#64 - March 29th, 2006

The 15th Annual Variety Show will no doubt be reported on in greater detail elsewhere in this newspaper but I do have the distinct pleasure of awarding the annual Turkey Vulture awards - far from satisfactory this year, I’m afraid, as I was only able make it to the second night’s performance…So, remembering that is only my opinion, here they are…(For Saturday only), the “Best Act – Musical” goes to Mike Arago and his Hawaiian music and dance. It was very enjoyable indeed and as he himself said, “This award probably makes me the County’s top Hawaiian act…perhaps because I am the only one!”…”Best Act – Drama” is awarded to The Phantom of the Operetta with its atmospheric set, eerie music, and splendidly dramatic performances by Mike Crutcher and sister, Julia…And finally, “Best supporting performance in an Ensemble Act” goes to David Norfleet for his subtle yet riveting and very believable role as Head of Boontling Security in the “George W.” act… Special mention should also go to the three performers in “Cantina in Tijuana” who coped admirably and in good humor with the technical difficulties they had to endure – the sort of problems which are just part of the rich tapestry that is a real variety show. Speaking to people outside it would seem that the show was a success once again and many congratulations should go to the people who made it happen and the acts who clearly had all put in so much effort…..
What is the verdict on the tasteful addition to the downtown landscape of Boonville? My associates (not myself, I hasten to add) at The Highpockety Ox, the new pub/bar soon to open at the site formerly occupied by the Buckhorn Saloon, have done a wonderful job with their sign out front. It is one of the best pub signs I have seen. One can only hope that none of those Napa-types will see it and decide to duplicate it at some venue on Highway 29 in their pursuit of the Boontification of their Valley…..
As I headed to the Coast last Thursday I had just left Navarro heading north on Highway 128 when, on the long open stretch of road around the 13-mile marker, I spotted what I thought was a small rock on the road in the middle of the southbound lane. On drawing level with the object I realized it was no rock, it was a tortoise! Not something you see everyday, I can assure you… I instinctively glanced up at the road ahead of me and saw a large truck carrying lumber about 1200 feet ahead and approaching fast. It was weird but I knew what I had to do…
I immediately braked and screeched into a u-turn. Seconds later I was facing south and, switching on my hazard lights, I drove slowly back to where the tortoise was taking a break from its casual saunter across the highway. It would be many minutes before the relative safety of the brush could be reached if I did not step in to help. There was nowhere to pull off the road so I stopped in the middle of the lane, a few feet in front of the still resting tortoise, and looked in my rear-view mirror. The truck was probably about 300 feet away and thankfully was now finally slowing down. I stepped out of my vehicle and approached the tortoise. I bent down and its head popped back under its shell as I picked it up. I walked to the edge of the highway and then several yards into the undergrowth. I placed it down amongst some luscious grass. Out popped its head and I returned to the road…
The truck had just pulled up behind me so I waved to the driver who acknowledged me with a nod and an inquisitive look. He had not seen what I had done and was probably confused as to why I had stopped in the middle of the lane and then walked into the trees for such a brief moment. I didn’t think he’d care so I decided not to explain what had happened. I drove off back into Navarro before turning around, this time legally, and resuming my journey to the Coast…..
As I drove through the magnificent redwoods it suddenly occurred to me that this episode was some sort of message. It’s a strange event indeed when a Turkey Vulture helps a living creature off the road rather than waiting for it to be crushed into the tarmac before heartily devouring it. Such an act of ‘kindness’ was most disturbing to an accomplished bird of prey such as myself…..
Following the recent “Turkey Vulture Debates” in this esteemed, yet shrunken organ, along with my belief that with the increased editing the column’s ‘spirit’ had been lost (along with some of the fun I used to get in writing it), I wondered if this episode was some sort of ‘warning’. Caring for potential carrion – had I forgotten my roots?. Had I lost my 'edge'?... My thoughts meandered along with the road on which I traveled and I wondered, “Perhaps ‘my work’ here is done for now and I need a break to reassess the situation”…Or had I simply consumed too much of my medication for the treatment of bird flu and the “act of kindness” was in fact the reckless exploit of a Vulture on drugs?…I couldn’t possibly comment…..
Either way, I do have to make a visit to Europe for a time in order to see an Avian Flu specialist by the name of Dr. Quack. Apparently, the deadly virus is passed on through inhaling dried wildfowl feces - something I have not done since the reckless days of my youth so it is a mystery how I became infected. Anyway, whatever the outcome, I can assure you that, if I survive, I will return…
I would imagine that The Supreme Commander at The A.V.A. will be able to cope without me, particularly with both dutiful daughter Saffron and faithful henchman Corporal Scaramella at his side, not to mention his merry band of loyal disciples…In the not too distant future I do hope to return to the world of Vulture-journalism, either in these pages or those of a publication which gives its readers a chance to hear about the wide spectrum of life in Anderson Valley…..
I much appreciate the “Gang of Three” for giving me the opportunity to share my “Bird’s Eye View”….Special thanks to the A.V.A. readers who take the trouble to read Turkey Vulture and those who have written to The A.V.A. and turkeyvulture1@earthlink.net offering their comments and opinions…And my particular gratitude goes to the many Valley folks who have spoken to me on my travels and offered their support and encouragement...Until my return I hope to keep in touch via www.theturkeyvulture.blogspot.com … So, good readers, stay out of the ditches; think good thoughts; and may your god go with you…I believe that’s all for now and it only remains for me to suggest - ”let us prey”… humbly yours, Turkey Vulture…..

