#20 - April 20th, 2005

Once again let's begin with some of that old Jive Turkey : Turkey Vultures merely eat that which others have previously killed. We are the only 'scavenger' birds that do not actually kill our prey. Not that I'm saying we wouldn't if we could but on close inspection of our feet you would see that they are useless for ripping into prey and you'd be reminded of a chicken rather than a hawk or eagle. However, we have incredibly powerful beaks which can rip through even the toughest of cow hides. We also have naked red heads (resembling Turkeys) so that carrion or dead meat will not adhere to our skin as it would do to feathers. Eating out is quite simple really, we just thrust our bald heads into the body cavities of rotting animals and chow down - hence our alternative title, "The Garbage Men/Women of Nature"…Hmm, I've always liked that…..
What a wonderful day in the Valley ! I'm referring to last Sunday which turned out to be one of those perfect "10's" when it all just slips into place…Perhaps I can share it with you…After a wisely subdued Saturday night, I was unusually fresh for a Sunday morning and thus able to swiftly swoop into The Buckhorn Saloon in Boonville at 7.35am for a hearty breakfast, served from 7.30am to noon on weekends. Along with numerous other Vultures I devoured some excellent 'grub', which in my case was the delicious corned beef hash special - oh, yeah, this is good ! It was just what I needed and, with Diana calmly and efficiently running the operation in the dining area and D'Anne coming up with the goodies in the kitchen, it would be a hard feast to beat. Eggs Benedict and/or Florentine, biscuits and gravy, chicken fried steak, hobo potatoes, crispy bacon, omelets - these 'classics' arrived promptly and, according to the assembled breakfast 'experts', were all very good. With coffee flowing freely and mimosas requested by a couple of the more 'adventurous' diners it was the way a good Sunday should begin, in my humble opinion of course…..
By 8.30am I was flying down to the Yorkville Highlands to attend the annual Kevin Owens' Classic Sheep Dog trial put on by Kevin the Shepherd and R.E.S.D.A. - The Redwood Empire Sheep Dog Association. Just a mile into the hills off Highway 128, it was held in a wonderful setting with perfect weather to match and although the sheep were as ornery as they can be, which resulted in the sheep dogs often struggling to get the upper hand, it made for an excellent day's sport. Despite the lack of cooperation from the sheep, two of the twelve competing dogs successfully completed the course including the eventual winner Elie, with Nancy Todd as the handler on behalf of Stanley Johnson of Yorkville's Johnson Ranch. The Anderson Valley Sheep Wranglers, led by Natalie the Sheep Whistler and fortified by their breakfast at The Buckhorn, kept everything in order in the holding pen area to ensure that all the shepherds had an equal chance of victory and, it should go without saying but I will anyway, Kevin Owens of Wales was superb as the Course Director and all-round excellent host…..

By 3pm the victorious winners had received their ribbons and trophies, including three beautifully carved bowls designed and created by generous property owner Cesare Reyneri, and it was clearly time for The Wranglers to sup some beers. Tradition dictates that this meant a return to The Buckhorn and although a number of the wranglers were clearly affected by sunburn they were not to be deterred from celebrating a job well done…It was a special day and when it was all over "baaah the bleating" this particular Vulture was smiling all over his big red Turkey face…Many thanks to all who helped to make this great Valley occasion such a success…..
Whine of the Week : Actually more of a 'worry' than a 'whine'…Having spent many years in the Western Addition district of San Francisco in the early nineties, whenever I start to see an increase in the number of youths hanging out on street corners with pit-bull puppies on short leashes I cannot help but think that a resumption of the barbaric 'sport' of dog-fighting is on the horizon. I would imagine this is something not unheard of even here but I have made as many such sightings in Boonville over the past three weeks as I had in the whole of the previous six months. I would hope the youth of our fair Valley is not up to such nefarious activities and are merely enjoying the wonderful companionship a dog can bring but I fear the worst…I'm hopefully way off the mark on this because I'd hate to be the one to say, "I told you so" at some point in the future….
Wine of the Week : I'd love to say that I often enjoy Roederer
Estate Vineyards' Brut sparkling wine with the caviar with which it pairs so well - but I can't…However, I can say that it is absolutely first rate with some delicious butter popcorn. An opinion shared by many others, I believe…I should add that the Brut is also very good with orange juice in a mimosa but 'The Powers that Be' at our local French-owned winery would probably not be too pleased to have it 'broadcast' that their fine product may be used as half of a very effective hangover cure…Oh, well, messieurs et mesdames, it's too late now… and anyway it's true…..
It's time for the Useful Word for the week …On this occasion I have chosen 'mumblecrust' - it just rolls off the tongue. This is another way of saying 'a toothless beggar' as in, "Some of my best friends are mumblecrusts", or perhaps, "You don't get many mumblecrusts staying at The Boonville Hotel"….I'm confident that you'll find plenty of occasions to use this excellent word over the next week or so…..

