#35 - August 31st, 2005

What's happenin' dudes and dudettes ?…Nothin' ?…Then perhaps you have time to read the following words of "wisdom"…..
In recent times when visiting the Philo Post Office on a sunny day, like many others I'm sure, I always found it a pleasure to be greeted by the friendly wave of Thelma Pinoli and husband Johnnie from their porch next door. Thus, despite her recent passing, it was heartwarming this past week to see Johnnie sat out there and to be met with his wave and smile. "Yer gotta like that" - thanks, Johnnie, good to see you…..
"Eating out is fun" is a statement I have made here many times. However, if a recent item handed to me by one of my intrepid reporters is to be believed then the fun may soon be at an end…"Protesting years of discriminatory treatment at the hands of America's restaurants and stores, an estimated 800,000 shirtless and shoeless citizens marched on the nation's capital Monday to demand equal-service rights."…Come on now guys, even I make an effort to dress for dinner…..
I mentioned here a couple of weeks ago that I had attended the 60th birthday bash of local raconteur and stuntman, David Boglingerer who now informs me that his resume, or curriculum vitae for the Latin scholars amongst you, needs to be updated. Apparently as a result of the many hours he has spent in the hills and pastures of Bell Valley, just east of our own Anderson Valley on the way to Ukiah, he became enthralled by the varying types of excrement he discovered on his 'walkabouts'. He assures me that this is a fascinating area for study and recently gave a most illuminating talk on the subject to an enraptured group at The T.R. (The Tasting Room at The Anderson Valley Brewery). So now I am obliged to make an addition to his resume and inform you that he is officially a scatologist and no doubt a very good one…..
Talking of local raconteurs, I know I am not the only one out and about on the social scene of The Valley who has at some point felt 'trapped' by the incessant ramblings of 'those who make a short story long". I'm not sure exactly why this seems to occur, perhaps it's because our socialization here is somewhat intermittent rather than the continual interaction of city life and therefore when we get an 'audience' we want to hang onto it - whatever the reason it has to be stopped… It's only my opinion of course but knowing when to "get in and get out" with your comments without "boring the ass off" your listeners is a social skill we could all use. I'm sure some of you, on rare occasions presumably, have wanted me to shut up. Hopefully I sensed this and managed to "smile and walk away from the microphone" before your boredom levels were pushed too far...To ensure it doesn't happen, I propose, perhaps controversially, a "three sentence rule" to be enforced throughout the social gathering places of The Valley when discussion groups of three or more are gathered. (Hopefully, in one-on-one situations the boredom level will eventually become very apparent although even in this scenario the 'message' does not always get through to the orator)…I should also add that anyone over sixty will be exempt from following this rule because in my opinion they can say whatever they like for as long as they want to - besides the listener can always walk/run away - not that I'm proposing that, of course…..
We have many excellent story-tellers in our midst with wonderful tales to tell and the proposal is not aimed at them. If it's an interesting anecdote which has everyone's attention then obviously the "rule" should not be enforced. However, perhaps it should be applied if the storyteller is saying how they "drove into the A.V. Market in Boonville to get some milk and found that the refrigerator had been moved from the near aisle to the far aisle so instead of going there first I went to the produce section which was nearer and there I found some wonderful tomatoes, not the usual Roma tomatoes which I prefer because they were so sweet, but some other kind, for nearly half the price, which is good because I'm only working part-time since my accident, but I'm doing much better, and so anyway, after getting the tomatoes I went down the aisle to the left..no, to the right..or was it the left ?..no, no, no, it was the left.. where I found the milk and there was fat free, 2% fat, or skimmed and I didn't know which to get as I'm trying to diet because the neighbor who had weighed 300 pounds has lost so much weight and she said cutting down on 'dairy' was a big help, but I'm going to diet gradually as my brother, who loves to eat out at restaurants, is coming to stay with me and therefore it's going to be hard to diet strictly whilst he is here, although he does insist on going barefoot everywhere, even though he owns some very good brown hiking boots, or are they black ?..no, they are brown with black laces..no, no, no, black with brown laces, that's it..anyway I bought them for him for his birthday but he won't wear them so maybe he won't go out to eat very often as most places will not serve him without any shoes on, unless the 'equal-service rights' bill for the shoeless and shirtless is passed and he hopes it will be as he went to Washington D.C., our nation's capital, to join the recent march and he was arrested but it was not his fault because… " …(continued on page 74)…..