#63 - March 22nd, 2006

As I sat feverishly sweating in my nest last Wednesday evening I was presented with the new issue of the A.V.A., which had hit the streets earlier in the day. Despite its reduced size, this flimsy organ still felt heavy as I turned the pages with my weak claws. Having read my favorite part of the paper, “Sheriff’s Log”, and finding that my name had once again been omitted, I turned to the letters page and was very surprised to discover a number of letters all concerned with the “misunderstanding” that my humble-self and the Powers-that-Be at the A.V.A. have been embroiled in over recent weeks.
Some of the correspondence was very supportive, as were a number of comments sent to turkeyvulture1@earthlink.net... Other letters were from readers who appeared to be not great admirers of Turkey Vulture. Weird, eh? Some readers even suggested I was some sort of scavenger who received free ‘gifts’ on my visits to the bars and restaurants in the area. “Scavenger” I like, but only if it’s deserved and I have yet to receive a morsel or a sip from anyone – I’ve been a very bad Vulture…..
It has been shown many times in the annals of history that if people are told something often enough they will eventually begin to believe it, whether it’s true or not. When I talk about enjoying a good local wine with a fine meal (or perhaps a local beer with a burrito) at some venue in the Valley, I am merely mentioning a pleasant experience that others might also hopefully enjoy at some point. Yet this is seen as endorsing the “Napafication” of Anderson Valley. If this is interpreted as such, and then repeated enough times, some people will begin to believe it…..
To those readers who have apparently fallen for this basic, yet effective, propaganda tactic, I extend an invitation to visit me here. We can meet up at the new Starbucks in town and you can stay at the local Motel 6. Then, if I ever get any, we can eat and drink all of the complimentary food and alcohol I am given as we watch the pigs flying over the Mall …..
On to a more pleasant matter about which there is surely no controversy - the wonderful St. Patrick’s Day Dinner put on by The Seniors last Friday night… For “earlys” I had enjoyed a couple of pints of Poleeko Gold Pale Ale at the A.V. Brewery Tasting Room in the company of many of the usual suspects, most of whom were also going to the Dinner. We headed over to the Senior Center and in no time at all I was devouring a very tasty corned beef and cabbage dinner, very efficiently served by O’John. I was feeling in a celebratory mood but, despite the very festive atmosphere and traditional flowing of beer and wine, nobody wanted to join me in singing some Irish classics such as ‘Danny Boy’, ‘Molly Malone’, and my personal favorite, ‘Seven Drunken Nights’. I retired to the bar…..
Top barman, Olie Erickson, was in charge and did a fine job in dealing with the revelers, ensuring we all had a great time as we enjoyed a “good drink” together. For me the evening had a familiar end to it when, just as at the Crab Feed a couple of weeks ago, my designated driver and I were herded to the door by a very understanding Eddie Pardini – once again we were the last people to leave…Many thanks to all those who worked so hard to put the event on and hopefully a big chunk of cash was added to the funds needed for the Senior Center’s new marquee…We headed to The Boonville Lodge for “lates” and on the way a naked…(continued on page 74)…..
Meanwhile, I am still ill and, even although I was out and about in Boonville on a couple of occasions in the past week, I am a little concerned with the state of my health at this point. I have a fever, a sore throat, and some conjunctivitis – all classic symptoms of the ‘bird flu’ and I may have to consult a specialist sometime soon…I’ll keep you posted because I know you care…..
Oh dear, my word count limit has been surpassed so I should bid you farewell. It seems as if I have just said “hello” and now it’s time for “goodbye” - such is life at the ‘new’ A.V.A. I have to take my medications anyway so it’s probably a good thing – you don’t need to read my gibberish when I’m under the influence of drugs…
Let us prey…Humbly yours, Turkey Vulture…..