I made a long overdue visit to the Coast last week and, after the early morning haze had lifted, what a beautiful day it turned out to be. The ocean was at least three different shades of blue as I flew along the coastline and, despite the very blustery winds, the bright sunshine kept me warm. For lunch the usual excellent burger and fries from Mendo Burger in the town Mendocino made sure I was fine fettle for the long flight between Fort Bragg and Gualala and then back to the Valley. Not wishing to be too smug but it was certainly one of those days which reminds you of why you live in this part of the world…
For those readers desperate to find out the names of certain anonymous writers in this esteemed publication, they can at least find out who I am by writing to me personally at turkeyvulture1@earthlink.net and I will reveal my name, vital statistics, favorite food, mother's maiden name, etc - all that you wish to know…probably. I have found that people generally treat you differently if they know you write in a newspaper and therefore, in anonymity, I believe that my points of view can be somewhat objective observations. Approximately 95% of what I think and write about this Valley is positive and so I would like to think that writing under a pseudonym, apart from providing an outlet for my obvious Vulture obsession, is just harmless fun. Furthermore, I know that much of what I write reflects the thoughts and opinions of quite a few people who live and work here and if I have been 'critical' on occasion then hopefully it has been both constructive and also a benefit to the vast majority of readers. However, if you still wish to know my name etc then feel free to contact me if this will make you happy…Enough said…..
Well, this will be my last column for a few weeks as I'm leaving The Nest and heading way East to visit The Vulture Family and various other scavengers from my sordid past. In my absence I assume by now you will know what to do - be careful out there, stay out of the ditches, and try to make sure your god goes with you…oh, and for 'heaven's sake, don't forget to prey…best wishes, Turkey Vulture…..