Know what I mean ?…In the N.B.A. when a player has been illegally in the paint (close to the basket) for more than three seconds without making a shot the referee blows his whistle whilst holding up three fingers to explain his decision to give a change of possession, thus enforcing the "three second rule". I propose that in a scenario where the speaker is "making a short story long" and his yarn has meandered on and on such as the one above, then "the three sentence rule" can be applied by one of the listening group holding up three fingers. At this point the speaker would gracefully end their 'soliloquy' and everyone, including the offender, has a good laugh at his predicament…Please note that the "three sentence" length is an arbitrary amount and is not meant as a firm rule, merely a rough guideline - trust me, you'll know when to raise your fingers…Surely our leisure time and valuable interaction with friends should not be spent listening to tedious tales full of irrelevant, self-indulgent clap-trap whilst we politely stand by without any recourse. I fully realize that this is a subject which is somewhat taboo and that it will probably really only work amongst friends but it's time it was exposed and the blowhards brought to task - most of us are here not to be lectured at but rather to have discussions with…
I just thought I'd throw this out there for debate before I submit the 'rule' to "The Committee" for their undoubted approval and it's enactment into local law. Meanwhile, before receiving the obvious and inevitable response that I should apply the 'rule' to my writings I would defend myself by saying simply that I'm merely trying to help, and besides, you pay less than three cents for the gobbledygook I offer every week and you should get your money's worth - I may be cruel but I try to be fair… Finally, if I am ever in your company and am guilty of this 'crime' of making a short story long, I sincerely look forward to you giving me the "three fingers" - I'll gladly buy you a beer for your troubles !…
O.K. that's it for my Whine of the Week, now it's time for the Wine of the Week… With regards to the recent Valley social scene, the reason I have so little to report is that I have been away for four days attending a wedding and this is where I came across a delightful wine from here in the Valley. The event was a very plush affair and with the dessert course they served a top class 2002 Zinfandel from the Esterlina Winery on Holmes Ranch Road between Philo and Navarro. Paired with the Belgian chocolate truffles it was perfect and well worth the strange look I received when I asked for more of both - for the third time. Get yourself some too !…..
That's enough of this gibberish, I must go…School started just two days ago and I'm already way behind with my homework assignments. So quickly gather round and "Let us prey"…I'm outta here, humbly yours…Turkey Vulture…..

#34 - August 24th, 2005

Greetings one and all…Now I'm sure that some amongst you believe that I occasionally hang out with a number of disreputable characters. I take it as a compliment and far be it from me to deny such goings-on. However, as I've said many times before, "it's not all glamour" and I have to admit that I also actually spend quite a bit of time with a number of fine, upstanding citizens as I fly in and around the Valley. Nobel prize-winners, Labyrinth and Maze experts, world class Brewers, connoisseur Wine-makers, specialist Farmers, master Shepherds, virtuoso Chefs - the list goes on and on. Just this past week I spent a pleasant afternoon sipping fine wines with none other than the 1994-95 football and basketball mascot of the Wildcats of Northwestern University in Evanston, Illinois ! Impressive, eh ? She is a most delightful, not to mention very attractive, young Wildcat. Her companion happened to be a Wolverine from Michigan who complained about the difficulty he was having in walking because of sharp pains in his lower back. During our conversation the pretty and voluptuous Wildcat saucily implied on more than one occasion that the Wolverine's problem was as a result of their "activities" together. I couldn't possibly comment on her remarks in a respectable publication such as this, but I'd have to believe that if these "activities" were the cause of his difficulties then the Wolverine should just grin and bare it…..