#62 - March 15th, 2006

Greetings, good readers. Yes, I’m still here, hanging on by the tip of my beak despite a feeling that the A.V.A. hierarchy no longer embraces me with open arms. Hopefully, unlike last week when it was mysteriously changed, this article will appear under its long-standing and correct title of “Bird’s Eye View” – strange goings on, wouldn’t you say?...Meanwhile the column has certainly lost a little of its “sparkle” since the enforced cutbacks in length were introduced a month or so ago and, with increased editing, it is not the quality hack-writing and free-flowing gibberish it used to be. Nevertheless, for now I remain, and may be there will have to be snowfall on the rooftops in Boonville before I am “disappeared”…(Ooops!)…..
Meanwhile, whilst not wishing to alarm you too much, I have been a little under the weather over the past few days and am unable to contribute a full column this week. Don’t panic - it’s just a touch of avian flu, nothing to worry about I’m sure. As a result, I have not been “out and about” on my travels and have little to report on…..
Have a wonderful St. Patrick’s Day - “enjoy yourselves and stay out of the ditches”…But before you do so, “let us prey”…Humbly yours, Turkey Vulture…..

#61 - March 8th, 2006

Aaah, it’s good to be back to ‘normal’ after last week’s public washing of dirty laundry. These things happen and will probably happen again at some point but for now I will humbly submit my thoughts and observations to The Powers that Be and keep my claws crossed that nobody gets their underpants in a twist….
Moving on…A week or so ago I spent a very pleasant evening at the first in a series of planned gatherings for the staff who “toil” at the various winery tasting rooms in the Valley. This event was hosted by the good people at Meyer Family Cellars and featured not only their own excellent syrah and port but also a selection of wines donated by various Valley vineyards. With a luscious ham, a good range of cheeses, fresh salads, and excellent brownies, together with a little ping-pong or bocce ball for the more “athletic”, a fun time was had by all. Many thanks to Matt and Bonnie Meyer, who together with staff members Karen and Bridget were most gracious hosts. The next get-together will be at Scharffenberger Cellars at the end of March. I assure you that I shall be there in my capacity as investigative reporter and not just as someone who just scavenges for fine wines and food…..
Just days later a gathering of a different, yet equally as enjoyable kind took place at the Apple Hall in downtown Boonville - The Crab Feed. The event was reported in last week’s Valley People section but I just wanted to add my gratitude to the organizers from the Senior Center. The crab was delicious and plentiful, the wines only ran out at the very, very end (I know), and hopefully, with the event once again a sellout, the Senior Center made a substantial amount for their cause. The Crab Feed is my favorite Valley event with its cross-section of our community in attendance and many familiar faces to spot and friendships to catch up on. For the second year in succession I was the last guest to leave and, considering I was one of the first to arrive, you can correctly assume that I had my money’s worth. When the usual organizers, The Catholic Church, backed out it was the Seniors who stepped in and saved the event - many thanks to them from three hundred happy crab-crackers…..
Talking about The Catholic Church I should mention that they still put on the Barn Sale held the last weekend of every month at a venue just north of Boonville on Anderson Valley Way. The event runs from 9am - 3pm on both Saturday and Sunday and, apart from the numerous bargains, there is Eva Holcomb in the kitchen with husband Bill on the grill serving up a damn good burger with all the fixin’s plus a small bag of chips for just $3.50. Yes, folks, you read it correctly, $3.50!...It’s all for a good cause and you’ll have a good time – I’m prepared to guarantee it!.....
Finally this week, on a personal note, I feel I should inform you that I am about to become employed, albeit in an advisory and merely part-time capacity, at the new bar in town - The Highpockety Ox. As a result of my many years of experience in the bar/restaurant business, the new owner, Jason Schrider, showing great insight and wisdom, or perhaps a huge lack of judgment, wants me to become his consultant/adviser. For the film buffs amongst you, I see the position as a sort of Consiglieri (Robert Duvall) to his Godfather (Marlon Brando). Now I understand the skeptics out there will assume that this will result in a loss of objectivity, or at least a certain bias in my comments regarding the bar and restaurant scene in and around The Valley. Hopefully, this will not be the case as I endeavor to call it as I see it when discussing this important topic…Anyway, I just thought you should be the first to know of my plans….
Meanwhile, let us prey…Humbly yours, Turkey Vulture…..