#19 - April 13th, 2005

Let's start things off with some good old "Jive Turkey"…I may be a little biased but I sense the public would like to know that our favorite local bird of prey, the Turkey Vulture, is on average about two and a half feet long/tall with a wingspan of six feet and yet we only weigh about three pounds - I am the exception….Furthermore, and once again I am a departure from the norm, we can swoop at speeds up to sixty (60 !) miles per hour although this feat is more often than not done to avoid being "mobbed" by those miserable bastards known as ravens or jays rather than when we are going after prey….In concluding this fascinating topic for the week, I'm sure you're keen to know that we generally live to be around twenty years old… and yes, you guessed it, I am an oddity in this category also …..
This weeks Useful Word is "corybungus" which is another way of referring to a person's bottom or fanny…As in "she (or he) has a very shapely corybungus"… or maybe, "I'd rather kiss a bear's corybungus"… or perhaps even, " The other evening my friends and I really felt like some of that wonderful pizza from Lumberjack Pizza in Boonville but they were closed. If I owned that place I'd work my corybungus off and be open for more than just seventeen hours a week"…..
It is very rare for me to reply to letters of no substance or those
where the writer clearly has 'issues' or an axe to grind. However, I have to comment on one such letter from a certain Jay Williamson of Santa Rosa which appeared in last week's 'Letters to the Editor' section. Williamson made implications that your intrepid, respectable, and high-flying reporter, Mr. T.Vulture, might possibly have a need for the illegal drug commonly referred to as "speed" - apparently because I do not like to drive at a "snail's pace". He went on to disingenuously offer his hopes that my well known enjoyment of a pint or case of beer and a glass or bottle of wine will not result in me being charged with a DUI…To paraphrase a Texan friend of mine, "what crawled up his corybungus and died ?"…
His mean-spirited comments about myself ,and his expressed
annoyance with many others on the road, came as a result of my simple suggestion that, for both courteous and legal reasons, people who wish to drive slower than the legal limit should pull over for those of us who wish to drive at that very speed limit. Most of us on Highway 128 know the road very well and are safe drivers merely trying to get work at a speed of more than 45 m.p.h. Thanks for your input Williamson but your remarks are really quite foolish. I imagine with your attitude and outlook on life that you may be quite lonely so perhaps we could meet in The Boonville Lodge, enjoy a chat over copious amounts of alcohol, and after a large dose of amphetamines to keep me awake, I'll drive you home - at a "snail's pace" of course…and on that I give you my word as a drunken speed freak…..
Moving on. A number of Valley dwellers gathered at The Anderson Valley Brewery last Friday evening to wish a very fond farewell to The Atkins-Reed Family of Philo who are re-locating to Louisiana for a number of reasons. First and foremost, micro-biologist Neil, who has been very efficiently running the lab at The Anderson Valley Brewery for the past couple of years, has been offered a position at the Abita Brewery, New Orleans' local brew house. This will allow him to achieve his long sought-after role as a fully-fledged brewer. It's a loss to The A.V. Brewery and he will also be missed on the local social scene where he and I have exchanged informed gibberish on many occasions…A second big reason for the move is that Neal's partner, Courtney, will be much closer to her family in Houston and Atlanta so gatherings with aunts, uncles, and proud grandparents will be much more frequent. Her co-workers at Esterlina Winery on Holmes Ranch Road will miss her hard work, vitality, and, most importantly, friendship. As for Big Owen, their under-two year old, he will be as equally missed as Mum and Dad but if all goes according to plan I look forward to either listening to him in my retirement years at the annual New Orleans Jazz Festival or watching him playing for the U.S.A. soccer team at the 2026 World Cup - or both…Good luck to you all…Best wishes, and may your dreams come true…
Whine of the Week : Not a 'biggie' but It has come to my attention that on the cluttered public notice boards in our local stores, restaurants, and post offices, there seems to be so many postings that the events or services which help benefit the local community are often lost in a 'sea' of self-promoting, money-making schemes for those who are not even from this area. Now I accept they should be able to showcase their 'products' also but not at the expense of the local scene. I asked about this at the Boonville Post Office and was told they only allow local non-profit posters to go in their window - it would appear they have not checked lately. Surely someone can come up with an easy way of improving this situation - I can't……
Wine of the Week : As I dove into the delicious chocolate torte
dessert I felt that the glass of wine I held in my claw would greatly add to the experience - some superb Handley Cellars '01 Zinfandel from the winery on Highway 128 about seven miles north west out of Philo….I was right and strongly recommend you follow suit at your earliest convenience… or sooner…..
Having in the past made a couple of negative comments about Ukiah - The Big City round these parts, I must mention that last Saturday I had a very pleasant time there. Firstly I swooped into the Azteca Mexican Restaurant on South State Street for some delicious heuvos rancheros before embarking on a visit to big bad Wall-Mart. It was not nearly as bad as I had expected and, thanks to the friendly staff and the particularly helpful Rebecca in the shoe department and cashier Brendan, I departed in a good frame of mind. I had spent much longer there than planned and as I approached the door to the Bank of America it was just after 2.30pm and they were closing. In the City of S.F. I have been turned away in similar circumstances but not here. Assistant Manager Adriane very kindly let me in and I was able to complete my transaction …So an enjoyable few hours were spent in the oft-maligned Ukiah and that's got to be a good thing…..
On entering the local Post Office one day last week, I was greeted with the words, "Where have you been, you dirty old man ?" from a wild-eyed woman in purple polyester pants, a blouse emblazoned with big pink flowers, and large round spectacles. I was surprised to say the least. Surely my secret was not out, I thought …Thankfully, an elderly gentleman was a few steps behind me and the comment was directed at him. He chuckled and replied to his 'admirer', "There's nothing wrong with being a dirty old man is there ?…In fact you can't beat it - just like a sore peter !". They burst into laughter in unison and the three of us watching and listening to this exchange couldn't help but laugh too…Valley living - it's a wonderful thing….. On that note I'll bid you farewell…Be careful out there…Let us prey, Turkey Vulture…..
p.s. For three weeks in succession in this column I have felt compelled to mention the act of kissing a bear's posterior. My apologies. It will not be mentioned next week - I'll kiss a bear's ass if it is…..