I was in the 'crowd' on Saturday night as the school soccer season opened with a fund-raising exhibition game featuring the 2005 High School team playing against a very strong team of recently departed students - The Alumni Team. In front of a disappointingly small crowd it was an exciting encounter with goals galore. The Alumni team took a 2-0 lead with two hotly disputed goals (both clearly offside from my viewpoint) but the determined youngsters came storming back with two of their own to equalize after thirty minutes. Then just before the break the Alumni scored again to take a 3-2 lead. The High School clearly listened to their coaches' advice at half-time as they came out and scored twice in the first fifteen minutes of the second half giving them a 4-3 lead and it looked like they might achieve a famous victory. However, two key players went off injured and their lack of experience began to let them down as they went for more goals instead of concentrating on sound defense to protect their lead. The more disciplined Alumni players slowly took control and had numerous chances before scoring two late goals to secure a deserved 5-4 victory. Despite the result, it was a very creditable performance by the High School and the upcoming season should see them challenge for the division title and maybe make a good run in the play-offs. The first game of the regular season is tomorrow, Thursday, Aug 25th in Middletown, with the team's first home game coming up on the first day of school - next Monday, August 29th against Upper Lake, kick-off at 4.30pm at the High School. Come on down and watch our boys kick some Lakeside-Dwelling ass !…..
Moving on…For myself, and many of my ilk, a feeling of great anticipation accompanied last week's news that The County Dump on Mountain View Road just west of Boonville will be extending its opening hours. From September 1st it will now be open from 9am to 4pm, four days a week - Tuesday, Wednesday, and at weekends. Dump Guy Ron will no doubt have his work cut out but hopefully he will be well rewarded by his County employers…or may be not. This might explain his rather serious demeanor last week although perhaps his mood was more likely the result of having to deal with a dead animal being dumped. He didn't say, but he should know by now that if this occurs he can always ask me for any assistance in dealing with such an exciting situation…..
Talking of dead animals, which I do, in last week's letters' page a certain Stewart Bowen wrote about a 'buzzard' being killed in Suisun Valley when it flew into power lines. Although he 'kindly' suggested that the editor should forewarn me that perhaps I should not read the letter, this message was not relayed to me and my loved ones…Thus I was not only shocked to read such a sad and tragic story but also disturbed that the author of this tale found it amusing and necessary to comment that the body of the 'buzzard' was placed on a burn-pile and hence the bird was "twice-fried". Firstly I am disappointed that Mr. Bowen referred to the bird as a 'buzzard' - it was not I can assure you. It was most certainly a turkey vulture. More seriously, I'm saddened that somebody was entertained at the demise of my favorite cousin, Bert, because up here at The Nest we have been grieving the loss of this most noble of preying birds and one of the finest carrion-munchers in northern California…and he was always good to his Mum too…Bless him…..
"Thank you, Vulture…That's a case of beer I owe ya !". These were the first words I heard when picking up the phone yesterday morning. It was my friend, Hoss, calling from his home in Texas. Some of you may remember reading about him a couple of weeks ago in this column. He is the Vietnam Veteran I mentioned who was outraged at the lack of media coverage on the terrible effects the war in Iraq is having over here on the loved ones of those soldiers who have been killed… On this occasion Hoss insisted on assuring me that just days after my column appeared in the A.V.A. the national press were suddenly all over the protest, in the vicinity of G. Dubya's ranch in good old Crawford, Texas, led by Cindy Sheehan, who has lost her son in the war. Hoss was very encouraged by this and like many others believes it will hopefully lead to more protests nationwide and a massive damnation of the continuance of this war. Hoss was joking, sort of, about the effect my few words had had but all the same he was in a wonderfully positive mood about the turn of events. When a friend suffers from the kind of problems he has, as a result of his experiences of war, it was joyful to hear his booming, rebellious voice and its positive tone once again…Perhaps the 'powers that be' will finally begin to pay attention to the Hoss's and Cindy Sheehan's of the world. These 'little' people have the support of many, many Americans and those in the Bush administration need to have this fact shoved both in front of their smug faces and up their deceitful asses…..
People I'd Prey With : The delightful Ducklips, who you may have seen working at The Redwood Drive-In…She's always a pleasure to talk to and often has a story to tell about the old Valley days; she's self-effacing and smart and has a refreshingly true sense of herself, and "yer gotta like that !"…Plus, she always seems pleased to see me, which will always get you some extra votes in this category !…And what about Donna Gallo ? - our very own hair stylist who owns and runs The Hair Station in downtown Boonville. Donna, originally from Texas but for many years a resident of San Francisco, caters to all ages and does a fine job, which includes clipping my own feathers once a month - not an easy task I must say. Appointments can be made at 895-2414 and you won't be disappointed…Why go to someone in Ft Bragg or Ukiah if you can see someone here for the same price who's just as good, if not better ? Plus, as I've said many times before, "it feels good to support a local business !"