#60 - March 1st, 2006

Numerous people have asked me, either in person or by e-mail to turkeyvulture1@earthlink.net , about my reaction to the Editor’s ‘attack’ on my good self at the end of my column last week. Many of them also seemed concerned about Mr. Severn’s general well-being. For my full response please check out the Letters Page where hopefully it has been printed in its entirety. Meanwhile I can only hope that Mr. Severn, like many of us are prone to do, was simply having a bad day at the time of his tirade. He has no doubt been working very hard to ensure that this newspaper can stay afloat. I appreciate his efforts.…With that in mind, and with space taken up by my reply elsewhere, this week’s column will end here, hopefully to return next week with a complete “Bird’s Eye View” for your edification…..Now, for your god’s sake, “let us prey”…Humbly yours, Turkey Vulture…..

From The Letters Page of The Anderson Valley Advertiser, March 1st, 2006
To Mr. Severn and whomever else it may concern….I read with great interest the editor’s comments at the end of my column last week and, based on his illogical rant, it would appear that I have been ‘rattling his cage’ for some time. I had no idea. I was in his H.Q. just the afternoon before last week’s issue “hit the streets”, face to face with the man, and yet not one word was said on this matter. I wonder why. It’s not as if I would have gouged his eyes out with my beak – well, certainly not with Major Scaramella sitting faithfully at his side… Anyway, rather than including my response in “A Bird’s Eye View”, I thought it more appropriate to write a reply to the Letter’s Page where, believing Mr. Severn to be a man of integrity, I am confident it will be printed in full…..
Firstly let me say I was troubled by his strange comment, “I find him (Turkey Vulture) hard to read and seldom do.” Numerous readers have commented on this ‘confession’ and join me in wondering if that’s the case why should he get so upset by the column and how can he judge it so definitively? It’s too bad he cannot read my efforts as, I respectfully suggest, it might help him relax a little and perhaps restore some of the sense of humor he has clearly mislaid. My own funny bone was tickled when he commented that I have a local Valley perspective that is far removed from his “sense of propriety and value” - a little melodramatic on his behalf but, If true, then I can certainly live with it…
In my defense I feel I must dispute his comments regarding my reaction to the recent reduction in the newspapers size. He says that ”almost everyone rallied to the paper’s support to help us survive. Everyone, that is, except the Turkey man”…What a load of nonsense!...Certainly in the last few columns I have made comments, in an obvious “Vutlure-esque style”, about the hierarchy here at The A.V.A. and their role in the unfortunate reduction in the size of my column. In keeping with that “style”, some of these comments were in jest, some had a mild ‘edge’ to them and questioned the editorial decision-making, and some, unfortunately, were edited out. However, my remarks were certainly in keeping with the way the column has always been written. The “whining” and “bragging” I indulged in are an integral part of the Turkey Vulture persona – hence “The Whine of the Week” and the curmudgeonly attitude that is sometimes displayed. Being a complaining, “know-it-all”, wise-ass is part of what Turkey Vulture is about. What self-respecting, opinionated Turkey Vulture would passively accept being cut down in size? It has nothing to do with any serious lack of support for this newspaper…..
Like many others who enjoy their weekly dose of the A.V.A., I was disappointed to hear of the decision but in the January 25th issue I wrote, “although I understand the reasoning behind it, I find it a terrible shame that the ‘Powers that Be’ here at the A.V.A. have deemed it necessary to reduce the size of their esteemed organ. Despite finding myself in disagreement with them on various issues, I have great respect and admiration for the efforts made by The Gang of Three in keeping this ‘Institution’ alive…Supreme Commander Severn, along with his loyal and able sidekick, Colonel Scaramella, and daughter, Saffron, do a fantastic job each week in producing this unique publication. I am personally grateful for being included in this venture and would like to think that most of our readers will remain loyal and continue to give their support despite the reduced format”…Then in the February 8th issue I stated, “I will endeavor to do my best and continue to concentrate mostly on the Anderson Valley matters not covered by others”…To me, these remarks seem supportive of the newspaper and its staff – a rallying call if ever I heard one. …..