#18 - April 6th, 2005

Do you know that we Turkey Vultures are members of the Catharridae Family along with California Condors which are a federally endangered species ? Well, whether you do or not surely this means that you will treat me gently when next we meet….. Whilst we are on the topic of my family and our background let me inform you that my actual scientific name is "Cathartes Aura" which is Latin for "cleansing breeze" - somewhat ironic, perhaps, to those who have spent time with me after I've had a delicious super chicken burrito from Moya's Taco stand in downtown Boonville…I couldn't possibly comment..…
Moving swiftly on…After a couple of beers at The Brewery Tasting Room in Boonville on Friday evening it was time for a change of scene so, along with a number of other Turkeys, I headed down the road to The Buckhorn Saloon. All was calm with a small crowd present but soon things got a little crazy thanks to a group of young and attractive Brightlighters from San Francisco out on the town to celebrate one of their number's 30th birthday. The group were very confident yet polite; trendy but casual in their city garb featuring the girls in their low-cut jeans with short cut t-shirts revealing a hint of bare midriff - always nice to see I must say... Excessive drinking, wacky dancing in sombreros, and plenty of other silliness made for a very lively evening indeed with just the right level of decorum maintained thanks to the presence of bartender Tom doing a very professional job whilst also allowing the fun to flow…..
The festivities were also enjoyed by a visiting dignitary, The Baron of Boldmere (England) and his delightful family, who just appeared on the scene by chance on their way to the coast. Whilst not quite at the 'party mode' level maintained by the "beautiful people from S.F.", The Baron and his wife the lovely Lady Ann-Marie, plus their coke-swilling brood of youngsters seemed to enjoy a marvelous time and had nothing but pleasantries to say about their Boonville experience. After sleeping outside the bar - in their luxurious RV I hasten to add, not on the side walk - they were last seen driving out of town on Saturday lunchtime with smiles on their faces and lots of new friends made. As The Baron commented, "Thanks for a wonderful time…what a malarkey !" (which I believe is a good thing)…..
On Thursday I flew out to the coast and inadvertently tuned into the sounds provided by KMFB / 92.7 FM as opposed to the channels I normally listen to on such trips - The Coast, KOZT / 95.3 FM. or our local public radio station, KZYX / 90.7 FM … and what an interesting mix it was. Apart from the obvious hits of the Beatles, Stones, Dylan, etc there was a great selection of 60's and 70's British "vintage rock" from the likes of The Animals, Manfred Mann, The Kinks, The Dave Clark Five, Herman's Hermits, plus a healthy number of Motown classics to round it off…and very few commercials… I highly recommend it, although I should say that I'm not sure if it's like this all the time...Anyway, if that's the kind of 'stuff' you like then happy listening to you…..
I found the following paragraph from The Onion satirical publication most illuminating.… 'AFL-CIO vice president Linda Chavez-Thompson, representing the American Federation of Interrogation Torturers, released a statement Monday deriding the CIA's "extraordinary rendition" program, under which American torturing jobs are outsourced to foreign markets. "Outsourcing the task of interrogating terror suspects to countries like Egypt, Syria, and Saudi Arabia is having a crippling effect on the Americans who make a living by stripping detainees nude, shackling them to the floor, and beating the living shit out of them," Chavez-Thompson said. "And specialists such as corrosive-material chemists, ocular surgeons, and testicular electricians are lucky to find any jobs at all. How are they supposed to feed their families?" '…Funny stuff in a serious kind of way.....
Since last week's column wherein I humbly suggested people try to work the word "mattoid" into their conversation when referring to "someone insane since birth" I have heard it used on several occasions around the Valley - a couple of times in an uncannily accurate way I must say ... very encouraging. With this in mind I believe "lycanthropist" could be the word of the week on this occasion. For those who are unaware of the meaning of the word, or who are not lycanthropists themselves, this is "an insane person who believes he or she is a wolf"…Now that you know, I'm sure you'll find it useful…..
On Sunday afternoon, as the rains continued to fall, I attended the event at The Grange to raise funds to help send home the four young men who were killed last week in the tragic auto accident in Philo. The community certainly had rallied round to provide some great Mexican food and drinks and despite the awful weather the attendance was good and hopefully the event was a financial success. All being well, this money, together with the donations already collected over the past week from the public, friends, and co-workers, will be sufficient to get them to their home state of Michoacan in Mexico.....
Also present at the event, along with a large representation from the Mexican community, were a number of local acquaintances of mine I had not seen for some time including the self-proclaimed "King of Boonville" and his lovely wife, Paige with newborn daughter Camille; our esteemed Editor and Publisher, Mr. Severn; Steve Mize the local Backhoe King and Sharon Sullivan from the Roederer Vineyards where the four guys were employed; a neighbor who resides not far from The Nest, Linda Brennan; and birthday boy and local electrician extraordinaire, Laddie "The Pole" Kalinowski accompanied by his fiancée, the lovely Bridget Sushi-Reily, and friends Anna K and Coach Schrider of A.V.H.S. Football fame… There were many others too numerous to mention but all had a similar idea on this particular afternoon - to pay their respects and to do their little bit towards seeing that the young men would be able to reach their final resting place of choice...It was a special time…..
Wine of the Week - Just has to be the Husch Cabernet Sauvignon which, when swirling around your mouth accompanied by some delicious medium-rare T-bone steak, is a wonderful thing I can assure you…..Whine of the Week - "My road is so muddy"…..
Well, as I come to the end of this week's 'effort' I have the gnawing feeling that I have not brought my 'A' game to the keyboard on this occasion. Hey, I assume this can happen - as an old scholarly friend of mine, who knew his Latin, once said, "You're entitled to an off-day, Turkey Vulture, even Homer nodded… " I think I understood. So what's done is done and all I need to add is a fond farewell to Pope John Paul II whose legacy I believe will have many positive results to offset a number of the negatives. In fact ,according to one expert in this field of my acquaintance, he's "the best Pope we've had since Gregory XV" …With that said, I bid you all a wonderful week of preying and may your God go with you... kind regards, Turkey Vulture…..
p.s. Although some may disagree, it cannot be too bad a column when the word "Latin" appears twice - hey, last week the phrase "I'd rather kiss a bear's ass" was included !…