With that said, it would be topical for me to add another of my favorite sayings, "Eating out is fun !" - so please support your local restaurant…Meanwhile, I believe it's that time again…Let us prey…..Kind regards, Turkey Vulture…..
p.s. The word "ass" has been mentioned twice in this column. I would normally apologize for such behavior but on reflection, in each case, it was the only word that really worked…..
p.p.s. I don't know if I've mentioned this before, but in case you haven't noticed there's a Hummingbird who flies around this Valley who has a great ass…oops, strike three !…..

#33 - August 17th, 2005

Greetings one and all !…It gives me great pleasure to... but more of that some other time….Meanwhile this past Saturday I had planned to be at The Hangar Party on Airport Road and offer some advice on various flying techniques to the numerous pilots in attendance. Unfortunately, I was unavoidably detained up here at The Nest by a 'lady ' Vulture who urgently required my services and thus I failed to get there…However, I have since spoken to numerous friends who did show up and apparently the pilots managed perfectly well without me and gave many thrills to those who were given rides up and down the Valley in their planes. One such thrill-seeker told me excitedly, " I had sucked down a few beers but I was sober enough to take some photographs. It was just great to look down and see the Valley from up there." He then thoughtfully, yet mournfully, added, " I wish I was a Turkey Vulture and could do this every day". I handed him a cold beer, put my wing around him, and whispered in a comforting tone, " I am and I do, but it's not all glamour, you know". This seemed to help.… The pot luck dinner which followed was also a big success and I have been asked to pass on the appreciation of many to those who organized this community-wide and unique event…I am determined not to miss it next year - no matter how tempted I may be to come to the aid of a Vulturess in distress…..
"Signs that Armageddon is approaching" : Two signs have surfaced in the past week, both arriving on my desk via unconfirmed reports out of the White House - # 104…'The White House denied rumors of wrongdoing by anyone named Karl Rove Monday, saying the alleged deputy chief of staff does not exist'….And # 105… 'President Bush unveiled an aggressive initiative Monday that would make the U.S. free of petroleum dependence by the year 4920, less than three millennia from now'.
If you are a non-demanding, easy-to-please man living in the Valley and looking for love/companionship then you perhaps you'd be interested to meet this prospective partner from a recent Personals column. She writes - 'Philo woman, a known trouble-maker, gets slit-eyed and obnoxious after a few rum and cokes, seeks handsome, wealthy gentleman for bail purposes, maybe more"…It would appear that our "obnoxious" friend is not exactly someone to set the heart a flutter for most of us but, as I've said many times before, "we get all kinds up here" and perhaps for one of the local menfolk she fits their 'perfect woman' criteria perfectly …..
Speaking of "all kinds", if his latest letter/small novel is to be believed, the snail-pace driving of 'Blue' Jay Williamson of Santa Rosa will apparently continue on our roads and highways, along with his decision to not pull-over to allow others to pass. Many of you who have trudged through his dire letters to the A.V.A. will no doubt agree that he speaks through his corybungus but I, for one, do not believe that he is a bad person. Nevertheless, I do fear for his mental well-being. His recent litany of gibberish and tiresome tirade against my good self was not unexpected but one can only wonder where it will end. With that in mind, if anything "untoward" should happen to me I trust that you, my loyal readers, will inform the local sheriff of the "obvious suspect". Clearly, at this point, he is suffering from a severe case of …(continued on page 74)…..
Latest from the Sports Desk…..I visited the Yorkville Highlands this past week and witnessed a grueling battle featuring The Shepherds and Four Dogs against The Flock. Up there in High Roller Country it was very hot and this resulted in some aggressive defense from the experienced and belligerent ewes. By the second half this proved too much for the exhausted dogs and their sweaty, beer-less handlers and The Flock went on to secure a deserved 2-1 victory. As the victors relaxed in and around the spring-fed stream, gently munching on some green grass, they were clearly ewephoric (Sorry !)…..
Meanwhile as the N.F.L. pre-season continues we are treated to the insufferable comments and actions of Philadelphia Eagle wide receiver, Tyrell Owens, who one year after signing a contract giving him $49 million over seven years wants to renegotiate. Aren't you sick to death of these ego-driven athletes talking about the lack of respect they get and how much money they need in order to support their family ? I'd rather kiss a bear's ass than hear or read one more comment from this particular self-obsessed jerk. I have good friends in San Francisco who owned a bbq chicken and ribs joint which was popular amongst a number of the Bay Area sports personalities at one time. Their Grandmother worked there behind the counter well into her seventies and was quite a character with her wise-cracks and comments about the customers. On Friday nights they had an "all-you-can-eat' special and her weekly observation was always the same, "Damn !…Peoples greedy !"…Do you think that perhaps former S.F. 49er Terrell Owens was a regular on those nights ?
