Vulture, 2006) and “Keep the faith”….
On to less distressing matters...Following an article in Valley People last week in which certain overtly sexual schoolgirls’ ‘fashions’ were criticized, I have to say that I agree wholeheartedly. Although I am not prepared to deny that a glimpse of a woman’s g-string/thong above her low-cut jeans is always a pleasant sight, I have to stress the word ‘woman’ in this scenario. Now I am obviously applying double standards here but I’m a just a normal, red-blooded bird of prey so find it in your hearts to forgive me. Besides, when a high school student presents that same ‘look’, it really is inappropriate, somewhat sad, and downright silly. (I have similar feelings about numerous other modes of dress exhibited by boys and girls alike when at school). Surely this is against the school’s dress code. If so, why isn’t it being enforced? I think we should be told….
Moving from g-strings and thongs to another one of my favorite topics – The County Dump on Mountain View Road just west of Boonville…I made a flying visit there last week and as I was leaving Ron the Dump Guy thrust some leaflets into my hand. Unfortunately it was not a change in the laws regarding the dumping of dead animals but nevertheless it was something I feel you need to know - a list of items which can no longer be disposed at The Dump after February 8th, 2006. These include dry cell batteries, fluorescent light tubes and bulbs, thermostats and anything containing mercury such as water heaters, barometers, thermometers, etc. All of these MUST be dealt with by the Mendocino Waste Management Authority and left at their Hazmobile Program – 707-468-9704 or www.mendorecycle.org…The following electronic devices can be recycled at The Dump at no charge - computers, printers, VCR’s, cell phones, telephones, answering machines, radios, microwave ovens, etc…Remember, all of this is effective from February 9t - Ron will be watching you, and perhaps I will too…..
Now that wasn’t a very exciting paragraph, was it?…I’m disappointed, The Dump is usually such a fun discussion. Nevertheless, I hope it is not edited out as people need to know this stuff…..
Valley Folk I’d Prey with…# 5 - Dick Sands, our affable Senior Center Bus Driver and master of many trades. As pointed out in these pages just last week by Charmian, Dick is courteous, polite, and on time! He seems to have a smile for everyone and a quip for every occasion. Particularly popular amongst the ladies of The Valley, when Dick is on the job you can be sure everyone is going to have a good time. Yes, I’d prey with him any day….So Dick, on behalf of many folks in The Valley, may I pass on a big “thank you”. Keep it up!.....
Shopping Tip #32: The excellent new (2005-06) Anderson Valley phone directory, produced by the High School Computer Class, can be found at numerous outlets in The Valley. I’ve yet to see it priced less than $8.75 which is the current price at Jack’s Valley Store just north of downtown Philo. Don’t delay; they’re selling out fast….
Onward…I briefly watched a television documentary the other evening in which I heard Britain’s Prince Charles utter the words, “She was madly generous”. He was referring to his grandmother, The Queen Mother, who died a couple of years ago. I thought it was a strange phrase and I really like it but it does not qualify for the “Useful Phrase of the Week” because, not being a member of the British monarchy who speak in that peculiar way, I cannot imagine ever using it, which is too bad…Speaking of the Royal Family, rumors continue to surface regarding the sexual preferences of Charles’ youngest brother, Prince Edward. He has been married for some years now but let’s be honest, what does that prove?
Actually, I personally don’t care whether Edward is “light on his feet” as Lord Ned of Warwickshire might say, or if he “plays for the other side”, as many other Brits may delicately put it. Similarly, I would be indifferent to news that he is ‘shagging’ his attractive wife from dusk to dawn every night. Whatever he does behind the castle gates is fine with me - he’ll no doubt be pleased to hear that. In fact, I have no strong opinions on any of the current monarchy although I have admired a few of their ilk in the past I must say…Henry “pass me another chicken” the Eighth comes to mind, as does Richard “you can’t prove I killed my nephews” the Third…Not to mention the lovely Lady Diana – “cor, blimey, she was a bit of alright”…Now that's certainly a trio one can imagine having quite an interesting evening with - if eating, villainy, and attractive women are your thing…..
Well that’s all there is space for but surely, before “they” drag me away screaming and begging, I will be allowed to offer you those magical words, “Let us prey”…Humbly yours, Turkey Vulture…..
p.s. My Super Bowl “stone cold lock” prediction that Pittsburgh would win by more than a field goal was cruelly edited out of last week’s column. You could have won quite a chunk of change if you’d known, eh? Voice your complaints to the editor. His home number is… (Continued on page 74)…..

#56 - February 1st, 2006

Following extensive research and investigative reporting of moderate quality, I can reveal that the discussions concerning the new ownership of The Boonville Lodge are moving forward and soon this Valley landmark will join The Highpockety Ox and The Mosswood Market on the ever-growing list of New Business Ventures in the downtown ‘metropolis’ of Boonville. The new owners of The Lodge will no doubt look to make some improvements and innovations whilst maintaining a welcome for the crew of ‘usual suspects’ who currently make the bar their local hangout. I wish them well and I’m sure they will add positively to the revitalized scene in The Valley…..
Whilst we are on this topic, may I just suggest to the whiners out there, whom I have already heard dismissing the potential success of these new operations, that they give the new operations a chance to prevail before they judge them to be failures. It seems that some of these people often have the loudest voices and yet they say little of any consequence…It’s unfortunate that a few individuals have nothing better to do, particularly those “know-alls” who despite never having worked in the service industry claim to know all about it. Together with the “nay-sayers” who rarely venture into such places as bars or coffee shops, these moaners will always find something to complain about …Cheer up, you miserable bastards, and feel free to come and join me for a panini sandwich at The Mosswood followed by a delicious pint of Guinness at The Ox before a game of pool at The Lodge – trust me, you might enjoy yourselves.....