Mr. Severn believes I am a ”cheerleader” for the Napafication of our Valley. This is absolute gibberish. I am for small business, not big. Like him, I am all for the sustenance of this community’s “preciousness and beauty” but, perhaps unlike him, I feel that there is some room for improvements in terms of the commercial/social scene and, based on the opinions of many people I meet everyday in the Valley, I am not alone…I have certainly written positive words concerning the wine produced locally, the many local eateries, and the Valley’s brewery. A large number of people in our community work in the service, beer, or wine industry, or certainly have a relative, loved one, or close friend who does…Wouldn’t you agree, Mr. Severn?
Other than that, regular readers will be well aware that my column is almost exclusively full of positive comments about this Valley and the people who reside here. From the brewery to the wineries; the senior citizens to the high school sports; the post office employees to the County Dump; the restaurants to the general stores; the public radio station to The A.V.A. itself; etc; etc; - all are covered almost always with a big ‘thumbs-up” from me. Those who have ‘incurred my wrath’ have been the tourists, the poor-driving visitors, county officials, outsiders in general, and recently, with tongue somewhat in cheek, the A.V.A. hierarchy…
Mr. Severn clearly has a lot on his plate right now as he fights to keep the A.V.A. alive. He is mistaken if he believes that I am seriously harassing him and intentionally adding to his woes. One wonders if the “Powers that Be” are trying to squeeze me out. I hope they don’t, but they certainly have the power to do so. As he points out, when remarking on his recent throwing of a section of my column in the trash, “maybe that’s what I should do with the whole (Turkey Vulture) article”…What with his revelation of his hands clenched around his own throat to signify how much he has had it with me, together with his desire to throw things about his office, it would appear that perhaps Mr. Severn is a little over-worked and stressed out…..
As I’ve said many times before, ‘A Bird’s Eye View” is just the opinions of a hack writer who gets out and about in the Valley more than most and is therefore able to offer, somewhat irreverently and perhaps amusingly, some different viewpoints to those held by others who write herein. The column hopefully entertains and informs and is presented in an easily read, ‘light’ style, contrasting well with much of the A.V.A.’s more well-written and ‘heavier’ articles. Surely a more complete newspaper, serving the whole community, is the result.....
In the big scheme of things none of this is of any real importance. Although he probably doesn’t give a bear’s ass whether I do or not, I think I would like Mr. Severn if I knew him. We have had virtually no interaction in the time I have been contributing to his newspaper. In the brief social situations I’ve had with them, I certainly like Saffron, his grandsons, and their new puppy, Hank. Again, not that any of them give a hog’s snout whether I do or not. Mr. Severn does not know me, or my loved ones, or the vast majority of people in my life. However, I’m sure if we had a chat over morning coffee we might possibly find some areas of common thought….
Anyway…enough of this….I assume Mr. Severn will reply to this response but, unless he” hits me well below the belt”, I shall not be replying again. I have said all I want to say and would hate to think of this newspaper slipping into sensationalist, tabloid journalism….”See you at The Mosswood Market for coffee, David, and may be afterwards we could prey together”…..Yours sincerely, Turkey Vulture…