Still on the sports' beat, I checked in at the fields behind the High School last Thursday and witnessed the boys' football and soccer squads scrimmaging in preparation for their upcoming seasons. Under Coach Schreider's wise guidance the football team is shaping up nicely, while the soccer program will feature both a Varsity and Junior Varsity team this year. Coaches Smith and Sparks are optimistic about the chances of the Varsity team regaining the League Title it lost last year and, if the team's potential is fully realized, perhaps even going a long way in the regional play-offs. They informed me that the first game of any significance will take place this coming Saturday evening (August 20th) at The Fairgrounds in Boonville at 6.30pm when the skilful and very fit Varsity team will face an Alumni Team of recent graduates determined not to be outdone by the youngsters. I'll be there and hopefully you will too…..
This week's Useful Word is the splendid "crawthumpers" (kraw-thump-urrs), meaning "religious fanatics"…For example, "I find it hard to accept the explanation by various crawthumpers that the terrorist acts around the world are done in the name of 'God' "…Or perhaps you might have heard it used in these parts, as in, "I'm not saying that the Valley is full of atheists or pagans but you rarely see or hear many crawthumpers around here"…..
On that note I bid you good tidings and believe it's only appropriate for me to say, "Let us prey"…..Humbly yours, Turkey Vulture (turkeyvulture1@earthlink.net)…..
P.S. On a personal note…A border collie died in the Valley this past week. He had recently turned fifteen years old - a great age for this type of dog but then he was a great and very special border collie. Bing was his name and over the decades that I have been involved with this most intelligent of breeds I have never known a smarter dog, nor one who was more intuitive about human behavior. So much so that, since he was a young pup, I cannot recall once having to discipline him - he just knew what was required and how to go about it. He was never a problem and had great 'dog integrity', being respectful of other dogs and their boundaries, always 'playing fair', never causing difficulties, and very accepting of everything…
…But most of all he loved to interact with humans. Not only did he know much of what I was saying and the mood I was in, but he would sit waiting, watching, listening for my next words or instructions; his stare fixed on me, eager, expecting, loving…He was always pleased to see me and be at my side - a special friend and most wonderful companion. At ten weeks old he was welcomed into the home and over the next fifteen years was given much love and attention. In return he gave us everything his brilliant mind and huge heart could offer - I believe we got the better of the deal… He will be missed so very much….."Thanks for the many precious times and eternal memories, Bing. It was a privilege to be your guardian on Earth and to play a part in your 'walk' through life…We will be bonded together forever, wherever……R.I.P., son"..….

#32 - August 10th, 2005

I normally leave the political commentaries to those who might be more well-informed but this incident has been on my mind for a few days so I'll pass it on to you. Besides, I'd say it comes under 'human interest' rather than politics…Anyway, Hoss is a friend of mine from Texas where he still lives. We don't see much of each other but once in a while we'll talk on the phone. He called the other day and after we had caught up with all the family news etc, the topic of the war in Iraq came up. He has some strong views about this, and enjoys expressing them, and soon we were discussing the American death toll passing 1800, not to mention the many thousands of Iraqi dead. With the situation over there seeming to get worse by the week he asked me a rhetorical question, "Why are we being told or shown virtually nothing of the traumatic effects the deaths of American soldiers are having on their families and loved ones ? Sure, the news programs report the deaths of soldiers but in an almost detached, matter-of-fact way …No views of coffins returning to the communities of the dead soldiers; no interviews with devastated parents whose lives are shattered. We are shown nothing which might shock the country out of its dull stupor into major protests about this controversial war". He was getting very emotional and his voice was trembling as he continued, " It really pisses me off. We have learnt nothing from previous mistakes and it's a f***in' tragedy "…I could tell he was softly weeping…..