Meanwhile, as promised last week, my elite team of roving reporters has reported back on their investigations into the mysterious ‘goings-on’ at The Toll House. This beautiful Victorian house, and the three hundred and twenty acres it sits on at the six-mile marker of Highway 253 in the Belk (Bell) Valley region east of Boonville, has been for sale for some time. A few weeks ago, in the Valley People section of the A.V.A., it was reported that local entrepreneur, Charlie Hiatt, was in escrow to buy the property but, whilst this was no doubt true, my team has uncovered numerous rumors connected with this purchase. Some of these scandalous whispers indicate that the parcel is being sub-divided into eight forty-acre parcels. Others have the property being resold by Charlie to new buyers already. Along with the previous article’s gossip of a casino being installed, the beautiful house has also been the subject of some ‘Valley speak’ implying that it is to become a hotel, or perhaps a restaurant, or even home to a high class escort service!…It’s only my opinion of course but The Brothel in the Belk has a certain enticing ring to it. Not that I know anything about being enticed into brothels, of course…..

Moving very swiftly on…I briefly watched a television documentary the other evening in which I heard Britain’s Prince Charles utter the words, “She was madly generous”. He was referring to his grandmother, The Queen Mother, who died a couple of years ago. I thought it was a strange phrase and I really like it but it does not qualify for the “Useful Phrase of the Week” because, not being a member of the British monarchy who speak in that peculiar way, I cannot imagine ever using it, which is too bad…Speaking of the Royal Family, rumors continue to surface regarding the sexual preferences of Charles’ youngest brother, Prince Edward. He has been married for some years now but let’s be honest, what does that prove?
Actually, I personally don’t care whether Edward is “light on his feet” as Lord Ned of Warwickshire might say, or if he “plays for the other side”, as many other Brits may delicately put it. Similarly, I would be indifferent to news that he is ‘shagging’ his attractive wife from dusk to dawn every night. Whatever he does behind the castle gates is fine with me - he’ll no doubt be pleased to hear that. In fact, I have no strong opinions on any of the current monarchy although I have admired a few of their ilk in the past I must say…Henry “pass me another chicken” the Eighth comes to mind, as does Richard “you can’t prove I killed my nephews” the Third…Not to mention the lovely Lady Diana – “cor, blimey, she was a bit of alright”…Now that's certainly a trio one can imagine having quite an interesting evening with - if eating, villainy, and attractive women are your thing…..

It’s time again for the “Greatest Sporting event in the World”! This claim, made by the N.F.L. and it’s minions in the sporting press, refers to Super Bowl XL (that’s ‘forty’ for the non-Romans out there) and certainly, living in this country, this perspective would appear to be an accurate assessment, although others residing elsewhere may disagree. I am a big fan of our “made-for-TV” sport and will be riveted to the screen on Sunday afternoon at The A.V. Brewery Tasting Room devouring copious amounts of hot dogs and Pale Ales, This year’s Big Game features Pittsburgh against Seattle with the Steelers currently favored to win by 3 ½ points. This figure represents the estimated margin of victory as calculated by those crafty rascals in Las Vegas where gambling is known to take place on occasion. People such as myself are invited to either choose Pittsburgh to win by more than this figure or alternatively we can pick Seattle to lose by less than this amount, or win.
Despite our former leader, George Washington, describing gambling as “the child of avarice, the brother of iniquity, and the father of mischief”, betting on this event will be in the millions of dollars, with every aspect of the game being wagered on, even including the toss of the coin at the start of the proceedings. For entertainment purposes only (of course), I shall be choosing ‘”heads” on the coin flip and taking Pittsburgh to win by more than 3 ½ points. I advise you to do the same…..

On Saturday evening I was kindly invited to attend the belated end-of-season gathering at the school cafeteria for the players, families, and friends of the A.V. High School Boys Soccer team organized by Coach Tom Smith . For those of you who have forgotten, the team completed one of the most successful seasons in the history of the program, winning their league and progressing well into the play-offs before finally falling at the semi-final stage. The season’s success was celebrated in fine style with some absolutely wonderful Mexican food prepared by the players’ mothers. This was followed by an edited video version of the three hour epic play-off victory over Branson High School which saw everyone crowd into the computer room at the school for the viewing. It was a special evening. Well done, Tom, and many thanks to the cooks - fantastic job - I still can't stop thinking about that food!.....

Before I leave you this week, I just want to thank a couple of readers who have recently commented on the column. Firstly, my friend, The Red-Breasted Scouse Grouse wrote to me at turkeyvulture1@earthlink.net and accused me of being too nice, even “brown-nosing”, after I had written complimentary remarks about a few people and places in last week’s piece. May be he is correct. However, I have to say in my defense, that I call it as I see it and if I find something pleasant and positive to write about as I observe from my bird’s eye view, then I will certainly do so…Secondly, I’d like to thank “L.Shrieve of Philo” for the kind remarks in the Letters page last week. I am not sure if we are acquainted but clearly you have great wisdom and I look forward to meeting you one day…In the meantime, I’m outta here!…“Let us prey”…Humbly yours, Turkey Vulture…