Hoss is six feet four inches tall and weighs about two hundred and fifty pounds. He is one of those 'larger-than-life' characters who has a 'huge' laugh, loves his beer and bbq, and tells a captivating tale …But his tale is often terribly sad. He is a Vietnam Veteran who went through four tours of duty in Southeast Asia. Last time I saw him, we were sitting and talking over a few beers when the post-traumatic stress disorder (P.T.S.D.) from which he suffers overcame him and he began to 'hear' the incoming shells and the screams of his friends dying. It is shocking to observe this giant of a man turn into a sobbing, quivering wreck. His wonderful wife, and former nurse at the Veterans' Hospital where they met, had a tough time calming him down that day. She told me he regularly breaks into tears at the thought of both what he saw and did…..
On his better days, like last Friday when he phoned, the effects of his experiences over there are not too bad and he might call me and talk about 'his' war in Vietnam and the futility of war in general….His opinions and experiences are surely worth hearing but those in power, making the decisions about the lives of others, don't seem to be listening to the likes of Hoss…..
Moving on…Helpful Hints # 33 : Beware of people in the Valley who announce, "I've got something for you in the trunk of my car"…Having enticed you to their vehicle they will then reveal what these seductive words actually mean. On opening the trunk you will be confronted by a huge stash of zucchini squash. They will offer you a bag and then you will hear the words, "Help yourself" accompanied by a beaming smile… It will be very hard to say "no" for fear of deflating their boundless joy at being able to make this generous gesture and so, like many others, you will soon end up with your own stash in your own trunk. I have heard horror stories of the same zucchinis actually ending up in several different trunks over a summer - I just thought you should know…..
Talking of 'Helpful Hints', I believe I have mentioned here before, when offering advice about hangover cures, the wonderful revitalizing powers of the cheese and cucumber sandwich. Well, not only are they one of the better remedies for the uncomfortable after effects of a wild night in Boonville but on these hot summer days, when served with lemonade, or better still, ice cold milk, they are the perfect snack providing both sustenance and a little refreshment to get you through to dinner time when the fresh carrion arrives… and ya gotta like that…..
'Whine of the Week' : "Why do Caltran choose the busiest time of the tourist season to schedule so much of the maintenance on our roads and highways ?" - a question many people are asking, I must add. Driving is not a very pleasant experience for those of us just trying to get to and from work around the County these days. Surely there must be a logical answer - I think we should be told what it is…..
As I began to devour a delicious smoked ham and freshly-made potato salad last Sunday, I hoped that the wine I had chosen from the bounteous wine cellar up here at The Nest, a Syrah from Yorkville's Meyer Family Cellars, would match up well - Bingo !… I'm sure the wine would also pair particularly well with any form of pork or lamb and have no hesitation in announcing this as my 'Wine of the Week'…
News Flash - As rumors continued to swirl alluding to the fact that The Buckhorn Saloon may not be closed for too long, I swooped down into Boonville and sure enough the outside of the bar is being freshened up, the shrubs etc around the front and entrance have been pruned back or cleared away, and the old sign has been removed. At least a month ago my sources had told me who the new owners were to be but until I get the go-ahead from either them, or property owner, Ken Allen, then I am not able to divulge this information. I cannot break the trust of friends, and besides what do you expect ? I'm not a 'proper' journalist and until it is officially announced I'll leave it to other people here at the A.V.A. to pontificate on this topic. However, as for the actual re-opening date, this is important and I needed to know. I had no alternative other than to turn to my 'top secret' source and subsequently met with "Deep Gullet" in the parking lot at the High School at 2am last Thursday night…Even he had nothing but further speculation. Will I be sipping a pint in Boonville's new bar at the time of The County Fair in mid-September ?…I couldn't possibly comment…..
In the meantime, one option for a quick hot snack and a beer in the evening would be to hit the center of town and visit The Boonville Lodge and, right next door, Lumberjack Pizza. The bar is open from 2pm - 2am on Friday and Saturday; 4pm to midnight every other day whilst Lumberjack opens from 5pm to 9pm Thursday to Saturday and 3pm to 7pm on Sunday (not a lot but beggars can't be choosers).…As for dessert you'd have to go to Lauren's Restaurant down the street (Tuesday - Saturday, 5pm - 9pm) where the Strawberry Shortcake with whipped cream contains Tom Smith's 'famous' locally grown strawberries - "Best in the County" (Turkey Vulture, July, '05)…..
Apology # 106 : It may be too late but before anyone decides to deride me for my comments last week about the '"large red sign" at Fife Winery's new tasting room on Highway 128, I should like to apologize for my outburst…somewhat. Perhaps the curmudgeonly comments were as a result of being kept awake on several occasions by the strange and loud noises made by machinery at another winery in the middle of the night. It would make sense to me - I am a particularly miserable bastard when deprived of sleep. However, I have since flew up and down the Valley many times and the 'Fife' sign is not really the "blot on the landscape" I had stated…but I do have to say that it is still the most visible and 'red' of all the tasting room signs. This should please the marketing strategists at Fife - "which is nice", some might say…..
Finally, after much in-depth research by my team of ace wordsmiths, here is this week's 'Useful Word', which I believe you will find many uses for as you go about your business in the Valley…The word is - "clamjamfry" (klam-jam-free) and it means "a noisy and unruly gathering"… For example : "Last Saturday I enjoyed a wonderfully civilized evening featuring excellent food, fine wine, stimulating company, and high quality live music when people assembled at the Toll House on Highway 253 outside Boonville to celebrate the 60th Birthday of local raconteur and stuntman, David Beglinger. Many local 'dignitaries' were present including the A.V.A.'s 's own Bigwig, David Seven.…However, apparently by midnight, after much excess, the host and his remaining friends resembled nothing more than a clamjamfry…Thankfully, I had left at 11.59pm and was not associated with such behavior"…..
…Let us prey…Humbly yours, Turkey Vulture (turkeyvulture1@earthlink.net)

#31 - August 3rd, 2005

I know that many of you are convinced that I fly around this Valley with some very dubious characters at my side but I can assure you that the following request in the local Personals Page was not submitted by anyone of my acquaintance - "Yorkville man, 27, medium build, brown hair, blue eyes, seeks alibi for the night of July 27 between 8 PM and 11:30 PM."…Well nobody can say that they saw him in the recently closed Buckhorn Saloon, can they ?…..
At that time of the day I personally was performing my evening "Swoop Thru' the Valley". Most of you have no doubt spotted me on many occasions and I'd like to take this moment to pass on my gratitude for all the friendly waves I have received... Well, on one of these excursions last week I couldn't help but notice the relatively new sign outside one of the recently opened tasting rooms on Highway 128, along the Anderson Valley Way section between Philo and Boonville. It stood out like a very sore thumb. Whilst from a marketing standpoint this will no doubt have the desired affect of informing people where the wines of 'Fife' winery can be tasted, as a part of the scenic tapestry of our beautiful Valley it is more of an unavoidable red blot on the landscape and that's a shame…Signs of perhaps more benefit to local folks are the new banners in English and Spanish currently draped above and across the Highway in downtown Boonville. Each of them decries the use of methamphetamines, which is a continuing problem in the Valley amongst adults and youngsters alike, and hopefully the banners will be noticed, thought about, and some positive results will ensue from their presence…..
Moving on…A satirical item spotted on the news' wires by one of my intrepid assistants - 'President Bush officially responded to the latest round of London transit bombings Monday, challenging terrorists to "do their worst." Said Bush, in a televised statement from the Oval Office: "The proud and resilient people of London can take anything the forces of evil and cowardice can throw at them. They will never live in fear of you. Bring it on." Prime Minister Tony Blair thanked Bush for his comments, inviting him to visit London and ride the Underground in a show of solidarity'…..
Talking of modes of transport and the difficulties of travel in the modern world, I feel the need to comment on the driving conditions along Highway 128 between the Coast and Anderson Valley last Thursday afternoon. Not wishing to wake that slumbering giant of verbosity, Jay "I don't pull over" Williamson of Santa Rosa, but I can only assume that a few of his 'disciples' were driving in an easterly direction as I drove the opposite way. There must have been four or five "gaggles" of vehicles, perhaps a dozen cars in each, with the lead vehicles ignoring the many turnouts and refusing to pull over to let others pass despite driving at less than 40 mph. Numerous cars in the backlog were flashing their lights and clearly the patience of many was being tested by these self-righteous jerks. Along the stretch from the ocean to the end of the redwood forest at Flynn Creek Road, in terms of delays (non-Caltran) and poor (not to mention illegal) driving, it was the worst weekday of the summer. For those with jobs to get to it was certainly the most frustrating, I'm sure. It's been said here before but perhaps it's time to reiterate my feelings, and those of many others who live and work in this Valley, towards these "Hardheads of the Highways" who, despite insisting on driving at less than 40 mph and crawling past numerous turnouts, still refuse to pull over to let others pass - you are either senile, quite stupid, pig-ignorant, or very selfish bastards…I suspect the latter in most cases…..
People to whom the word "selfish" could certainly not be applied are the wonderful vets and their assistants at the Mendocino Animal Hospital in Ukiah who visit our fair Valley to offer care and advice to local pet owners. This has been going on for years and, thanks to the hospitality of Dave and Nancy Gowan at The A.V. Farm Supply who provide the venue, the visits are extremely valuable to many Valley dweller and his or her pets. The vets visit twice a month on Thursdays from 1pm to approximately 4pm but be forewarned - they do not necessarily visit every other week so to make sure they are going to be in town call the hospital at 707-462-8833… Meanwhile many thanks to Dr. Katy Summers and all her crew for their wide veterinary knowledge and high level of care and attention they provide for our 'best friends'…..
On a related topic I should like to mention once again all the wonderful work Cheryl and her Gang perform at the Animal Rescue in Boonville. Last Friday evening I enjoyed a brief conversation with one of this group, Bridget "Working Girl" Reilly. She had finished her 'proper' job for the day and was on her way to give time to the 'cause' by walking and exercising the dogs. As the dogs played, sniffed, and generally seemed to be in 'dog heaven' for a brief time, she commented that it was simply a matter of "taking care of the dogs that God forgot". Her words hit me as most poignant and I sincerely hope that 'God' will remember them in the not too distant future, after all what is 'god' spelt backwards ? In the meantime it's comforting to know that "man's best friend" couldn't be in better hands…..
This, that, and the other - # 12 : Facts about the American Male (from a Bird's Eye View, of course)…..…Having spent much time over the years travelling in Europe, Central America and the U.S. of A. , I can confidently announce that, amongst the people I have met in those parts of the world, when it comes to the topic of the automobile no group has more knowledge, nor talks more about it, nor assumes more often that others are equally well-informed on the topic, than The American male …And another thing you may be inquisitive about is the increasing number of times in recent years you have seen men hugging men, either when they greet each other or to bid farewell…In my humble opinion these are not as a result of the male of the species getting in touch with his 'feminine' or 'more sensitive' side but rather the influence of television on society. I personally like the hugging thing with my fellow males and believe it's frequent sightings in the excellent and hugely successful television show, H.B.O.'s "The Sopranos, are the reason for "the manly hug ' becoming so much more prevalent. For those unaware, the show is not about the everyday adventures of your neighborly 'sensitive guy', it's actually rather more about modern day organized crime in New Jersey, featuring burly Mafioso-types constantly hugging each other and thereby sanctioning the "manly hug" as socially acceptable…Hopefully the program won't also lead to more young men hanging around strip clubs planning who they can "wack" next…..
The Rumor Mill…A large bird has informed me that in the near future the Anderson Valley Brewery Tasting Room (The T.R.) will be providing food of some sort. If it's hot food the license required will also allow wine to be served. Not that I can possibly comment of course but, apart from actually believing this when I see and taste it, all that remains for the "powers that be" at the Brewery to do is offer these 'goodies' at fair and reasonable prices. If this all comes together, I'm sure that in less time than it will take you to say, "I've got to stop eating these peanuts", the vultures will have circled and swooped on down to the T.R. to eat, drink, and be merry…..
Over the past week or so I have heard from a number of people concerned about the mysterious late night to early morning sounds emanating from the low hills on the east side of Highway 128 just south of Navarro. Not too unusual you may think; perhaps it's just some of the Valley's DeepEnders enjoying a late night ritual of some sort. However, the noises in the middle of the night apparently sound like heavy, earth-moving equipment churning away. What can that be ? Surely one of the wineries wouldn't be so full of their own self-importance as to disturb the sleep and disregard the feelings of local residents at such an unreasonable hour, would they ? I think we should be told…..
I apologize for the lack of a "Wine" or "Whine of the Week" and I have also come up empty in the search for a "Useful Word" - sad but true …Nevertheless, I would like to suggest an activity which I think you'll find rewarding…that's right - "Let us prey"…..
Kind regards, Turkey Vulture…..